Saturday, 12 March 2011

International Community Fails To Act On Kittens In Burning Tree House Crisis.

The International Community spring into lunch. President Obamessiah is pictured wearing his wife's favourite checked pants, [known by the adoring public as 'Checkers"] while the President adopts his trademark "cool and uninvolved in mere events" reclining posture. PM Julian Willard is just behind the President wearing her own trademark red fright wig that has so "charmed" the President. On the right is Australian Minister for Seafood Penny Wang in a white toy hat and with her hand right up. Right up behind Wang in a red wig is the Australian Treasurer and Deputy Prime Minister Mr Potato Head. President Himmler of Germany is in the green striped top hat, while the Italian Gnocchi Minister is in a striped top.

As PM and socialist race baiter Julian Willard flew to the United States for crisis talks on football and Vegemite and to recall how “as a small girl I walked on the moon”, President Obamessiah adopted a “wait and watch and then play some more golf” position, on the growing crisis caused by a deliberate arson attack on a roughly hewn tree house known by local children as ‘God’s Monkey House’ in the North African state of Labya, where an unknown number of kittens are apparently trapped and under mortal threat.

Said the President: “Any effective action by the amazingly still free West, could be misinterpreted by the surrounding Monkey Houses as a virile ability to see reality clearly and may actually frighten our mortal enemies. This could then be used by terrorist groups like Al Gore as a recreational tool. Let me repeat. America is not at war with the misunderstood people who wish to asymmetrically destroy us.

There are no enemies as FBI racists have claimed, there are merely 'people we have not accomodated yet.' There are no people who mean us harm in the entire Middle-East either in delightful Sorded Arabia or especially in wonderful Egypt, birthplace of The Bangles.”

The President warned that competence could lead to “unforeseen circumstances such as freeing millions of amusing pets around the world from certain death.” President Obamessiah warned that “with the right timing America could get bogged down in a free, prosperous and grateful country for up to a week, or maybe not. No matter how wonderful, fluffy and adorable these kittens can be, this particular situation is best resolved by the jihadist kittens themselves.

If the we and our great allies, friends and super pals in the International Community do decide on acting, which is something I have enormous experience in, a failure of my judgement or their more nuanced sophistication is impossible.”

Most EU [EUroweenie] states have agreed to disappoint unless you never expect anything, on what level of inaction or disastrous steps to take, and on the catering for the eighteen emergency meetings to be held next spring. Germany has refused to accept any Russian Borscht on the menu, while Moscow has sided with China in ruling out any Sauerkraut as “simply unacceptable”.

PM Willard suggested the conciliatory and as she called it the “highly addictive Vegemite”, [a waste bi-product of leather tanning and Australia’s staple food eaten at virtually every meal.] This resulted in some puzzlement at the headquarters of NATO, [No Action Talk Only] and was rejected with good humour by the US President. “I had a Vegemite pie made and it was horrible!” he said.

The UN’s, [UNrepresentative Swill] President Monkey Boon was emphatic. “It is imperative that the International Community speak on and on and on and on and on with one droning wimpy and utterly bankrupt neutered voice. This way we can all be certain of avoiding not only any timely historical achievements, but any personal responsibility and leadership too. Most of us sophisticated bores feel pretty comfortable with this. Of course our kind can easily go the exact opposite way and give massive aid to say, Al Qaeda backed psychopaths, not that there's anything wrong with that".

Mr ‘Babs’ Boob as he is affectionately known by grateful millions around the world, said that he was “much more animated about Global Warming fantasies. After all, we wonderful elites have the total control of our disarmed populace and billions of dollars in other people’s money via massive tax theft, all riding on it. I have to thank my agreeing like an ass hat wearing puppet to the Global Warming Global Socialism Super Scam, for my bankrupt well paid head idiot position at the UN, otherwise I’d be a convenience store box boy in a backstreet of Seoul, again. Actually I'm so dimwitted that I may even believe the junk I spout! Unbelievable, innit?”

The Security Council whose members include the embalmed body of Lenin and Hitler’s scalp, will meet next spring in Tripoli, as guests of the Middle-East's leading drag Queen Colonel Gadaffy Duce, who is also well known as a virulent cat hater.

Saturday, 5 March 2011

Bob Brown Says Global Warming Caused by Marxism, Anal Sex and Jew Hating.

Bob Brown's [no relation] assumed position on Quantum Physics, economics, democracy, logical fallacy, honesty, ethics, morals and attacking Jewish business premises around the world.

In a frank and trademark addled admission, Geeks leader Bob Brown stated he had “never really heard of” the very successful leftist fund raising and massive wealth redistribution of Global Warming, not until he had discovered “the wonderful world” of Marxism by socialist stealth and subsequently became an "avid sodomite" but only in "the artistic sense".

The so called "King of the Geeks" added somewhat wistfully that "we all did. It was the prepackaged revolutionary slogans we all knew by heart mixed with bleak repetitive dance tracks and the butter."

Brown: “As a child I grew on a plantation. I am as once noted ‘more tree than man’. Though it was not until I became a dirty lying ecofascist Global Government yearning commie socialist BDS variant that I thought hey, which came first me or Roger? And where are those Wet Wipes?”

