Saturday, 18 December 2010

Local Muslim Community Protest Against Islamic Terrorism Held in Undisclosed Elevator.

Yep, it was standing room only at the recent Muslim anti-terror protest. "What do we want? Blame everyone but ourselves! When do we want it? I'm not sure as I used my mobile for a bomb timer, but I know it's all the Jews fault!" Mohammad Mohammad Wilson. [no relation]
"I’m beginning to think that everything causes terrorism: 1. Free Speech. 2. Kermit the Frog. 3. Britney Spears. 4. The price of arugula. 5. Those stupid looking Smart Cars. 6. Women wearing sweatpants with “juicy” written on their bums. 7. Debates about Creationism/evolution. 8. The Oscars. Everything causes terrorism, except you know, terrorists and their stupid beliefs". mjk on Hotair July 30, 2008.

Mohammad: "Alright. We’re all here then?

Mohammad: Allah Akbar!

Mohammad: Great. Ok. I think I speak for all of us when I say I totally condemn terrorism.

Mohammad: Absolutely, Roger, er Mohammad. Who doesn’t?

Mohammad: Thanks Mohammad. And I believe we all want to eliminate not only terrorists but the causes of terror as well?

Mohammad: Couldn’t agree more, old cheese.

Mohammad: And I believe that our Muslim scholars have identified both of these things.

Mohammad: Naturally. What hasn't the superior Islamic faith discovered? I mean our last big discovery was literally the idea of zero! And even less since! Ha, ha! But I digress. Now whose been cutting off all those heads and blowing up girls schools and so on?

Mohammad: I’m afraid it’s as our superior Islamic Universities suspected all along. It’s the Jews.

Mohammad: Excellent. So now we know what to protest about. I knew no Muslims were ever involved in terror. Outrageous!

Mohammad: So it’s unanimous then? Let the protest against terror begin!

Mohammad: Wait! We need a slogan!

Mohammad: Er, what about “Stop Terrorism! And really, it has nothing to do with Islam and Muslims, so don’t even think it. Not even a bit. No, really. It doesn’t. No. Even if you have millions of photographs, documents, a massive death toll and a crushing empirical Himalaya of profoundly researched and analytical evidence, it’s still not true. Just dismiss it. Please? Or we’ll kill you. And anyway, it’s all the Jews”.

Mohammad: It’s a bit long.

Mohammad: Ok, what about this one from Mohammad? “I am made triumphant through terror”.

Mohammad: I admit it’s got a certain sparkle , but anything else? Perhaps more Cabaret?

Mohammad: Here’s a Koran one. “Qur’an 3:151: "We shall cast terror into the hearts of those who disbelieve”.

Mohammad: It’s good but something more, I don’t know, short, catchy and to the point.

Mohammad: Hey! “Death to the Infidels! Allah Akbar!”

Mohammad: I like it!"

“In the land of the blind, the one-eyed man is stoned to death”. Joan D. Vinge.

“When a thing is funny, search it carefully for a hidden truth”. George Bernard Shaw.

“I never did give them hell. I just told the truth, and they thought it was hell”. Harry S. Truman.

Thursday, 16 December 2010

Kevin Gershwin and Julian Willard’s 'Siren Song' a Smash Hit Now Into Third Year!

The pivotal dramatic scene in 'Siren Song'. Lyrics and music by Kevin Gershwin [no relation] and starring Julian Willard as The Spinster, the lead 'Bird Woman' of The Sirens.

After yesterday’s explosive Christmas matinee which left them "laying in the isles" according to Search and Rescue Gazette, and with audiences screaming about the most "stunning performance" by the lead that they have ever witnessed, the combined talent's of Julian Willard and Kevin Gershwin have gone from rumour to Greek myth.

The lyrics and book of 'Siren' were originally written by Kevin Gershwin as a one man act, until Willard contributed her unique voice to the libretto. As Psychology Today stated: "this show" has an "unbelievable soliloquy, among many by the leading lady." 'Siren Song' has now run for over three years since opening in November 2007, bringing in ever more people and according to the entertainment bible Venality, “by the boat load.”

It displaced the previous eleven-year run hit of ‘No Showboat’, a tragedy starring Howard Keel as the unassuming accountant who attempts to transform a quiet backwater of predictable song and chorus ensembles, into a semi-paradise for solo voices. While ‘John’, Howard’s character ultimately fails, in exile he eventually finds a kind of redemption.

The “groundbreaking performance” as Marine Salvage Journal has called it of 'Siren', has left some critics confused such as David Marr known for his catchphrase “I can’t believe its butter!” Said Marr in a theatre toilet cubicle immediately after yesterday’s performance:
“I hate songs like ‘In the Navy’, even though that song wasn’t in it. I blame the Navy for this. Sometimes I look inside the back of my TV set and I find a banana. I don’t know why I’m here.”
Unless unforeseen events in the fickle world of showbiz decide otherwise, Kevin Gershwin's and Julian Willard's outstanding achievement in 'Siren Song' is set for a very long and deservedly successful run indeed.

Wednesday, 15 December 2010

President of Iran Sees the Image of Mohammad in a Vomit Bucket.

