Friday, 9 November 2007
Sean ‘Shorty’ Penn Marries Venezuela’s First Stripe-Assed Baboon President Huge Chimpass.
Sean Penn pictured here in his official wedding portrait.
Following a whirlwind romance between the simian leader of Venezuela, Huge Chimpass who once billed in the Ramirez Brothers Circus as “Chuckles” and Hollywood star Sean Penn, who has won multiple kudos for his many acts of high treason, the deeply in love pair were married in a no-execution-spared wedding at the nations newly renamed Capital of El Crackers. Penn first went to Venezuela as a break from his many hard won fist fights with girlfriends.
As Sean quipped, “I needed a break from breaking teeth! Sure, I have my body guards, so the menacing entourage among the plebs is cool, but I really wanted to find someone I had a lot in common with, like a real old-time America-hating Latin American Marxist crank, preferably insane and dumb as a post. And I believe I've found the man of my Hollywood socialist dreams in Huge. Sure, I have a vast range of Che ‘the child killer’ Guevara T-shirts for easy cred, but I really need real rebel credentials, no matter how fraudulent. And as a spoiled, venal and basically stupid Hollywood freak, that’s almost impossible. Also I really always wanted to marry a baboon”.
Penn was first smitten by the larger than a lift President, when Sean and his fellow Hollywood pals were asked by Chimpass to pre-record their enthusiastic applause, as only true Hollywood stars can, for the compulsory TV show ‘The Anti-Capitalist Firing Squad Hour’. The rich socialist chorus included such great stars as Tim Robbins the prominent moral gymnast, President of the 'Praise that Dictator Bel Air Collective' Kevin Spacey, George ‘Handsome Clod’ Clooney and our traitor in Havana, Harry 'Quisling Two-Faced Geek’ Belafonte. Contestants win prizes such as a tin bowl of soup or a reprieve for making up the best ‘Crime against the Revolution’ and for guessing the day’s political slogan which can change at any moment, often while contestants are memorizing the now forbidden one! This always results in zany and madcap arrests, confessions and further executions for the 'common good'.
Penn mentioned that “It’s not so easy but like Tim, I'm quite the repellent hypocrite. One morning the revolution was was all for eating cheese and then switched back by lunch against eating cheese but by the afternoon, was both for and against simultaneously! Once it was neither, but the penalty for being non-committal is still death! It was some crazy times, man! I love this country!” Does Penn worry that this could affect his career? “Sure” says Penn, “but I figure I can handle the extra success”. I asked Sean what he thought of the people who say he's a disgusting elitist fucker living in a fantasy life completely supported by the system he despises. “I thank those people for their support” said Penn with a cheery laugh.
So what’s planned for the honeymoon? “Well, first we're going to spend a few days drawing up lists of enemies of the people and then spend some time together just hitting random strangers. Huge is a total mediocrity without the vast apparatus that supports him and not just personality wise, but he's a darling. But, we do have it, so just like in Hollywood, we’re gonna get to endlessly spout our hypocritical and crazy opinions unchallenged and enforce complete agreement with our nihilist madness in-between consuming vast amounts of drugs, wild sex, often with people, and violence. The only difference with being Mrs President Chimpass and Tinsel Town, is that you can actually shoot defenseless people who dare to disagree with you. I’m having a ball, man”.
The bride and groom wore matching olive drabs personally tailored by Sy Devore of Hollywood, even though he’s been dead since 1966.