Friday, 25 February 2011

PM Julian Gillard Says He Really Does Have Cancer This Time.

Pm Julian Willard pictured participating in 'Grow A Beard For Gaia Day'. Quipped the PM: "I didn't shave for a week! Remember Mother Earth can't shave or grow a beard or even sideburns!"

After claiming for over three years that he had developed terminal cancer, and then stating in 2010 that he didn’t have the often fatal disease after all, PM Willard has again claimed that he does now indeed have cancer.

On Alan A’Dale’s morning talkback radio program Australia's first openly gay PM said that “I never said I never had cancer”, prompting Alan to play audio of Willard saying exactly that “I never had cancer.”

A’Dale then asked, “Are you telling me you never said you didn’t have cancer?”

The PM replied that, “When my party and I meet people from the media, or buy a pair of shoes or even some cheese, I look at say the cheese for example from all angles, holding it up to the light and then sometimes I hire a small boat during the holidays. Many people enjoy boating but let me say that the Opposition Leader Herp Albert, is an empty man, an empty volunteer fire fighter and empty lifeguard and boxer, an empty Bachelor of Economics and Laws and a meaningless Rhodes Scholar with a Master of Arts in Politics and Philosophy and a very fit, much loved married man with two daughters and other negative non-progressive fear mongering.

As the only real alternative, I offer Australian the brilliance of my life as a militant union lawyer and my university experience as a Communist Socialist secretary and the thrilling wonder of barely repackaged Marxist left socialist ecofascism. Now if that's not undeniable proof my very progressive cancer, I don't know what is. And unlike the fear mongering Herp Albert, I have a boyfriend.”

Alan then demanded that the PM say whether she actually has cancer or not, to which the PM answered, “I would if you didn’t interrupt my irrelevent babble everytime I go on and on and on and on and on and on and...”

A’Dale: “Just answer the...”

The PM: “I was just trying to Alan, If you’d let me finish. My boyfriend always does. And Bob Brown will back me up on this. Often repeatedly.”

Sunday, 20 February 2011

Mark Riley Admits He Is A Racist.

Mark Riley performs the song 'You Say Bush, I Say Hitler!' live on stage at the Communist Bolshevik Society.

Part-time journalist impressionist, volunteer Turkish bathhouse towel assistant and Roger Whittaker fan Mark Riley, admitted today that he is “a racist.” In a frank admission during rehearsals for his one man act ‘I Was A Teenage Marxist Boob’, Riley stated that “I’m a racist because clearly for me everything is about race”.

Mark explained that “this is why leftoids, strangled and indoctrinated as they are with the Soviet Era Communist product of the 'Frankfurt School' of political correctness, relentlessly shout “racist!” at hell, anything and everything! It’s all we’ve got.

Basically we're idiots, two-bit race hustling identity politics peddling circus geeks, incapable of forming a single, authentic, honest, decent, original thought, and of ever mounting a coherent empirical argument based on evidential merit. Our absurd doomed non-ideas are invariably utter failures if you simply just wait long enough. In short, we’re eternally juvenile shits. We're useless, we're laughable, yet amazingly often employed and tenured for life and thus expensive, destructive and dangerous. We're laughably clueless and wrong about everything, especially individual human nature, how to create wealth, what is freedom and history and its lessons etc. Sickening, eh? But what can ya do?

Thus we make a hell of a lot of noise because we're actually unwanted and not needed in any practical sense. Ever heard anyone sane say "gee, what this place needs is more freaking commie activists!?" or "hey, let's liven things up and invite lotsa stupid lefty journalist's like Mark Riley!" Never happens.”

Expanding on his recent epiphany, Riley went on and on adding that “I think P.J O’Rourke said it best when he wrote that leftist socialist Green Democrat and Labour creeps et al “hate anyone who has any guts”. We’re sickening really. It’s the fashionable hypocritical fraud of our screeching that is most repellent. This is why I felt I just had to cleanse myself today with this ironically Godless left mass media clod confession."

Riley added that he had a virtual Pavlovian ability to simply react to words, much like the dog in Pavlov’s famous experiments. In this remarkable admission Riley said that "when I hear a word or a sentence containing a complex series of facts or even a simple harsh reality, I invariably think of a logical fallacy. A babbling blizzard of witless ad hominem's first, then legions of strawmen, false arguments, false dichotomy’s and circular argument’s ad nauseum; that’s our stock method. As a media cripple, when I'm not lying, I’m really quite irrational. We all are. Is that a zebra?”

