Tuesday, 29 April 2014

Colonel Neville Dead At Age Seven.



Always carefree and light-hearted, Neville's Last Will and Old Testament. Shown is Neville's widow holding the Colonel's favorite gardening and general house cleaning AK47 known simply as Jim the AK47.



After a long struggle with perfect health, self-proclaimed “satirical empirical conservative” Colonel Neville - is dead. Ever the iconoclast, Neville attended his own funeral shortly before his death and alone. “I just liked the catered sandwiches” he said in a final statement. How the brutally charismatic Robert Neville died earlier today remains a strange mystery.  “The Colonel wanted to keep that to himself" said a spokeswife. “It could have been a Bengal tiger or a fall from a swing-set. We’ll never know. Would you like a toasted marshmallow?”

Born on June 7 2007 in Blogspot, Douglas County Georgia, Neville soon became a darling of the many people who wanted to kill him - and not all them were his wife and close friends. Noted for his courage if nothing else, Colonel Neville refused to sell-out to the cheap lure of success and editing. 

The catch phrase of “No, really” punctuating the end of his many and varied yet pointless posts and comments, became as well known as Colonel Neville himself. Ironically, the end of a blog post with this often rare piece of punctuation was the part most looked forward to by his many reader.  While it was often rumoured that he could write, this was never substantiated, in writing. His enigmatically yet meaninglessly titled site ‘Colonel Neville Always Dresses For Dinner’ is now sadly silent - though there are plans to auction the enormous amount of prolix content and spelling arrors for scrap. For his many indifferent fans, the Colonel's Twitter account will still be active - though now manned by a close associate who was regrettably unable to spell his name at the time of publication.

A low key memorial service will be held this Saturday at Food Lion Bulk Store car park in Hinesville, Georgia, out on the Elma. G Miles Parkway and conveniently right near Hodges Towing. [Don't miss the Food Lion back ribs at $2.99 a pound!] No, really.