Thursday, 28 June 2007

Your Paradigm Is Making Me Nauseous.

More and more school Principals in the Government Education system are finding the combination of excessive responsibilities and the lack of discipline to be extremely stressful. Many just burn out.

(This is my pathetically ignored reply to leftard creep Catherine Deveny’s column in The Age newspaper, [sure it is] for the 23/05/07, where she candidly wrote about suffering from Private Education Aversion Syndrome, [or PEAS: an irrational and rancid hatred of Private Schools and an unhinged disgust for all those who dare to be involved.]

I’ve wanted to write to a newspaper for well, never actually until today. Now writing for a newspaper, that’s a completely different waste of time. Why don’t they hire me to write instead of Old Puddin’ Face? I’m smarter, funnier, more interesting, better looking and will work for less. Or does being good looking work against a journalist much like cool clothes?

Hey, don’t get me wrong. I enjoy a Saturday morning coffee with a dull and entirely predictable spreadsheet, the same old names or even new names from central casting, and all the usual angles, as much as the next person. And I’ll probably need a lot of caffeine to stay focused on an even half-hearted response to the 'Hatred of Private Education' thing after looking over Catherine wheel Deveny’s sensitive, insightful, inspiring Miss Ann Thropic spread. Oh yes and her horizontal column of scribbling as well.

Where do you begin though? Do I start with the mean and meaningless assumptions? What about the creepy, smug and glib intolerance? What about the Cat’s religious experience regarding the size of Shane Maloney’s testicles? This was after Catherine read Maloney’s callow, startlingly rude, crude and plain old mean inner-city radical bore diatribe he made at Scotch College, incredibly after a cordial invitation to speak there. Apparently Shameless Maloney thought they were deluded jerks.

Reading his hideously low and meagre opus caused the Dev to bang upon her kitchen table with a downward thrust of a clenched appendage while shouting Hallelujah at the, “sheer brilliance and balls of Maloney”. At a later chance meeting with the brilliant balls she said and I quote: “Maloney had me gush”. Quite. Use a towelette.

It’s a crazy old world in Hacktown. How could so many write so little for so long and not get fired? I know, let’s start at The Devs' dress that she wears in her fetching column photo. Right on sister! You’re wearing a Cheong Siam!

All of which shows the beauty of her multiculti cred. You don’t actually need to know anything about another people at all, just wear the ethnic top and feel warm about it while swearing perversely at white people like yourself. If Devon cake did know anything about say for instance, the people who came up with that swinging little number she's wearing like er, Asians such as Chinese, Vietnamese or even Japanese like my wife, she’d surely know that they are a large part of private school enrolments. They’re not all white at all bein' the convenient and curiously self-loathing colour of your common Age journalist or newt for example.

I know, I know, unlike Dev, those private school folks are all real phoney jerks and parasites. At least I presume Dev was talking about the parent’s? Yet another of 'er outstanding pieces of rib tickling literary journalism or like Father like son or like a real mother for that matter.

Oh no, I’m rushing ahead like a blazer wearing foolish young school girl. I do believe Dev's far more comprehensive list deserves to be re-showcased as it were.

What were those nasty Private School people again, according to old, old Cathy? Aah yes, that’s right. "Insecure, nauseating, child programming, status glutted, spoon feeding, segregating, ghetto building molly-coddlers", whom I presume from what is surely a reprinted pamphlet, foolishly and mistakenly want their children to be all they can be. Even if this does not mean as Deveny reccommends with admirable cant stopping at the endless fun and good times of blue collar work and the trades.

And if Christian like me which she more than infers is somewhat regrettable and so many Asians are regrettably Christian, we can confidently add her sub-epithet delivered slander of "divisive, discriminatory, reliant on hand-outs and", now let me get this right, “they implicitly teach children that some kids deserve nicer playgrounds than others”.

Now Miss Deveny, may I call you that? You must forgive me for being remiss but I must have overlooked that particular part of the syllabus when I went scouting for a suitable school for my four year old and distinctly Eurasian looking son.

Catherina, the reason Christians, Jews, Muslims, Mormons, Hindu’s and every other group of neurotic and pretentious private school loving weirdos often send their children to the appropriate denomination of private school is because well, they probably would wouldn’t they? Maybe a secular, public education doesn’t float their boat.

