Saturday, 18 December 2010

Local Muslim Community Protest Against Islamic Terrorism Held in Undisclosed Elevator.

Yep, it was standing room only at the recent Muslim anti-terror protest. "What do we want? Blame everyone but ourselves! When do we want it? I'm not sure as I used my mobile for a bomb timer, but I know it's all the Jews fault!" Mohammad Mohammad Wilson. [no relation]
"I’m beginning to think that everything causes terrorism: 1. Free Speech. 2. Kermit the Frog. 3. Britney Spears. 4. The price of arugula. 5. Those stupid looking Smart Cars. 6. Women wearing sweatpants with “juicy” written on their bums. 7. Debates about Creationism/evolution. 8. The Oscars. Everything causes terrorism, except you know, terrorists and their stupid beliefs". mjk on Hotair July 30, 2008.

Mohammad: "Alright. We’re all here then?

Mohammad: Allah Akbar!

Mohammad: Great. Ok. I think I speak for all of us when I say I totally condemn terrorism.

Mohammad: Absolutely, Roger, er Mohammad. Who doesn’t?

Mohammad: Thanks Mohammad. And I believe we all want to eliminate not only terrorists but the causes of terror as well?

Mohammad: Couldn’t agree more, old cheese.

Mohammad: And I believe that our Muslim scholars have identified both of these things.

Mohammad: Naturally. What hasn't the superior Islamic faith discovered? I mean our last big discovery was literally the idea of zero! And even less since! Ha, ha! But I digress. Now whose been cutting off all those heads and blowing up girls schools and so on?

Mohammad: I’m afraid it’s as our superior Islamic Universities suspected all along. It’s the Jews.

Mohammad: Excellent. So now we know what to protest about. I knew no Muslims were ever involved in terror. Outrageous!

Mohammad: So it’s unanimous then? Let the protest against terror begin!

Mohammad: Wait! We need a slogan!

Mohammad: Er, what about “Stop Terrorism! And really, it has nothing to do with Islam and Muslims, so don’t even think it. Not even a bit. No, really. It doesn’t. No. Even if you have millions of photographs, documents, a massive death toll and a crushing empirical Himalaya of profoundly researched and analytical evidence, it’s still not true. Just dismiss it. Please? Or we’ll kill you. And anyway, it’s all the Jews”.

Mohammad: It’s a bit long.

Mohammad: Ok, what about this one from Mohammad? “I am made triumphant through terror”.

Mohammad: I admit it’s got a certain sparkle , but anything else? Perhaps more Cabaret?

Mohammad: Here’s a Koran one. “Qur’an 3:151: "We shall cast terror into the hearts of those who disbelieve”.

Mohammad: It’s good but something more, I don’t know, short, catchy and to the point.

Mohammad: Hey! “Death to the Infidels! Allah Akbar!”

Mohammad: I like it!"

“In the land of the blind, the one-eyed man is stoned to death”. Joan D. Vinge.

“When a thing is funny, search it carefully for a hidden truth”. George Bernard Shaw.

“I never did give them hell. I just told the truth, and they thought it was hell”. Harry S. Truman.

Thursday, 16 December 2010

Kevin Gershwin and Julian Willard’s 'Siren Song' a Smash Hit Now Into Third Year!

The pivotal dramatic scene in 'Siren Song'. Lyrics and music by Kevin Gershwin [no relation] and starring Julian Willard as The Spinster, the lead 'Bird Woman' of The Sirens.

After yesterday’s explosive Christmas matinee which left them "laying in the isles" according to Search and Rescue Gazette, and with audiences screaming about the most "stunning performance" by the lead that they have ever witnessed, the combined talent's of Julian Willard and Kevin Gershwin have gone from rumour to Greek myth.

The lyrics and book of 'Siren' were originally written by Kevin Gershwin as a one man act, until Willard contributed her unique voice to the libretto. As Psychology Today stated: "this show" has an "unbelievable soliloquy, among many by the leading lady." 'Siren Song' has now run for over three years since opening in November 2007, bringing in ever more people and according to the entertainment bible Venality, “by the boat load.”

It displaced the previous eleven-year run hit of ‘No Showboat’, a tragedy starring Howard Keel as the unassuming accountant who attempts to transform a quiet backwater of predictable song and chorus ensembles, into a semi-paradise for solo voices. While ‘John’, Howard’s character ultimately fails, in exile he eventually finds a kind of redemption.

The “groundbreaking performance” as Marine Salvage Journal has called it of 'Siren', has left some critics confused such as David Marr known for his catchphrase “I can’t believe its butter!” Said Marr in a theatre toilet cubicle immediately after yesterday’s performance:
“I hate songs like ‘In the Navy’, even though that song wasn’t in it. I blame the Navy for this. Sometimes I look inside the back of my TV set and I find a banana. I don’t know why I’m here.”
Unless unforeseen events in the fickle world of showbiz decide otherwise, Kevin Gershwin's and Julian Willard's outstanding achievement in 'Siren Song' is set for a very long and deservedly successful run indeed.