Riley said that he had once sought treatment for as he called it, his “inept paranoia and laughably unread fraud” but that his own “natural incompetence got the better” of him.

“I’ve always been a phony, a twerp if you will” he said. “But then much of the mainstream media is fake. Generally, the average media ass hat is a not too bright leftard. Narcissism and moral vanity is our main thing. Of course we’re big consumers of drugs, prostitutes, gambling, general vice and rather ironically, enormous consumers of un-researched MSM junk ourselves which is where we get most of our own utterly biased twit tripe and largely worthless dull material from. It’s quite the recycling loop,” Riley explained.

For all his self-confessed inner-turmoil, Riley ended on a somewhat positive note with some hope for the future, though tinged with regret for a largely wasted life. "While most leftards are self-loathing and curiously projecting types, we're basically suicidal. We have a kind of insane, hideous, repellent death wish, but without the laughs. Even I hate me as we all do, naturally. Sadly, we aim to drag everyone down with us if we can."

Mark Riley is appearing Monday night at the Communist Bolshevik Society in the Hitler Lounge, performing in ‘I Was A Teenage Marxist Boob: the Phillip Adams Story’, for half a performance only.

Saturday, 19 February 2011

Obama Calls Egyptian Protesters "Middle-East Tea Baggers Inciting Violence."

Obama shares a decent and civil joke with ACORN, Barack Hussein's long term associates and supporters, the very civil and decent Marxist communist socialist leftist child prostitute business advisers.

As the decent and civil Egyptian based Muslim Brotherhood supported demands for reform that they would never use to grab total power, President Barack Obama called out the Egyptian protests as “nothing but Middle Eastern tea-baggers”.

The President stated that while he had neither “the time nor the interest” in listening first hand to what the mass movement had to say, he “er, like, just knew” from the briefs supplied to him by his staff, that “they’re clearly people who are not only divisive but racist, ignorant and frightened of change while clinging to their guns, bomb vests, beheading videos and Korans”.

President Obama added that:
“in all candour I say this to be consistent with my values of enormous honesty and any absurd charges of dissonant addle-headed progressivism and out of depth left liberal opportunism are false, like the Republicans. Lying is something only those who disagree with me do because they are petty and misguided. For me to do otherwise rather than be consistent in this would be hypocritical or close to patently psychopathic. And this again, would not be nice.

If I have been anything, it is consistent. Consistency is the defining value I grew up with and has been the guiding principle in my life as well as in my political career, and continues to define my choices. Choices that may not please everyone, but they are consistent. Yep, consistency is the thing. Good old consistency. Ya can’t beat it.

I ask a simple question that any decent and civil person would ask. If the Tea Party were indeed a wide range of ordinary decent Americans and not pure evil, why would they not automatically agree with everything I say and do? I cannot conceive of an answer to such a question.

Next question please? You in the back smoking a Meerschaum Pipe I believe and wearing the straw boater, kilt and an appealing fright wig.”

Wednesday, 9 February 2011

Mark Riley Reacts Badly To Accusation That He Still Beats His Wife.

An alleged photo of Mark Riley possibly attempting to run down a small child, a scampering beetle or perhaps an innocent caterpillar.

Alleged drug addict, sexual pervert and journalist Mark Riley, was caught speechless when confronted with damning video evidence that he still beats his wife. The two second clip of Riley, who was also once accused of kidnapping the Lindbergh baby and was rumoured to be connected with the murder of corrupt union boss Jimmy Hoffa, clearly shows the alleged goat fancier saying “Er, yes, splutt!” in response to being asked “do you still beat your wife?”

When shown the shocking evidence of his own words by veteran reporter Charles Manson, Mark began to cry in loud shoulder-jarring sobs that lasted for almost a full minute, as an ever widening pool of urine surrounded his shoes, [a noticeably budget line of Florsheim's favoured by journalists and pimps.] He fled the scene on a small three-wheeler child's bicycle similar to the one pictured.

This is not the only scandal involving the alleged serial rabbit-fondler and fondue-thief. In another one second clip showing his response to a soldier asking the alleged one-time supplier of crack cocaine and child prostitutes to alleged news reporters at Channel Seven, to the question “what kind of music do you like?”, Riley is clearly heard saying “cunt..”

Mark Riley denies ever saying or reporting anything.

Tuesday, 8 February 2011

Muslim Brotherhood Founder Admits That Islam Sucks.