Inspired by the "Holy Chuck Soup" as it's now become known, the Iranian Minister for Raping School Girls spontaneously pays homage to the numerous historical examples of the Prophet.
Ahmadinejad: "I felt it myself. I felt that the atmosphere suddenly changed, and for those 27 or 28 minutes, all the leaders of the world did not blink. When I say they didn't move an eyelid, I'm not exaggerating. They were looking as if a hand was holding them there, and had just opened their eyes to the message of the Islamic Republic.

Oh, Allah, please facilitate Imam Mahdi's early return and make us one of his supporters!”

“Hassan! Come quickly! It’s a miracle!” shouted Iran’s President Armachimphead, [real name Roger Cumquat] to his long time companion and masseuse, Hassan the Imam. The reason for Roger's joy was that sometime after Sunday tiffin, the head Goon of Iran had allegedly discovered the face of the Prophet revealed in a simple throw pale. And it was a miracle typical of the region. In fact the Middle-East has more miracles per square kilometer than anywhere else on earth outside of the Highlands of New Guinea’s cannibal regions. From such wonders as the Koran being revealed in a humble cave to a lice-ridden child-rapist, to every invention and discovery being made exclusively by Muslims and incredibly before anyone else in history, past, present and future.

This includes the Chinese "stealing" all their ideas from Muslims, thousands of years before the founding of Islam according to the Iranian Science and Goat Cheese Minister Mr Abhoub Adoodle Dhou, because the wily Chinese Abhoub says,"knew Islam was coming". According to Hassan, [a highly respected child-killer like the President and his entire government] the President had found nestled among the carrots and sputum, the clear image of Mohammad. Mohammad, [last name Styrofoam] was the founder of Islam and the prime mover in making child rape a legitimate after hours pursuit.

Speaking to the independent Iranian state-run newspaper 'Armachimphead Is The Greatest Man In The World Daily', Armachimphead explained: “Last night when I partook of that extra bowl of camels snout, I could feel I was being guided by the Prophet! 'Eat of the camel and I shall reveal myself to you!' said a great voice!”

The President, or Chuckles as he is affectionately known for his spiritual banning of jokes with a punchline as un-Islamic, is more than the unqualified imbecile he is often called by critics. In fact, he's highly qualified. While Majoring in 'Kidnapping Kids 101' at Carlos the Jackal University, gaining an Advanced Diploma in Construction Crane Gay Lynching and while finishing his Masters in Sodomy, he was commonly known as the 'Persian Dough Boy'. The President is now an eager student of 'Goatism', a specialized course at the Tehran University and Torture Chamber of Theology and Applied Bestiality.

The discovery of Mohammad's face in the perk container has been screened continuously on Iranian TV for six months which is run by the Council Un-Islamic Neutralizing Television Station or CUINTS. CUINTS, known lovingly by locals as “living death on a screen”, broadcast what appears to be Mohammad's face floating half-submerged in the now holy bucket of intestinal swill. The eyes are two meat ball remnants while his nose is perhaps the religiously inspired piece of camel snout, and the mouth is made of what is most likely pizza crust, and the Prophet's beard is formed largely of phlegm.

Says Hassan: “Pilgrims have been rounded up all day and Allah willing, I can make a few rial a piece too!” Rial is the local currency and is unique among world monetary systems, being pegged to the value of actual wooden pegs.

The' loon in the spittoon' has been a sensation in Iran where people have been dancing in the streets in compulsory celebration. As one festive Burqa clad reveler stated: “This bucket of puke shows the superiority of Islam to everyone and everything that’s ever been anywhere! Even outer space! And especially the Jews, whom Allah has decreed can never have a superior bucket of Koranic hurl because they are descended from apes and pigs!”

Sadly, most of those doing compulsory dancing were later arrested and executed for said dancing. Many also had to pay a 'Frivolity Fine' before either being shot, hung and fined or all three. “No one can say that Iran is not a place of freedom of choice!” said Mohammad Mohammad Mohammad Mohammad Wilson, the Iranian Minister for the Eradication of Laughter, with a mischievous giggle. In a final light-hearted moment, the Minister and serial-rapist said with a twinkle in his one spinning eye, “Now we can say pieces of carrot be upon him!”

Tuesday, 14 December 2010

Al Gore The Great Bloat of St Ives.

Al Gore: The only head that can be seen from space.

People still speak today about The Great Bloat of St. Ives. Sadly, I am that person, as no one had ever heard of The Great Bloat of St. Ives, until now. Have you heard of The Bloat of St. Ives? I believe you have.

Oh, The Great Bloat of St. Ives is a wondrous thing, a wondrous thing to behold, is The Great Bloat of St. Ives. People come from far and wide to admire its width and pay homage. "Oh, show us the way, Great Bloat of St. Ives!" they implore, and the Great Bloat obliges like clockwork, expanding itself to enormous proportions until it reaches a full and majestic bloatedness. Hence the name, The Great Bloat of St. Ives.

Excuse me, but have you heard of The Great Bloat of St.Ives?