Wednesday, 15 December 2010

President of Iran Sees the Image of Mohammad in a Vomit Bucket.

Inspired by the "Holy Chuck Soup" as it's now become known, the Iranian Minister for Raping School Girls spontaneously pays homage to the numerous historical examples of the Prophet.
Ahmadinejad: "I felt it myself. I felt that the atmosphere suddenly changed, and for those 27 or 28 minutes, all the leaders of the world did not blink. When I say they didn't move an eyelid, I'm not exaggerating. They were looking as if a hand was holding them there, and had just opened their eyes to the message of the Islamic Republic.

Oh, Allah, please facilitate Imam Mahdi's early return and make us one of his supporters!”

“Hassan! Come quickly! It’s a miracle!” shouted Iran’s President Armachimphead, [real name Roger Cumquat] to his long time companion and masseuse, Hassan the Imam. The reason for Roger's joy was that sometime after Sunday tiffin, the head Goon of Iran had allegedly discovered the face of the Prophet revealed in a simple throw pale. And it was a miracle typical of the region. In fact the Middle-East has more miracles per square kilometer than anywhere else on earth outside of the Highlands of New Guinea’s cannibal regions. From such wonders as the Koran being revealed in a humble cave to a lice-ridden child-rapist, to every invention and discovery being made exclusively by Muslims and incredibly before anyone else in history, past, present and future.

This includes the Chinese "stealing" all their ideas from Muslims, thousands of years before the founding of Islam according to the Iranian Science and Goat Cheese Minister Mr Abhoub Adoodle Dhou, because the wily Chinese Abhoub says,"knew Islam was coming". According to Hassan, [a highly respected child-killer like the President and his entire government] the President had found nestled among the carrots and sputum, the clear image of Mohammad. Mohammad, [last name Styrofoam] was the founder of Islam and the prime mover in making child rape a legitimate after hours pursuit.

Speaking to the independent Iranian state-run newspaper 'Armachimphead Is The Greatest Man In The World Daily', Armachimphead explained: “Last night when I partook of that extra bowl of camels snout, I could feel I was being guided by the Prophet! 'Eat of the camel and I shall reveal myself to you!' said a great voice!”

The President, or Chuckles as he is affectionately known for his spiritual banning of jokes with a punchline as un-Islamic, is more than the unqualified imbecile he is often called by critics. In fact, he's highly qualified. While Majoring in 'Kidnapping Kids 101' at Carlos the Jackal University, gaining an Advanced Diploma in Construction Crane Gay Lynching and while finishing his Masters in Sodomy, he was commonly known as the 'Persian Dough Boy'. The President is now an eager student of 'Goatism', a specialized course at the Tehran University and Torture Chamber of Theology and Applied Bestiality.

The discovery of Mohammad's face in the perk container has been screened continuously on Iranian TV for six months which is run by the Council Un-Islamic Neutralizing Television Station or CUINTS. CUINTS, known lovingly by locals as “living death on a screen”, broadcast what appears to be Mohammad's face floating half-submerged in the now holy bucket of intestinal swill. The eyes are two meat ball remnants while his nose is perhaps the religiously inspired piece of camel snout, and the mouth is made of what is most likely pizza crust, and the Prophet's beard is formed largely of phlegm.

Says Hassan: “Pilgrims have been rounded up all day and Allah willing, I can make a few rial a piece too!” Rial is the local currency and is unique among world monetary systems, being pegged to the value of actual wooden pegs.

The' loon in the spittoon' has been a sensation in Iran where people have been dancing in the streets in compulsory celebration. As one festive Burqa clad reveler stated: “This bucket of puke shows the superiority of Islam to everyone and everything that’s ever been anywhere! Even outer space! And especially the Jews, whom Allah has decreed can never have a superior bucket of Koranic hurl because they are descended from apes and pigs!”

Sadly, most of those doing compulsory dancing were later arrested and executed for said dancing. Many also had to pay a 'Frivolity Fine' before either being shot, hung and fined or all three. “No one can say that Iran is not a place of freedom of choice!” said Mohammad Mohammad Mohammad Mohammad Wilson, the Iranian Minister for the Eradication of Laughter, with a mischievous giggle. In a final light-hearted moment, the Minister and serial-rapist said with a twinkle in his one spinning eye, “Now we can say pieces of carrot be upon him!”

Tuesday, 14 December 2010

Al Gore The Great Bloat of St Ives.

Al Gore: The only head that can be seen from space.

People still speak today about The Great Bloat of St. Ives. Sadly, I am that person, as no one had ever heard of The Great Bloat of St. Ives, until now. Have you heard of The Bloat of St. Ives? I believe you have.

