Sunday, 28 October 2012

The Age to Feature Michelle Grattan as 'Page Three Girl' in Bid to Boost Sales.

Michelle Grattan pictured above in the famous Monty Python 'Dead Press Parrot Sketch'. Michelle was a regular Python player usually dressing in drag to play the part of a woman. Grattan's employer since 1926, Fairfax Media, has lost over 2.6 billion dollars and hopes to build on that success into the future.

Defiantly bankrupt broadsheet The Age will be giving the masthead some much needed Press Gallery sex appeal, featuring daily page three girls starting with the “mysterious allure” of Michelle Grattan. “Anything to give a hand” says Michelle cheekily who also likes water sports and beach volleyball.

Other “Sirens of the Left” will include Jenna Price who was coy about her birthdate. “I always lie about my Age!” she quipped. Fellow Green Sarah HansonYoung will star in a 'Marxist All Star n' Best Of Hamass n' Hizbollah BDS Double Spread.' “AllahuAkbah!” eh, boys? Sarah's face was originally "assembled in the dark" using largely recycled materials.

Wearing her trademark permanent death mask, The Green's Christine Milne will be the lead babe in a “Strange Butt True” pictorial along with ex-Green leader Bob Brown, made entirely from wood and the odd man out, as he poses with his column titled, “Who Needs A Gender Anyway?” Bob’s first post will be on the humble newt, which the ex-Senator has been trying to breed. Any success yet, Bob? “No, sadly I have found that newts, especially two males, cannot breed...yet.”

The Age Girls are right behind Bob and his column. “There’s a lot of Brown in all of us” they chorused. Editor of The Age Carlos T. Jackal explains the shake-up: “We have tried everything but nothing works. Over the years we have hired thousands of the best that progressive journalism schools have to offer, while searching out professionals from all walks of left. For The Age team,  thinking is always a group effort."

Why Michelle Grattan? Jackal: "Many people have asked that same question. Because she's a real professional. I've seen her express one firmly held viewpoint and then quick as a flash, the entire opposite one and on the same subject! Yes, brilliant. She not only moves her own goal posts but the entire field, most of the car park..and the mobile hot dog stand..and that cute little ice-cream van.    

Another big plus at Fairfax is that we have never allowed extremists such as right-wing extremists or extremists of the right-wing into our serious newsroom, turning off readers with their unappealing facts. Instead we have focused on quality international and local caring Marxists and jihadist moderates, many with entirely acceptable Jew-hating credentials.”

Apart from Fairfax as the leader in the exciting areas of massive debt and collapsing sales, were there any other particular turning points for such bold changes?

Carlos T. Jackal: “Well, we’re big on serious research at The Age, and our research has shown that most people want to see more women of the left who are so sadly under represented in the media, academia, government and in road construction. Let’s face it. Women of the left are filled with many things. They’re fun, sexy, fresh thinking and appealing, and not just to our lesbian feminist readers from Brunswick. So after waiting for over thirty years readers can now see even more of Michelle Grattan as well as men exactly like her. I believe we’re onto a real winner. Now if I could just get Laurie '"I don't see obvious bias in ABC news" Oakes to do a Greek Mount Olympus cum Star Wars themed thing I have in mind…”

Wednesday, 24 October 2012

Stones Stripped Of Title Over Drug Use.

The Rolling Stones in their heyday. Brian Jones is pictured sitting front row right, standing back row right and on the left.

A scandal revealing that the popular singing group The Rolling Stones have used performance enhancing drugs on more than several occasions, has shocked dozens of people around the globe and led to The Stones losing their title as “The Greatest Rock n’ Roll Band in the World”. The famous group are now known simply as “the band in the world”.

Keith Richards Denies Doping.

“I’ve never used drugs” said guitarist Keith Richards. “I don’t even drink. I prefer sober reality and living in the present, however challenging. Just ask Brian.” Guitarist Ron Wood says that he has never been involved in any kind of drug use, claiming “I don’t even own a bicycle.” Lead singer Mick Jagger of no fixed address, admitted that “the Beatles and The Who were doing it and then Led Zeppelin and Bowie…they said they were forced to do it. It was expected, though we never did ‘em. I’ve always preferred afternoon tea me'self”.

The head of World Celebrity Louis Renault, stated that he was “shocked! Shocked to discover that artificial stimulants were being used in the music establishment!" Could the Stones have written their songs without drugs or tricycles? "Who knows, but they wouldn't have been so profound. Anyway, what happened to the joy derived from the simple pleasures of sunshine, the great outdoors and healthy, wholesome pursuits like say, cycling for example?” What indeed.