The Great Bloat of St. Ives has said many wise and profound things. If The Great Bloat of St. Ives is about anything, wisdom and profound things are what The Great Bloat of St. Ives is all about. For example, The Great Bloat of St. Ives has said that, “one word sums up probably the responsibility of any Vice President, and that one word is to be prepared”.

Yes, if you want to be ready for anything, anything at all, being prepared is one thing I always recommend, even to the deaf and blind. Be prepared, I say, be prepared!

Hence, The Great Bloat sayeth “we are ready for any unforeseen event that may or may not occur”.

The Great Bloat of St. Ives is a wondrous source of pure gold, a source of pure gold is he. If you can’t get pure gold from The Great Bloat of St. Ives, I can’t help you. Nay, you are beyond helping. I cannot reach you no matter how much reaching I may do. Such as the following, which is something I live by religiously.

The Great Bloat of St. Ives: “It isn't pollution that's harming the environment. It's the impurities in our air and water that are doing it”. And they are. I can feel them doing it now, even through the linoleum.

The Great Bloat of St. Ives: "For NASA, space is still a high priority”.

Space is something that The Great Bloat of St.Ives is determined to fill.

The Great Bloat of St. Ives: "It's time for the human race to enter the solar system”. I myself have taken serious steps to enter the solar system by leaving my lounge room to go to the local shop and get another pack of Pall Malls. It’s a small step for a Mars Bar but I’ll have a packet of crisps too, thankyou.

Again, I can put my hand on my heart and say as The Great Bloat of St. Ives has said, "Quite frankly, teachers are the only profession that teach our children”.

Aah, yes, a wondrous thing is an education. I myself am the product of one.

The Great Bloat of St. Ives: "The Holocaust was an obscene period in our nation's history. I mean in this century's history. But we all lived in this century. I didn't live in this century”. Oh yes, a nasty business was your Hitler. Do you know that Hitler invented Auto Barn?

The Great Bloat of St. Ives: "We're all capable of mistakes, but I do not care to enlighten you on the mistakes we may or may not have made”.

I myself am only capable of mistakes. When I have foolishly done something that makes any practical sense whatsoever, quick as a flash, I cover it up with something stupid, leaving no one the wiser.

The Great Bloat of St. Ives: "I believe we are on an irreversible trend toward more freedom and democracy, but that could change”. Irreversible we are indeed. No matter how many times I have stood in my front garden covered in soup imploring to the Heavens, "Reverse! Reverse!", not once have I been able to return to last Tuesday.

The Great Bloat of St. Ives: "Verbosity leads to unclear, inarticulate things”. Indeed it does. I was saying to my Aunty Doris only last Tuesday, I think I’ve reversed, Aunty Doris. Every Tuesday Aunty Doris says to me "You say that every Tuesday. You must be reversing again, dear".

"I have made good judgments in the past. I have made good judgments in the future”. Sadly, I have never had the privilege of making any good judgements as I can never get the right kind of timber. I’m afraid of using chipboard, fear it I do, as it expands in the rain and we don’t have a ceiling.

The Great Bloat of St. Ives: "The future will be better tomorrow”.

Aunty Doris: "What day is it?"

Colonel Neville: "It’s Tuesday. Everyday it’s Tuesday, especially on Thursdays. In fact, it’s been Tuesday all week. Wednesday is not until Monday. And Saturday was last Monday. Friday has been postponed due to a lack of interest and they’re replaying Sunday".

The Great Bloat of St. Ives: "We're going to have the best-educated American people in the world”.

Aunty Doris: "Are you Mr Barnes?"

Colonel Neville: "Yes I am. I’m Mr Barnes as I’ve been all my life, both man and boy".

Aunty Doris: "Is there any lettuce? Don’t threaten me with your salad!"

Colonel Neville: "Not with my legs".

The Great Bloat of St. Ives: "We have a firm commitment to NATO; we are a part of NATO. We have a firm commitment to Europe. We are a part of Europe”.

Aunty Doris: "When does this film end?"

Colonel Neville: "At the beginning, around July".

Aunty Doris: "I don’t like the people in it!"

Colonel Neville: "Who does? They’re all actors".

Aunty Doris: "Well, when does it start?"

Colonel Neville: "It never does, I’m afraid".

Aunty Doris: "But it’s half way through!"

Colonel Neville: "See what I mean".

Aunty Doris: "You can’t keep me here like a caged lion!"

Colonel Neville: "Hence the fleas".

Aunty Doris: "What day is it?"

The Great Bloat of St. Ives: "I stand by all the misstatements that I've made”.

Have you heard about The Great Bloat of St. Ives? So wondrous is he. I believe you may have...

Saturday, 13 November 2010

Hollywood Celebrities Renew Their Pledge to The Obamessiah's Elitist Collectivism as the Latest Fad of 'Semi-Honesty' Sweeps Tinsel Town!

Profundity, the Original Pledge: “I pledge to be a servant to our President and to all of mankind because together we can, together we are, and together we will be the change that we seek.” Etc...

The all NEW Pledge!

“I Pledge to Continue Being a Venal Celebrity Circus Geek.