Perhaps a curriculum set by the Big Red Ed of the currently fashionable and undeniably leftish ideology courtesy of the many layered vegetable that is the Teachers Onion, just doesn’t automatically inspire cultures who have often little or no confusion about what they believe in and need. And naturally they aren’t about to change for the latest leftish white bread suicidal nullity on the blind and merry road to Western cultural suicide. Go figure.

I can dig that your life as a cruelly affluent journo is possibly fraught with far more deprivation, less choice and more trouble than a guy that arrived here from the Mekong Delta, illiterate and wearing a pair of toy shorts and you are happy with that. Bravo for that brave choice. You may be up for a medal, perhaps a George Clooney for Service to the Fortunate.

These immigrant nuts have so easily let the thrill, adventure and novelty of having little or no education slip through their malnourished fingers. Now all these deluded people from Asia, Africa and the Middle East, Europe and working-class Australians want to pass their snobbery of a good life onto their children. This includes what they believe to be the oh so easy to look down on materialistic benefits of a Degree or a Masters that can be parlayed into good dental and medical and bacteria free food.

Cathy, it’s just that a lot of my shorter and ethnic friends come from places where you only get what you pay for. They see it the same way with education and with their own children’s future. And they’re damn sure that it will be better than their own past. Crazy, eh? I know it can shake a comfortable progressive tree, but if any shrivelled shrub needed a good whack, that would be the one.

"The maniacs! They blew up all my shibboleths, my beautiful ideology and assumptions! Oh damn you, damn you all to Hell!"

Now private schools or otherwise don’t always mean as much as they’re supposed to, but in the end they do. We spent a lot of time looking and man, even with variation, private IS different to public. A better education means a better life. That's a harsh fact of life. People are not stupid or shallow because they disagree with your logical fallacy. No, really.

While being a tradesman is as noble endeavour as any and you do get that magnificent medal at the end, I do feel that you have exaggerated the heights of nirvana that can be reached with power tools though in your private life, who knows. Perhaps due to the shortage of said tradesmen, it’s that they now get paid well and have a kind of stability due to demand and demographics. What do I know?

Perhaps it’s the cash and not always the joy and fun of hard, hard, HARD work. Not so joy filled for my Father who was an English working-class miner, carpenter, plumber and builder guy. He died badly, his once truly mighty frame crippled and bent from over fifty years of the kind of work you should perhaps never, ever get to enjoy. He ended crying and screaming while riddled with cancer from the now banned chemicals that were in wide use at the time. So no, not always a lot of laughs there.

I’m actually sending my son to the local Government school. Strangely, I feel no surge of contempt for anyone who doesn’t. It seems a good school when they stay within the eight core subjects they are trained for and not when drowning the extra-curriculum with largely PC ecofascist leftard tosh. So it could just as easily not be so er, good. I went to four government schools myself as a boy. Not one was worth a damn.

Things have changed a lot since then and many things are better, some are not and some are soooo much worse. Ideology is mostly for those without a true centre that anchors them to who they truly are as a human being. That’s why there is really no place for ideology in boxing or real martial art. It’s just mostly thinking skills, effective action, friendship, philosophy and the beautiful redirection of energy. But I digress.

Regards the very suave Shane, not the movie but the loudmouth, his losing submission to 'Great Speeches of The Twentieth and Twenty First Centuries’ was actually not “sheer brilliance” as that would leave little head room for Winston Churchill and Reagan or Wilma the Bag Lady.

It was sheer ugly and deluded junk. Anyway, I love your work! Just don’t lose that light touch. Keep on mixing the frivolous with both the hatefully unread mindless nihilism and the crudely thoughtless. It’s nice.

Dear Sports, here's my wonderfully dismissed reply to a follow up by one of Kathy's Aged comrade. Plus a nice one on the strange bi-polar and fashionable Jew hating leftard ultra-parody that is Michael Leunig.

Tuesday, 12 June 2007

Radical Shmadical.

Leftist indoctrinated university and private school students pictured helping 'the people' - by intimidating, vandalizing and burning down the places where the people work, shop and generally live - the people who coincidentally either created and built everything, and or pay for an alleged education that enables many a brat to 'live in a fantasy life completely supported by the system they despise.'

“Few people are capable of expressing with equanimity opinions which differ from the prejudices of their social environment. Most people are even incapable of forming such opinions”. Albert Einstein.