But this was not the only turning point in the long leftard journey into the very red centre of Bobby Brown. “It was the free biscuits and the sodomy really but again, only in the artistic sense” said Bob with a slight watering of the eyes. "And the Jew hatred. Always with the Jew hatred."

“Until yesterday, I hadn’t realised that there was zero mention of Global Warming until I got into collectivism and ecofascist fraud as a policy platform. Saving the world is all about me really and my deep almost sublime thoughts, the kind of thoughts that climate deniers could never have, not with their hatred of Mother Earth and her precious dirt.“

Brown went on and on in his beautiful trademark monotone... “I started receiving messages from Gaia anally at the precise moment that Global Warming really took off as a real ‘ass roots’ movement. And I was a Marxist product sodden kinda shit too! Coincidence? I think not! Just ask leading lisping comrade Adam Bundt.

Brown speaks of how his very close friend Dorothy often noted that Adam always “loved the party line and reaming” though once again only in "the artistic sense" and that "this was at the same time that Bundt, [no relation to any other Bundt] became a convenient eco-fraud fellow traveller! Another mere coincidence? Of course not. Like ecobore Adam Bundt, I'm proud to have been a stealth socialist asshat for all of my semi-adult life.”

Warming to his profound trademark atheist meme, Brown continued. “Naturally, my logic dictates that Marxism, anal sex and Jew hatred are therefore the true causes of Global Warming. Also just think of the heat caused by the friction and all those red flags! The firing squads in North Korea and Cuba alone generate enough greenhouse gases to run a Turkish bathhouse for six months, and that includes towel boys and amphetamines. Thus we can save the world.

My logic also dictates that a minority of decadent homosexual Marxist atheist ecofascists should naturally be able to enforce the heterosexual Christian majority to define themselves on our nihilist twit terms. Again, this makes perfect collectivist sense to me."

Brown became ever more still in his trademark stillness though it was hard to tell. “Ah, Global Warming is either about saving the world or er, grabbing total power by any means in order to completely control everything and everyone. It is confusing, especially with ethyl-nitrate abuse. Now where the hell is that Miracle Whip?!”

One thing is for certain. The relentless head pounding power that are the Geek's leaves their rough trade Marx on everything.

Tuesday, 1 March 2011

Charlie Sheen Advising President Obama Since 2005.

Charlie Sheen: "Policy hard and party harder!"

“Sure, I was the main adviser to the President. Still am. Who else can or would even try? Nobody that's who. Only I, The Fabulous Zeb of Hydrogon. Yessiree, I taught Barry everything he knows. I drink the universe every morning for breakfast and yet phwooo! I got bored with that."

These were the confessional words of actor and avid pubic shaver Charlie Sheen, from an edited transcript of an uninterrupted twenty-six hour interview in which he reveals his key role in guiding Obama’s rise to power.

Charlie Sheen: "Sure, I've been the intellectual and spiritual guide to Oby since 2005 man, the year of the Great Three Week Crank Party at Sean Penn’s. Hey, and Sean was the Chavez Teacher and collectivist conduit to our swingin’ Prez. Hey baby, like most celebrities, Penn and Obama really clicked over their mutual love of Bel Air Marxist Lenininist socialism and The Great Zeb of Hydrogon. Collectivism not for themselves of course, but for others, which is so typically generous and selfless of those two who struggle on with the burdensome enormous rewards of free market capitalist celebrity.

Naturally this is too high thinking for the average person. Replace the inner with the outer space of the Hydrogon dance! Think about that.

Man, Penn polished Barack’s shoe soles with his tongue moaning in his Spicoli voice that “I want your socialist son of a 19th century anti-colonialist semi-blackness in my throat!” Do you understand that only I have zebra’s who dance in my incommunicado? Know what I mean? Nope, being ordinary, you cannot possibly grasp these concepts.

I especially worked hard on his foreign policy. Get with the mellow and take some of this, man! And he did! I taught him the little bowing thing. Do a line while ya down there. Nobody'll know. It's a real experience that I can give you as a gift, forever.”

Sheen added that, “Of course I advised him that all our so-called friends like Britain, Israel and the Tea Party and so on, were our true enemies, and that he should get freaking hip to and big pals with complete Commie madmen like Chavez and China and every jihadist scumbag from Hamass to Abass to CAIR. And he did! Hey, that kinda rhymes! From Hamass to Abass to Cair! From Hamass to...Think the opposite of sane! And he did! It’s crazy enough to work!

Do you know that George Bush personally infected millions with smallpox? Sure, they covered their tracks by making it appear they died of “natural causes” or as “collateral damage”, all while apparently just catching a taxi in Jersey.

Man, that Colonel Kurtz is a freakin’ genius man! He had to behead all those people! Had to! Can’t you see that? It was the only way for him to free us all and bring his perfect plan into being, like a beautiful garden. Oh then it all went wrong...and then I got bored with that and no normal mind can conceive of my specialness. Nobody outside of the Hydrogon!”

Charlie Sheen is currently appearing.