They say that the job of the President is the loneliest job in the world. Not if it’s a Clinton blow job. We’d like you to know that we are all Marxist product sodden Bel Air left liberal drones spouting socialism for you, but capitalist free market riches for me drivel. Let us continue our disgusting treason and to never do anything ourselves if there is an assistant available, who would otherwise waste time with their own anonymous plebeian family.

1. I pledge to continue being a total phony 'living in a fantasy life completely supported by the system I despise.' [Mark Steyn.]

2. I pledge to spout that I care about “the people” while wearing a Che the child killer t-shirt and using enormous amounts of the drugs that destroy third-world societies which makes me like, totally cool.

3. I pledge to laugh out of context with the help of the latest new age dope and to keep reaching for the seemingly impossible goal of loving myself even more.

4. I pledge to help children battling serious illness er, somehow, unless they are Cuban children battling to get to Miami. These children are naturally little neocon, right-wing BushHitlers, especially the thousands that have drowned.

5. I pledge to continue being a complete mother.

6. I pledge to be a mouthpiece propagandist for the uber-corrupt pedophiles of the UN and the OIC which are the UN’s largest Muslim voting block of Jew-haters, while I rather ironically work in Hollywood for Jews.

7. I pledge to always reprimand my country with Marxist critical theory talking points and treasonous lies while in love with and or stoned out of my gourd with, real murdering fascists in Gaza, Havana, South Africa and Venezuela.

8. I pledge to support any violent left activist group using Saul Alinsky's 'Rules for Radicals' and to work for the revolution “from the inside” by shopping on Rodeo Drive.

9. I pledge to say meaningless gibberish such as I will always swallow any baloney from the "funkadelicatessen." This is what great creative talents do.

10. I pledge to never see the humour in a single one of my absurdly ignorant logical fallacy pronouncements. I am an artist.

11. I pledge to build a time machine and discover a cure for cancer while signing autographs and getting my make-up applied. My self-proclaimed bravery comes with great air con.

12. I pledge to push failed socialized government run medicine for you, and a private suite at Cedars Sinai and the Mayo Clinic for me.

13. I pledge to spread the awareness of autism er, somehow, but not the causes of my own profound and startling cognitive dissonance.

14. I pledge to meet my neighbors who are people like Jack Nicholson, Sean Penn, a major drug dealer, a supplier of call girls and a pedophile Arab sheik, even if I have to get my chauffeur to drive me there.

15. I pledge to ask more plebs how I can be of service to them that does not involve me performing degrading sex or my own public suicide.

16. I pledge to be a mentor to other rich drug using celebrity sluts and sleazebags.

17. I pledge to continue to be simpatico with Obama. As a laughable Hollywood rebel, I’m always happiest lecturing other people to conform to the agitprop I drivel, while hawking often largely failed products that relentlessly ignore the Islamofascist elephant in the room and well, so many other forbidden and unpleasant facts.

18. I pledge to be the absurd and cracked voice for those without a voice, so that they never have the chance to have a voice of their own. No one could ever say anything as important, professionally produced and right on as me.

19. I pledge to bring awareness to mental disease in Hollywood, the media and celebrity in general.

20. I pledge to adopt meaningless and pointless behaviour such as uselessly never using plastic bags as one of my many assistant's does all my grocery shopping.

21. I pledge to turn the lights off in my head but leave on those illuminating my enormous swimming pool in Bel Air.

22. I pledge to sell you a culture of ignorance instead of understanding. I have superior opinions on subjects of which I have never read a single book.

23. I pledge to only flush the toilet after I piss all over the audience and when I offer up this pure shit. My products routinely promote outstanding narcissism, bizarre inversions of reality, Utopian junk, evil as good and good as evil, the puerile, depravity, mediocrity, stupidity, despair, death and nihilism. There is also as I see it a negative side.

24. I pledge to be a mindless celebrity cheerleader closet fascist for the Obamessiah and to kiss his ass like this...

25. I pledge to never have any self-reflection whatsoever regards my moral vanity driven smug liberal conceits and uber-rich fraud.

26. I pledge to show that my black heart is the same as my empty celebrity head.

27. I pledge to change my appearance with plastic surgery so taht you dreary civilian non-stars will always find me simply fascinating, authentic and will always really, REALLY love me.

28. I pledge to associate with and champion every and any vicious totalitarian murderous leftist, communist and Islamofascist dictatorship cum Jew-hating terrorist group in the world as long as they hate America, Israel and the free West.

29. I pledge that YOU and never I, will obey the doomed socialist junk of the Obamessiah.

30. I pledge that I will say "hell yeah!" if Obumbler offers to share a hilarious special kind of cigarette in the White House.

31. I pledge to never know anything about Barry Barack Hussein Ubama Obama Sotuero and to never want to know anything about Obama except how wonderfully Obama He is.

Wednesday, 3 November 2010

Derek and Clive Misunderstand Fucking Islam.

Dud: "I said 'ere, Pete. What the fuck is this then?"
Pete: "This is a man's mind in turmoil, Dud. Or in layman's terms, your standard fucking Islam".