”Warning! Imam! Keep away from children, women, men and pets! It’s funny cos’ it’s true! I used to say this all the time just for the laughs, being an Imam myself, until the laughs stopped”, says the founder of The Muslim Brotherhood Imam Hassan al-Banna.

Hassan al-Banna, the founder of both The Muslim Brotherhood and the Karthoum Knitting Club, has taken what many consider a startling, controversial and even "daring" break with the standard Muslim jihadist line that Islam is a "religion of peace and a million wonderful laughs." The founding Imam says that “au contraire! Anyone can easily show that in every way Islam is empirically awful."

During an exclusive interview at Bernstein’s Kosher Dumpling Palace, al-Banna emphasised that “Let’s face it. Islam sucks! Everything about it is a total mad failure and an embarrassing violent drag. Islam is a disgrace! Always has been. Just look at our official [The Muslim Brotherhood's] credo. “Allah is our objective. The Prophet is our leader. Qur’an is our law. Jihad is our way. Dying in the way of Allah is our highest hope”. That’s poetry? It stinks! ! Like every jackass Islamic bigmouth from here to Cairo, it’s the best I could come up with. Like, ever! The Muslim Brotherhood are supposed to be the foundational Islamic influence in the world today! Sheesh! And we are!

Look Hymie, can I call you Hymie? We keep on outbreeding and inbreeding new recruits at 3.5 to 7 or 9 per female on average! Now outside of this ancient schtick of marrying our first cousins 40 to 75% of the time, and making it compulsory for everyone born into God’s Monkey House to be a Muslim on pain of death and a fine, well, mostly we rely for a lotta new blood on invasion, enslavement and by attracting mostly mentally ill criminal misfits. Of course there’s a negative side too.

Look, ya wanna help Muslims? I mean really help? Help them leave nutso Islam! It makes sense. I'm leaving next Thursday, but don't tell anyone. I might give the Quakers a go. I've always liked oatmeal.

And don’t get me started on that Krazy Koran! Ya ever tried reading it and making a shred of sense out of it? Impossible. What a pile of insane, convoluted poop! Frankly, whenever I see a Koran I want to burn it,” said al-Banna in clear frustration at what he sees as the failings of his enforced faith or as he likes to call it, “fucking Islam”.

The Imam continued with his views on the Prophet Mohammad. “Hey, now there’s your problem right there. What a crazy bastard. Hideous. I try to come up with a nice endorsement of Mad Mo and what have I got to work with? Pedophilia, rape, mass murder, uber-deception, lies, madness, necrophilia, banditry, pointless behavioural proscriptions for every mundane detail of life and this 7th century kept-boy is hallucinating in a lice ridden cave! You try and find an appealing fun product slogan in that mess. Freaking can’t be done! Only a low IQ illiterate idiot would buy it, which is pretty much what we end up with.”

The Imam then leant over and asked in a hushed tone if he can “let me in on a little secret?

Well, I have a screech owl that I’ve called Mohammad. I also have a baboon and a chimpanzee named Mohammad. I have a dozen lovable newts, a hamster, a gnu, three aardvarks, a poodle, two mice, a rattlesnake and a sloth all named Mohammad. I also have a centipede, a slug, a blow fish, a family of Sea Monkeys and a Petri dish of bacteria all named Mohammad. I can say ‘hey Mohammad!’ and they all appear at once, alighting in photogenic pose. Pretty funny, eh? Nya. I guess not, but I gotta get some laughs somewhere out this Islamic crap.

Hey, I used to come up with all these hilarious lines during bomb-making and beheading video downtime. Just don’t tell anyone. Ya know what Muslim’s are like! They get offended at everything and nothing. No, really. Jesus what a God awful disaster Islamisation is. ”

Hassan al-Banna is appearing for one night only at the ‘Carlos the Jackal Lounge’ in Yemen, supported by The 'Explosive!' Six Mohammad’s. [Below are just some of Hassan's favourite Islamic flavoured one-liners.]

Islam. The Religion of Peace...or else!

Hey! Did somebody just Mohammad?

Frankly my dear, I don’t give a Koran.

Oh John! Oh Mohammad!

Oh God! I think I’m going to Mohammad!

Removes most bathroom Mohammad’s with a single wipe!

Removes even the most stubborn Mohammad’s in the wash!

I think we may have to put Mother into a home. She’s becoming more Mohammad everyday.

I’m afraid your tests are positive Mr Kowalski. You have Mohammad.

Sir! I said drop the Koran and move away from the nuclear device, now!