Man, being a liberal used to be a noble and beautiful thing, [kinda] for many the decent thing to be, like Gregory Peck as the lawyer Atticus Finch, in ‘To Kill a Mockingbird’. [Actually a ridiculous cardboard character ridden book and thus film.] Or Sidney Poitier in just about any movie he made. I think of Martin Luther King marching on Selma and speaking at the Washington Monument. [King was actually a Republican.] The joy on peoples face as Nelson Mandela goes walking and smiling in the sun. [Mandela actually was a Marxist who admired Che the child killer, also a Marxist. Mandela amassed thousands of explosives and rounds of ammunition with which he helped to regularly commit such acts as blowing up shopping centers, tearing black and white people to shreds. The reason why he was not let out of jail for so long, is that he refused to renounce doing the same actions again.]

Being liberal was being hip to the wonderful Marx Brothers instead of the horrible Marx - or was it? What the hell happened on this road to hell paved with laughably unproven and narcissistic good intentions? Ah, they're actually progressives meaning leftist and Marxist sodden frauds without limits. Well, they're only movies and the rest often seems, just imaginary projections by a too eager audience. A difference is that in the past, liberal minded people were mebbe oft strong people as they well, had to be.

Today, liberals are mostly at core, progressive control-freak weaklings, who invariably side with the bully and gangster and lack the courage to tackle a real target or challenge and lack all required humility and intellectual rigor for pre-digested slop of whatever current leftist trope is floatin' by.

Nick Cohen, in his book 'What's Left? How modern Liberals lost their way', says how for the left, post modern shmodern European Union, their Euro Paradise had a "fatal weakness: it wasn't prepared to fight for itself or its values. Indeed, its post modern condition rested on the belief that it had no absolute values that were not open to negotiation".

Apart from Europe's auto anti-Americanism, moral vanity, nihilism and push for our cultural suicide. There is no consistent conception in the circular EU politic and the left that you should always support anyone, anywhere at anytime and in anyway that believes in individual liberty and economic freedom.

The left are now permanently not interested either in solutions. By default, they oppose those that do by always ascribing the worst of motives to everything. See how one EU state after another has acquiesced to terrorist attacks? No defiance, no finest moment speeches about what they believe in or stand for, because in the end, they don't. As for Mandela, what has he done for South Africa post apartheid exactly, beyond the symbolic and attaining his living Sainthood? Hey, calm down. I’m just asking. Not a lot of talk from ‘The Man’ about Zimbabwe, Darfur or the three million dead in the Congo etc, etc, He forgot to mention about perhaps improving the accountability of venal, corrupt and violent African non-civil governments or putting in place economic systems that work and deliver effective living standards and the rule of law to ordinary Africans. And what's with Mandela, the forever deeply corrupt, rotten and stupid Marxist ANC and their ever-growing alliance with Islamofascists?

It's a riot, but with all it's faults, South Africa and a hand full of other African states with the rule of law and working economies are exactly where a lot of Africans want to go. Either that or out of Africa away from Robert Redford.

This lack of civilian accountable governments and free market economic systems under the rue of law and contract are the core of Africa's problems, beyond the ruin of foreign aid, tribalism, cronyism, nepotism, misogyny, a continent wide desire of men to gang rape children to shreds, superstition, tribalism, slavery, child soldiers and inferior cultural practices such as child brides and genital mutilation etc, etc. I must have missed Mandela's memo's on these lesser subjects. Hey, mebbe Africa is not a 'special' case as it likely has just as many smart, talented, educated, ambitious and enterprising people as anywhere else, as well as more natural resources than most anywhere else. But none of that is a damn bit of good if there is nowhere to go that is reliable.

Economic systems beyond the ones that are efficiently oiled enough to put the majority of foreign aid into Swiss and Caribbean bank accounts and build endless massive vanity projects for the local rapist, killer cannibal King. Not a lot of straight talking about the endless waves of majority black violence, the greater part being black on black, in his own country. I detour, but do you know that 94% of murdered black men in America are murdered exclusively by other black men? Well, at least ya know they ain't racists.

Mandela was a lousy Prime Minister and is a generally superficial statesman who riffs on platitudes along with the international platitude set such as Bono the shallow pop poser and tax shelter specialist, Geldof the very successful businessman and jabbering twit and Naomi Campbell the Enlightenment philosopher cum narcissistic dimwit. Hey, mebbe you don’t need to be any good and actually achieve much if you are already an awe inspiring larger than life figure like Nelson Christ.