Derek: Ere’ Pete. Um, you know what I don’t understand? It’s that fucking Islam. I don’t understand a fucking bit of it. It’s mostly for cunts. They’re all cunts, the fucking lot of ‘em!

Clive: Er, what I don’t understand is why Prime Minister Julia socialist scrubber Gillard has not replied to my letter.

Derek: Er, what was your correspondence concerning, Pete?

Clive: Well Dud, it was a simple message really. "Dear Prime Minister, why are you such a boring, dreary little lefty bint? I have sent you a crazed Bengal Tiger. Please let him fly around the Lodge ripping your stupid fucking head off. If you do not like the Bengal Tiger gift, please forward it to the Green's Bob Brown, who is also a Marxist fuck. Yours sincerely, Doris". Doris being my non de plume.

Derek: Lovely. You don’t have a plume then, Pete?

Clive: Non.

Clive: As you well know Dud, I’ve thought long and hard that a major part of the training of any celebrity or MSM journalist, should involve compulsory wrestling with a Bengal Tiger within a locked room.

Derek: A day not spent setting one of the great cats onto one of the great arseholes is a day fucking wasted, Pete. Actually 'ere I said! I may be long and hard now! No the horn has gone. I am sans horn.

Clive: Here here Dudley and over there as well. Though I do feel we have discussed your horn sufficiently in the past rather ad nauseum, so to speak. Now you mentioned earlier your er, misunderstanding of Islam or as we like to call it at the Hippie Eradication Death Squad: the religion of peace or else!

Derek: It’s bollocks!

Clive: Yes, but that’s only the parts that make the slightest sense which unfortunately none of it manages to do at all. The last thing we unenlightened Westerners must never do with our meaningless and unlimited freedom; awesome art and triumphant science; vast economic success and great traditions of human rights is to misunderstand Islam. This almost inevitably leads to an explosion. In fact Dud, you will find that more people have exploded, due entirely to misunderstanding the filth of Islam, than all other religions combined since cannibalism.

Derek: Ere, Pete, that Mohammad was a cunt. What a fucker!

[On piano.] A fucker was he, oh yes! What a fucker was Mohammad! His wife was nine when she was hammered, not by fucking Christ, but Mohammad! What a shit! You may be a lover but you ain’t no dancer! Islam gave me fucking cancer!

Clive: Very nice Dud. And I do just happen to know a fashionable baboon from Surrey who’d be very interested in appearing in a lovely art-style film clip for your ballad in praise of the Prophet of Fuck All. Now regarding our favourite paedophile, rapist, bandit, mass murdering and Jew hating sand freak, Mohammad, well there are rumours and the word has got about that he also had a negative side.

Derek: It wouldn’t be a side of bacon would it, Pete?

Clive: No, sadly it wouldn’t Dud. Mass murdering kiddie fiddlers covered in lice, filth and sand consider our friend the pig an unclean creature. An unclean creature they consider it to be. Present any raving Islamist psychopath with a nice sucking pig and unlike us Infidels, they have the depth of religious and moral conviction and the discipline to say, “No, take away your accursed swine cakes and bring me the nine year-old childbride instead and with extra butter”.

Derek: Well, that’s your superior faith for you. So I’m a fucking Infidel then, Pete?

Clive: Yes Dud. Sadly anyone who is happy, free and enjoying the natural depth, width, variety, human meaning, dynamics and nuance of a normal life is er, ipso facto, an infidel.

Derek: So being a Muslim is a fucking insane laugh then, Pete?

Clive: Yes, Dud. You can do anything you like at anytime, to anyone and anywhere, as long as you keep screaming loud enough and kill thousands of people. As a religion, it’s ideal for the unemployable or your common garden variety child killer. I even considered becoming a Muslim myself but I couldn’t stand the endless screaming and the rivers of blood everywhere of those who had the slightest reservations or felt somehow unconvinced by Islam’s peaceful message.

Derek: What is that peaceful message, Pete?

Clive: Islam wants you dead.

Derek: Four little words that say I love you.

Clive: Exactly Dud. In short and if I’ve read the brochure right, the truth of Islam is for the most crazy and dangerous bastards on earth.

Derek: The brochure, Pete?

Clive: Yes Dud or in layman’s terms the fucking Krazy Koran.

Derek: What’s it like to read, Pete?

Clive: There is nothing to like when you read it, Dud. That’s the problem. To get a real taste of the claustrophobia and nausea inducing feel of the Koran well, do you remember that psycho bint you went out with, the one from the council flats?

Derek: Er, you mean the one with seventy three children, a turban and a beard?

Clive: You have never mentioned the beard before, Dud.

Derek: Didn’t I? Fucking Hell! I thought I mentioned it. Anyway I don’t see that cunt anymore, fucking Mona Hammad.

Clive: Mona Hammad?

Derek: Yes, she was always looking up at the sky and scribbling into a Spirax folder.

Clive: What was in the Spirax, Dud?

Derek: I couldn’t really always tell as most of the pages were stuck together but er, pretty much unreadable, turgid, crude and insane bollocks, Pete.

Clive: I think you used to fuck Mohammad, Dud. Again.