Your towel, sir.

In all my years of medical and psychiatric practice, I’ve never seen a Mohammad like it.

Islam? No, it’s beef!

Islam treats women like a precious gift. That’s why they wrap them up.

Larry, Mohammad and Curly.

Hey Mo! Nyuk, nyuk, nyuk!

And then he says, ‘you should have seen the other Mohammad!’

Hey Mohammad! Here boy!

All units respond to a Mohammad at 12th and Vine. Suspect is armed, has a history of psychological illness and is considered extremely dangerous.

In zis experiment I vill transfer zer brain of zis Mohammad into zer brain of zis chicken!

Of course I love you but we’re so different. You’re just way too Mohammad!

It looks like Mohammad is going for the triple play.

Hey Dude, like that Mohammad is like totally radical!

Early behead and early to lies, makes Mohammad unhinged wacky and despised.

Hey Kor-an, you’re the girl for me.

My, my, my, my, my, my, my, my Mohammad!

My Mother caught me having a Mohammad.

Hey, that’s like, totally Islam!

Adventurous cross dresser wishes to meet midget acrobat for casual fun times. Must be into Mohammad.

Oh, Mr President! I'll never get your Dhimmi stains out of my new dress!

Hey buddy. Interested in half an hour with a really hot little Mohammad?

I woke up this mornin’ and got myself Mohammad!

Are you some kind of Mohammad?

They Came From Outer The Koran!

I Was A Teenage Mohammad!

I never had sexual relations with that Mohammad.

I am not a Mohammad!

Dhimmi, Dhimmi coco pop!

The Australian Labour Party stands for all Mohammad's.

Read my lips. No more Mohammad's.

That curry gave me terrible Sharia.

Islam ah bad?

Life is but a dream...kaboom, kaboom!

Congress has just outlawed Islam. We commence bombing of Mecca in five minutes.

Whoh oh Black Betty, Ramadan. Damn things gone wild. Ramadan.

I just met a girl called Sharia.

Bewitched, bothered and beheaded am I.

In the merry, merry month of Ramadan.

A full Burqa looks like Gort the robot in drag.

Islamic puzzle book. Join the heads!

It looks like Mohammad is going for the red in the side pocket.

Now Mohammad, I just want you to relax and close your eyes and tell me, why do you hate everyone’s Mother?

That’s Mohammad ahead by two points.

Crazier than an Imam.

After washing thoroughly, please place all Mohammad’s in the bin provided.

I’ll have the Mohammad and eggs and a coffee, thanks.

I’ve been seeing another Mohammad, and we’re in love!

How could you spend all our savings on a Mohammad!

Hey man, this is Grade A Mohammad!

I’m sorry. We just sold our last Mohammad. We’re expecting more by Thursday at the latest.

They tried to tell us we were Mohammad.

Here’s looking at you, Mohammad.

Ramadan a ding dong.

Iraq me baby, all night long.

Hey, I’m gonna Mecca summa spaghetti!

Try ‘New’ Mohammad! Now with five times more Jihad!

Is your hair dry, lifeless and hard to Mohammad?

There is nothing to fear but Islam itself.

This is a day that will live in Islam, see.

Ask not what your country can do for you, but what you can do for Dhimmitude.

The truth about Islam? You can’t handle the truth!

Israel is real. Islam is unreal.

Islam gave me cancer!

Islamism. It’s the crème de’ la crude.

Harem Jane Fonda. Haram Jane Fonda.

Tuesday, 1 February 2011

Progressive Lawyers, Guns and Money: The Colonel Neville Lettuce.

Pictured above, James T. Meggesto was famous for his party trick of 'eerie' Saul Alinsky impressions, unless of course there was a lampshade handy. “The first time he did an Alinsky I thought it was Alinsky!” says a friend who wished to remain anonymous and would only give the pseudonym of ‘Barry O’. Said the friend: “Oh yeah, I remember ‘Pick the target, freeze it, personalize it and polarize it’. Jimmy used to get us all to sing chorus after endless freakin’ chorus of that song. It used to drive Hillary nuts. She'd just sit there all in a funk alone in the corner with a lampshade on her head.”

Dear James T. Meggesto:

Washington D.C. T. [1] 202.887.4147

Having read your masterpiece statement regards Paul Mirengoff’s post at the Powerline blog via Mark Steyn and legalinsurrection, I must inform you that your use of the phrase “shocked, appalled and embarrassed” is also the title of the famous Spaghetti Western of the same name by Sergio Leoni: “The Shocked, The Appalled and The Embarrassing”, starring Clint Eastwood.