Sadly, real life for the ordinary and non charismatic is in the dull little details like the economy, employment, business, food, education and living without the constant threat of violence and murder. For a long time, Mandela has been half the man he’s supposed to be such as when he spoke sickeningly of the moronic mass-murdering Marxist coward Guevara. “Che's life is an inspiration for every human being who loves freedom” platted the half Nelson. Balls. He’s right though in a way. Freedom from the facts about your murder sprees ever interesting in the slightest your mindless shallow fans, freedom from accountability and consequences and no need for any concerns about the majority of said idolaters doing any research on your actual achievements. Just get an appealing t-shirt image out there and sit back smiling.

He said nothing when South Africa’s worthless Prime Minister Thabo Mbeki put his deeply ignorant view that AIDS is not spread by HIV. Mbeki is another fan of Fidel and a member of the absurd and profoundly awful Blame fests that are Cuba’s Group of Non-Aligned Nations ‘failed states’ summits. How rad! Nelly was more effective in jail when he couldn’t do anything.

The trouble with Harried.

Apart from the mass midnight arrests, the firing squads and gulags, the trouble with left ideology always was and still is the basic foundations, if you can call them that. I wouldn’t build my house on them. The problem is the middle-class left often alternatively romanticise or despise the working class and like to engineer what is 'good for the' from on high, just as activists do in third world countries, stopping the development that they and West take for granted. Activist environmentalists have stopped over 300 dams in the developing world. None of this effects a Western protester in the slightest as they already have electricity and everything good and essential to a decent life that comes with it.

The removal of the ‘head-Head case dictator of a sovereign police state used to be virtually the main priori of the liberal. If they don’t stand for this anymore, what exactly do they stand for? Oh, that’s right, for Al Gore when he enters the room. Now there’s a template for a phony opportunist if I ever saw one. Research his dismal history and weep but do keep a bucket handy for the vomit. Just don't read mine.

It doesn’t matter whether there’s alleged good intentions or not on the left, socialist or communist blurred vision of a highway to hell or expressway to disaster. In the end it’s like all collectivist ideologies: a series of closed, mechanical packages of proscribed non-thinking that start and end badly. Ain’t nothin’ but the unreal thing, baby. Wooden, randomly assembled orthodoxies unfit for any spontaneous, liquid, complete and natural human being. It stinks! In truth, the left doesn’t always care so deeply about the subjects it seizes upon like a spoiled child. That is why it’s happy to sell out any and all hard won gains like rights for women and gays, freedom of expression and religion and so on, to the extremes of multicultural abasement and an endlessly neurotic political exactness re: Islamism etc.

Just try this as an experiment. Say to any earnest wheat grass fanatic that you think it’s all crap and not just the wheat grass. Your right to disagree with any of his shibboleths will be respected and all with good it won’t! You must accept the whole package however it twists, turns and convalutions. Whatever today's peculiar transformation is, so ya better keep up with the revolution.

A little different to say the humanities or real martial arts, but then martial arts are based in a physical human reality first and the beautiful philosophy comes from that, while the humanities are about understanding people as they are and bringing out the best in them, not about imposing a machine system on to how you think they should be.

Dream an ugly little dream with me.

The leftist saviours of the working class build their Utopian dream almost exclusively from the sky down and it’s an ugly little dream at heart, full of envy and spite wrapped up as virtues. The left always theorises the abstract merely in order to destroy the actual. While being liberal may still have something of value, the left have nothing you need and can’t get better somewhere else. So why bother? Why go for the whole Turd Pie no matter how cleverly polished, or how many say it’s actually an apple pie? A new set of rags won’t improve that zombie frame. With leftist cliches you don’t even need to be there but simply fill it in by numbers or over the phone. It’s a system that easily defaults into anti-thought requiring really no input from you. In the end and sometimes it is yours, collectivist ideology is incapable of any healthy modification, adaption and customising. It sure ain’t gonna modify or become interactive for you.

The horrible freak birth of each ‘new’ left non-idea and diversion is invariably born dead. Its B grade horror movie quality may be part of why it’s so appealing to the immature and those desperately in need of narrow certainties, an identity and a cause. It’s requires almost no responsibilities beyond parroting pre-packed non-statements and non-sequiturs while affecting excited and empty poses. This is hardly a celebration of the uniqueness of the individual human being. Just be against things and you know which ones. It’s all so cosy and easier to assemble than Lego.That’s because it’s not about people really, that’s just a cover. It’s about the primacy of power and a stupid and contradictory ideology.