Derek: What a cunt!

Monday, 1 November 2010

T. Gort Coddington Tripe lll: Conservative Maverick.

T. Gort Coddington Tripe lll places his hat in the ring. "I stand for decency and sanity. I lay down for everything else" said 'The Cod', as he is affectionately known around Hyannis Port.

"T. Gort Coddington Tripe lll here, of the Connecticut Republicans, home of authentic conservative values and dare I say, rebellion.

At the RINOFS Polo Club, [Republicans Instigating Nuanced Obama Friendly Sophistication] the fellows and I were discussing these boorish ‘Tea Party’ types with their misguided, crude, simplistic and outdated references to ‘The Constitution’ and ‘the people’.

Appalling people like Glenn Beck with his populist buffoonery threaten to undo decades of hard-won total compromise, taking us back weeks, even months to the dark days of non-member polo days. I will fight THIS kind of perfidy with every ounce of my being! Are you with me, patriots?!

Sincerely yours:

T. Gort Coddington Tripe lll."

Thursday, 23 September 2010

Welshman offended at the questioning of his aboriginality by columnist.

Mr Bryce Jones is pictured at the Annual Sock Darning Championships in Pontifrackcake, Wales.

“Race should be based on how you don’t look!" says Mr Jones who claims he identified as an Australian aboriginal after his Mother spoke to him of her memories of an old box of Aunt Jemima’s Pancake Mix, that had once held pride of place in the family’s pantry. “At that moment I became an aborigine. The experience was that powerful," he said.

“So naturally when I read the outrageous comments of Drewan Blat in The Harold newspaper, I was offended." This was as Jones says, “..merely the latest” of the many, many things that have regularly offended him. “Having such high standards does come with a high cost. In fact it’s extremely rare that I’m not offended. Whenever I feel unoffended I know that somewhere I've let a minority down.”

Mr Bryce was once offended by an injustice that appeared in a dream. “When I awoke I realised that the Australian bull ant wasn’t actually under threat. While this was a disappointment at first, I then read Mr Blat’s column which made up for it somewhat.”

Mr Jones has since been recognised by experts in Random Identity Manifestation or RIM, as one of the now surprisingly common cases of “spontaneous indigenous koorieism”, or SIK. Mr Bryce Jones has gone on to explore his own experience of this phenomenon in his performance piece ‘Suddenly Black’, which uses the dynamic interplay of dance, music and over fifteen government grants.

Bryce’s older brother Griff also happens to have a deep spiritual identity both as a Japanese salary man and a traditional Norwegian fax salesman, identities which he only discovered in his twenties through an “eerie” affinity for painting Tamiya model kits and assembling pack furniture. Says Griff's brother Bryce Jones: “His given tribal names are Mr Yamato and Sten Grurd,” respectively. The name giving of Sten Grurd was a "moving experience" held at a Canon wholesaler in Farsund, where "dried fish and marshmallows" were served. Griff's only regret is that self-identified members of successful cultures are not eligible for certain government jobs or funding.

Sunday, 19 September 2010

Judge says that Muslim terrorists directly quoting the Koran and spreading Islam by force exactly as Mohammad did have nothing to do with Islam.

A large Muslim crowd from the 1300 year-old extremely long line of millions and millions of Muslims who have misunderstood Islam.

Judge Barry Boob: “It’s mere coincidence that millions of Muslims who are descended from generations of Muslims who marry only other Muslims, who dress, speak, eat and act as Muslims always have, who go to the Mosque and read the Koran regularly, who follow the words, teachings and actions of Mohammad exactly and are entirely Muslim in every respect can appear to the layman, as identical to these mysterious and as yet unnamed global terrorists, whomsoever they may be.

Let me say that that any Muslim is always a Muslim if they say so and are automatically deserving of our utmost grovelling dhimmie respect, right up until the point of their planning to and then murdering thousands of people, at which point they become the aforementioned mysterious and as yet unnamed global terrorists, though in no way connected to Islam, which is a peace loving religion.
For example: after reviewing the alleged evidence of the unpleasant misunderstanding regarding the clearly non-Muslim related incident at Fort Hood, a nasty business, nasty, of the Allah Akbar shouting behead all infidels and pour oil down their necks Power Point presenting, eager Al Qaeda contacting, avid strip club frequenting Major Nidal, the authorities and I in all our learned and profound wisdom have come to a conclusion. Indeed the only conclusion presented by these meaningless facts: Fort Hood was clearly the work of a typical Anglican.

Again, many if not most words and facts to the unqualified plebeian layman such as say you, are so very easy to misinterpret and thus misunderstand. For example, my wife and I were out last month when two dark tanned men advised us in their own wonderful patois as it were, and in what makes our diverse multiculture so colourful, that they were going to “smash in" my "stupid white kuffar face" and then "rape da Missus Leb style, you Infidel cracker dog”.

I naturally pointed out their faux pas in that they were not Lebanese but African, but before I had the chance to congratulate them on their freelance celebrating of cultural diversity, I realised too late my own error in neglecting to offer them a grant. Through my broken and bloody teeth I apologised for 19th century imperialism and for their appalling current lack of said government funding.