In the film, Clint plays "The Man With No Identity Politics” who makes the mistake of riding into the town of ‘Socialist Shakedown’, a long-term Democrat voter base and thus largely welfare dependent and vice ridden, and run by Madoff Manson Hyde Alinsky and Goebbels, a notoriously corrupt gang of lawyers who feign outrage on behalf of the Raquit Indian tribe, all in order to silence and extract money from any objecting local townspeople, and anyone else who happens to innocently wander into their own 'personal' town.

Of course in the film it’s Clint who rides into this very town or as he calls it: "a liberal shithole", while coolly ignoring the sign at the city limits that menacingly reads “WELCOME TO SOCIALIST SHAKEDOWN. IT’S A PROGRESSIVE DEMOCRAT KINDA PLACE AND WE WANT IT TO STAY THE SAME WAY! FOREVER!!”

Clint enters the saloon where everyone is singing an ode to Raquit Indians with a chorus that goes “Oh great wise and superior to all are the Raquit Indian ways! None can come close to their brilliance, fun and advanced laughter techniques! All bow down before The Great Raquit!”

While Clint orders his drink at the bar he’s approached by a stranger who asks him to remove his hat and why he alone is not joining in the group praise. “Mebbe I don’t want to” answers Clint. “But everyone wants to! I got their written confessions that they do right here!”, says the stranger.

Eastwood as “The Man With No Ideology” looks him right in the eye and drawls, “All I see is a bunch of pathetic yellow belly Yankees scared of their own shadows. ‘Sides, there ain’t no money in it fer me. Now if you’ll be so kind..” Clint puts his drink to his lips just as the stranger knocks it from his hand, spilling Clint’s tumbler of 'That Old Bastard Owl Whiskey’ on the floor.

Clint squints hard at the stranger and reaches for his Colt Equaliser as the entire room of people including the stranger, run out the door crying like the yella bellies they are. The stranger then peeps through one of the saloon doors and says in a high pitched voice, “You’ll be hearing from Socialist Shakedown’s lawyers!”, before scampering down the street like a polecat.

Boy, what a coincidence, eh?!

Now the problem I have is that I feel that your statement “shocked, appalled and embarrassed” is I feel, perhaps even for arguments sake, allegedly but not necessarily so, aimed at insulting my Down Under tribe known as The Bullshit Detectors. I feel that allegedly YOU think, I feel, that people would naturally be “shocked, appalled and embarrassed” by us! I feel. Allegedly. What do I know...

Yet we’re a grand bunch from an ancient culture steeped in recognising bullshit as a basic mechanism to maintain our universal and unalienable Creator Endowed First Amendment Rights. [Our mortal enemies The Bullshitter’s are a swarming sort of tribe, marked by their deceptive and naturally thievin’ big government and downright dangerous to liberty ways, but I digress.]

Now I feel this must be an insult allegedly, I feel, squarely aimed at us because no-one honest and NOT for example only, not a sanctimonious, self-serving, phony shakedown artist would think, say or much less write such a steaming pile of logical fallacy buffalo pies, I feel. Allegedly. Whatever. Real baloney perhaps entirely coincidentally like that, can even cause us existential pain! It’s as if someone wants to destroy our liberty and thus our very life, much like those awful Bullshitter's!

I felt for example and just throwing it up in the air here, how could any non-rent seeking lawyer for arguments sake, for example, I feel, make such an allegedly insensitive and wholly inappropriate slanderous drivel blizzard I feel, for example, against say the use of an honorary Bullshit Detector's Constitutional right to free speech, which empirically critiqued the recent hijacking of a service held in Tucson, Arizona. But not necessarily, for example. I feel.

As soon as I and the rest of my tribe became aware of your alleged posting, we took immediate action to deal firmly with this unfortunate situation. Accordingly, after sniffing the air to gauge the size of your alleged excreted poundage, the Bullshit Detector’s Big Kahunaroonie, John Adams [no relation] issued the following statement:

“Congress shall make no law respecting an establishment of religion, or prohibiting the free exercise thereof; or abridging the freedom of speech, or of the press; or the right of the people peaceably to assemble, and to petition the Government for a redress of grievances.”

We liked it so much that a couple of us guys got into an old Time Machine we had just lyin’ around and travelled back in time! We gave John Adams idea to the actual second American President of the same name. How cool is that?!

No, really. Colonel Neville.