Oh, The Great Bloat of St. Ives is a wondrous thing, a wondrous thing to behold, is The Great Bloat of St. Ives. People come from far and wide to admire its width and pay homage. "Oh, show us the way, Great Bloat of St. Ives!" they implore, and the Great Bloat obliges like clockwork, expanding itself to enormous proportions until it reaches a full and majestic bloatedness. Hence the name, The Great Bloat of St. Ives.

Excuse me, but have you heard of The Great Bloat of St.Ives?

The Great Bloat of St. Ives has said many wise and profound things. If The Great Bloat of St. Ives is about anything, wisdom and profound things are what The Great Bloat of St. Ives is all about. For example, The Great Bloat of St. Ives has said that, “one word sums up probably the responsibility of any Vice President, and that one word is to be prepared”.

Yes, if you want to be ready for anything, anything at all, being prepared is one thing I always recommend, even to the deaf and blind. Be prepared, I say, be prepared!

Hence, The Great Bloat sayeth “we are ready for any unforeseen event that may or may not occur”.

The Great Bloat of St. Ives is a wondrous source of pure gold, a source of pure gold is he. If you can’t get pure gold from The Great Bloat of St. Ives, I can’t help you. Nay, you are beyond helping. I cannot reach you no matter how much reaching I may do. Such as the following, which is something I live by religiously.

The Great Bloat of St. Ives: “It isn't pollution that's harming the environment. It's the impurities in our air and water that are doing it”. And they are. I can feel them doing it now, even through the linoleum.

The Great Bloat of St. Ives: "For NASA, space is still a high priority”.

Space is something that The Great Bloat of St.Ives is determined to fill.

The Great Bloat of St. Ives: "It's time for the human race to enter the solar system”. I myself have taken serious steps to enter the solar system by leaving my lounge room to go to the local shop and get another pack of Pall Malls. It’s a small step for a Mars Bar but I’ll have a packet of crisps too, thankyou.

Again, I can put my hand on my heart and say as The Great Bloat of St. Ives has said, "Quite frankly, teachers are the only profession that teach our children”.

Aah, yes, a wondrous thing is an education. I myself am the product of one.

The Great Bloat of St. Ives: "The Holocaust was an obscene period in our nation's history. I mean in this century's history. But we all lived in this century. I didn't live in this century”. Oh yes, a nasty business was your Hitler. Do you know that Hitler invented Auto Barn?

The Great Bloat of St. Ives: "We're all capable of mistakes, but I do not care to enlighten you on the mistakes we may or may not have made”.

I myself am only capable of mistakes. When I have foolishly done something that makes any practical sense whatsoever, quick as a flash, I cover it up with something stupid, leaving no one the wiser.

The Great Bloat of St. Ives: "I believe we are on an irreversible trend toward more freedom and democracy, but that could change”. Irreversible we are indeed. No matter how many times I have stood in my front garden covered in soup imploring to the Heavens, "Reverse! Reverse!", not once have I been able to return to last Tuesday.

The Great Bloat of St. Ives: "Verbosity leads to unclear, inarticulate things”. Indeed it does. I was saying to my Aunty Doris only last Tuesday, I think I’ve reversed, Aunty Doris. Every Tuesday Aunty Doris says to me "You say that every Tuesday. You must be reversing again, dear".

"I have made good judgments in the past. I have made good judgments in the future”. Sadly, I have never had the privilege of making any good judgements as I can never get the right kind of timber. I’m afraid of using chipboard, fear it I do, as it expands in the rain and we don’t have a ceiling.

The Great Bloat of St. Ives: "The future will be better tomorrow”.

Aunty Doris: "What day is it?"

Colonel Neville: "It’s Tuesday. Everyday it’s Tuesday, especially on Thursdays. In fact, it’s been Tuesday all week. Wednesday is not until Monday. And Saturday was last Monday. Friday has been postponed due to a lack of interest and they’re replaying Sunday".

The Great Bloat of St. Ives: "We're going to have the best-educated American people in the world”.

Aunty Doris: "Are you Mr Barnes?"

Colonel Neville: "Yes I am. I’m Mr Barnes as I’ve been all my life, both man and boy".

Aunty Doris: "Is there any lettuce? Don’t threaten me with your salad!"

Colonel Neville: "Not with my legs".

The Great Bloat of St. Ives: "We have a firm commitment to NATO; we are a part of NATO. We have a firm commitment to Europe. We are a part of Europe”.

Aunty Doris: "When does this film end?"

Colonel Neville: "At the beginning, around July".

Aunty Doris: "I don’t like the people in it!"

Colonel Neville: "Who does? They’re all actors".

Aunty Doris: "Well, when does it start?"

Colonel Neville: "It never does, I’m afraid".

Aunty Doris: "But it’s half way through!"

Colonel Neville: "See what I mean".

Aunty Doris: "You can’t keep me here like a caged lion!"

Colonel Neville: "Hence the fleas".

Aunty Doris: "What day is it?"

The Great Bloat of St. Ives: "I stand by all the misstatements that I've made”.

Have you heard about The Great Bloat of St. Ives? So wondrous is he. I believe you may have...