Fortunately I did manage to gurgle that my now naked wife and I understood what they actually meant and what their message through their entirely justified actions was, and that was a message of peace. A violent and terrifying peace that we should all embrace, and that has absolutely nothing to do with any unfortunate misunderstanding or misinterpretation of either culture or Islam. Indeed, any negativity towards vicious gang-rape is entirely on our heads, while we still have them.

So in conclusion, I shall paraphrase and say that if it looks like a duck, walks like a duck, sounds like a duck, it may indeed be a giraffe though of course conditions apply, naturally."

Sunday, 12 September 2010

Media to Muslims: Please Don't Hurt Me!

What would Judas do? The head of CNN, Judas Benedict Quisling pre-emptively commits cultural suicide so as not to risk offending Muslims by continuing to live. Said Quisling in his suicide note: "I'm sure this is what moderate Muslims would want."

A spokesman for the journalist group 'Cooperation Under Neutered Dhimmitude', [or CUND] said in a joint statement that:
"We in the media utterly condemn a previously unknown pastor for announcing that he would burn the absolutely super duper, fantastic, great, wonderful, brilliant, excellent, entirely true and again, very, very, very, very holy Koran, which we in the media all completely respect and love and read all the time and recommend to everyone and again, that we respect so very, very, very much. The Koran that is.

And we congratulate and give many, many thanks to the millions of Muslims all over the world for their entirely reasonable, fair minded and within proportion violence that is not really violence per se but tolerance. A beautiful peace loving violent tolerance that proves conclusively everyday and in so many ways that Islam, which is a wonderful religion, has absolutely nothing to do with and never has had a single connection whatsoever to the actual burning of 2,700 people on 9/11.

Nope, nothing. Nor indeed does Islam the Koran or Muslims have anything to do with global terrorism; thousands of beheading videos; the blowing up of thousands of girls schools; the beheading of Christian school girls; murdering all kinds of children on planes; endless car bombs; homicide suicide bombers; millions of child brides; 140 million Muslim females being genitally mutilated; mass inbreeding; relentless acted upon world-wide threats and murder; the 57 utterly criminal and dysfunctional Islamic theocracies of the OIC or, phew!

..the huge numbers of gang rapes, assaults, robbery, extortion and child prostitution virtually wherever Muslims immigrate; the massive crime funds funnelling and Saudi financing of terror; co-ordinated financial and political stealth jihad; the murder of Jews or the destruction of Israel and the West or the imposition of a global Islamic Caliphate by any means up to and including the detonation of nuclear weapons. No! That's those Anglicans!

And that damn pastor whom we've investigated in enormous detail over the last week revealing how he's worse than Hitler. Of course we never needed to do any investigating of Obama! We already knew how wonderful he was. But I digress.

Nay. We all love Islam! It's the best thing since sliced heads! Everything about Islam is grand! S'wonderful. Fabulous. It's the cat's pyjamas!"

BREAKING NEWS: 'Muslims across the world are violently offended by the recent comparison of Islam to "cats pyjamas" by a CUND spokesman..

CUND has issued the following statement: "We absolutely apologise for any offense that may have occurred due to a recent unfortunate statement either made or not made or even thought of by any CUND spokesman either now or in any future. We love and fear the peace loving religion of Islam! No, really we do. We would never ever, never even think of not respecting Islam. And he's the one that said it, not me! I was always so pro-Islam it hurts! So kill him! Just please don't hurt me!"

Wednesday, 1 September 2010

dePRAVDA: Comrades Madame Bundt And Lear Stevinix Rhiannovski Triumph In Glorious March Through Bourgeois Ecofascist Front Group!

Comrade Madame Bundt pictured here in her youth.

Comrade Lear Stevinix Rhiannovski pictured here at a recent anti-Zionist pro-Hamass mass-murdering psychopaths and other comrades rally, where he performed his popular Party Member trick of impersonating Stalin's moustache.

After the long-term infiltration of the ecofascist collective the Geeks, Comrade Bundt along with other key operative's, has been elected as local Kommissar in the satellite state of Melbournistan. Reinforcing the communist ideal, Comrade Madame Bundt said: “Bringing the revolution many steps closer has been made easy as we have many Soviet and East German agents and others in the media, government, education and especially entertainment." [Cuban agent's have gained revolutionary credit for their redistribution of complementary 100% cotton traditional Che the child killer t-shirts available in sizes 8 to 20.]

"Indoctrinating the young with correct thought is like training a dog, only much easier. What dog is stupid enough to willingly brainwash itself?” said Comrade Madame Bundt with a laugh.

Comrade Madame Bundt has responded quickly to criticism by the Australian Bolshevik Committee [ABC], regards the non-implementation of firing squads to liquidate all class-enemies of Gaia and the poisonous promoters of incorrect thought. Comrade Madame Bundt: “Remember your Gramsci and Saul Alinsky! We must be patient, comrades. When we have full revolutionary power all those who refuse to see the beauty of the progressive dream will be sent to the gulag or shot or both!”

Current Kommissar Comrade Lear Stevinix Rhiannovski, was supportive of Comrade Madame Bundt with correct revolutionary zeal. Wiping away tears of joy, Comrade Rhiannovski exhorted that “class enemies such as conservatives, Christians, sceptics, Zionist’s, non-left artists and Roger Whittaker fans, will be ruthlessly eliminated! Read my moustache! No more class-enemies!”
The reactionary tabloid The Australian, failed in trying to expose Comrade Bundt in a negative light and merely reinforced his commitment to the inevitable victory of the proletariat. Capitalist enemy of the working-class The Australian, reported that Comrade Madame Bundt said that he had "..always been towards an anti-capitalist, anti-social democratic, internationalist movement" and that "the parliamentary road to socialism is non-existent". 
He called the [Geeks] a "bourgeois" party but said supporting them might be the most effective strategy..."Communists can't fetishize alternative political parties, but should always make some kind of materially based assessment about the effectiveness of any given strategy come election time," he wrote in the 1995 memo. The Geeks General Secretary Bobby Backdoor used superior Marxist mathematics to endorse Comrade Madame Bundt and said that he ‘continued to have his "160 per cent support". This is correct REVOLUTIONARY thought, comrades!
Peoples Update!: Counter-Revolutionary Capitalist Double-Agent Rhiannovski Arrested and Purged! Comrade Rhiannovski has stated that: “Socialist countries naturally do make errors and therefore criticism and self-criticism will be forthcoming!”

Socialist countries do not make mistakes! No apologies for current truth are necessary! All failures are due to bourgeois and Zionist counter-revolutionary forces! Down with class enemy Rhiannovski!

Saturday, 7 August 2010

Morelandberg Council Celebrates Multicultism with Al Qaeda and Nazi Diversity.

General Von Schrager pictured here with Morelandberg City Council Diversity Officer Mrs Helga Gestapo, playfully wrestling over who is the more inclusive and sharia friendly. "I tell you, I'll host the Australian Union of Lebanese Gang Rapists!" insisted the ever cheerful Helga. Von Schrager responded in his light-hearted Prussian way that "Nein! I vill host der Baader Meinhoff Glee Club und zer Amalgamated Dubai und Sri Lankan Federation of Pedophile Imams! It'll be a gasser! Man, Islam's a scream! It's great for der kinder too!"

A phone call is made to Morelandberg City Council:

"Good Morning. Zis is General Von Schrager. May I say zat I salute your courageous council members voting to host der vonderful Al Qaeda franchise Hizb ut Tahrir Australian Local at Morelandberg Council premises last Sunday. If only more people ver so eager to include everyvun in our moving ever vorwerts. Of course you are right not to accept such extremists as Jews, conservatives, Christians und sceptics. Zat vould be madness!

And in zat very schpirit of multicultural diversity zat makes verboten any shallow moral judgement at Morelandberg, I look vorwart to our annual beer hall putsch-over vizzin your humble council gas-heated chambers of the Class of '43 Old Panzergruppen Boys. Today Morelandberg, tommorrow zer world!

Shall ve say about 20:00 hours?"

Friday, 23 July 2010

Hairdresser's Girlfriend Maid PM.

PM Julian Willard pictured here with officials of The Amalgamated Rat and Affiliated Rat-Fraggers Union. [Julian's long-time companion is on the PM's shoulder.]

"It shows that a simple Marxist Socialist Forum President or humble frag-hag can achieve anything with the brutal support of the glorious peoples revolutionary committee!" said the PM's boyfriend, a very proud Leslie Beard. With the planned advent of same-old sex marriage, the First Couple plan to become the First Coupler's.

Noted for her sophisticated and profoundly stirring rhetorical skills, PM Willard stated: "My simpatico compadre the Minister for Global Warming and Global Socialism Suzie Wong, with her great profundity and her sublime almost opaque genius will be as it were, my bridesmaid revisited. Perhaps the French rather naturally and rightly so, would afford Suzie due homage and egalite' with the requisite sophisticate-enable' as they say, while I myself prefer the original German: "der embershlaushtingerbling zatz einer cruntsburn."] The Deputy PM and Treasurer Mr Potato Head will of course be the best man my government can assemble."

During the Prime Minister's policy speech on the threat of giant radio-active spiders, protesters who demanded the government immediately put in place firing squads for sceptics, conservatives, Christians and Jews could be heard chanting "Macho macho man! I wanna be a macho man now!"

The PM, dressed in a fabulous pinstripe suit with a smart red tie, matching waist-jacket and delightful flat-heeled very sensible shoes spoke of her love of riding a bike. "Leslie has always said I have a face made for cycling and that I actually have a Bicycle Jones! That's where you love bicycling so much you even sleep with a bicycle and one becomes in a sense, a bicycle! He is a dear."

The PM then spoke with enthusiasm of her "true love and biggest Jones" being her "beloved and wonderful socialist communism." Willard continued: "In fact I organised a glorious people's conference and wrote a pamphlet or two on "Being a Socialist Teacher". Oops, maybe I shouldn't mention it but then if I don't who will? Nobody."