It’s about how the protagonist wants to be seen. It’s the ultimate system for wanting credit where none is due. That’s why in Communist states they always kill those who just can’t seem to see the greatness of the ‘Beloved Leaders’ wished for projections of himself. ‘I am the Sun King. Behold my enormous golden and vegetable like head!’ Of course for spoiled or neglected brats in the West, right up to those of late middle-age, hating your parents or exclusively Western politicians, is the easy part. Read that as mostly the Anglosphere unless there is a non-left non Socialist win in Europe.

Sunday, 10 June 2007

Dear Post Office.

A recent TV advertisement to publicise the new Post Office 'Guaranteed Delivery' times.

Dear Post Office: Thankyou for the partial refund on the non-completion, non-delivery of your mail holding service.

As you are aware we paid for two months, but sadly, you held it for only two weeks then rather ironically, very promptly and efficiently returned it all to sender, without contacting us. Keep up the good work. Strangely, we are unlikely to want mail kept for two random weeks and then just to see what happens, release it into the postal void. We could have done it ourselves by doing nothing instead of paying a vast and anonymous organisation to achieve the same curious result.

Amusingly, I was surprised that you have decided not to refund all of our money. It seems rather courageous after the unexpected non-service we received. I imagine it was on the grounds that the mail was kept for two weeks and to me, that's the flaw, right there.

Anyone could have kept the mail then just 'let it go back into the wild'. Keeping the mail could be simply leaving it where the mail professional usually leaves it in say, a rudely fashioned pile or an old banana box, though of course I don't wish to reveal your in-house methods to the general public.

It's really the holding, that's the thing. It's really the holding. Holding would then be following the instructions on the form that we filled in.

I see that your conditions appear to state that you have limited to no responsibility for errors in service. I'd be happy to discuss that exact point with any Australia Post Director over a meal at our cafe. Of course, they would have to pay their bill in full when first ordering and we can't guarantee that their meal will ever arrive.

They may receive just a part of their meal, or the waiter may carelessly crush it, shake it about or may just throw it at their table. It may be sent to another customer, another cafe, left out in the rain, or returned to the kitchen, labelled 'customer not known at this table'.

Sadly any piece of the meal that does arrive, say a piece of tomato, can not be covered by a refund as it would be clear that we did indeed provide a section of ‘the meal’ or ‘service’.

There is still always a chance that it may turn up by 2067, appearing as an evening news item just after the poodle that can howl along to a musical instrument. Remember that at any time we may just outsource the waiter or chef duties to a herd of Barbary apes.

Delightfully, we have spent the best part of several days and quite a few phone calls in attempting to track down the possible original sources of mail in order to get it resent. Those naughty scamps at the bank for example, wanted to charge us $40 to resend our statements, but we get a free biro.

In closing, I feel at the minimum we should have got the whole $76 refunded as we did not get in effect what we paid for, or did we misunderstand your glossy pamphlets? You can keep any $100,000 in compensation and the trip to Barbados, which is reasonable and decent on my part, I think.

Whether you kept the mail for a pointless period 'behind the scenes', doesn't seem to work for us really. Was our mail held for the period we paid for? It doesn't appear so. And that's the thing really, isn't it?

Thanking you sincerly, Colonel Robert Neville.

Ps. Could you kindly recommend another mail monopoly we could use?

Donald Trump has a ridiculous kind of Bush on his mind.

Recent military reaction to Trumps plans for 'defeat at any price' and his hair.

Now a long time ago I thought I liked Donald Trump, but then I only really knew him from his products and a largely fawning media. The media do so love rich and powerful celebrities per se, however mutually incoherent and out of their depth they both often are. Especially when they so often step out of their particular specialties. Yes, I thought I liked Don but now? There are still many things I like about him. But what does he care? He never writes.

Yep, I have noticed that he’s a little more successful than I am. I could accurately sum it up by saying he’s a huge success and I’m not. In fact, I often console myself by going to the bathroom mirror and running my fingers through my full and lush head of hair.

Hey, he can seem to some, a bloated, repulsive and tasteless personality but then you should see me in the morning, plus I'm broke. Nonetheless, here's fifteen truly great and impressive things Trump has done of his own choice.

And yet I find his 'high class style' can appear mostly expensive and loud with all the subtlety of a German jazz band. His wacky ideas of style often look like a 1990's version of the 1980's. All that conspicuous and ostentatious non flair is like being trapped in an eternal Dallas re-run with a vast set budget. You can see the fingerprints of perhaps rather high maintenance women all over his 'taste'.

Now Trump like much of the celebrity elites, has aired a few of the despicably careless opinions of the rich, the product of a lifetime of privilege. Yep, he's a hard-working self-made man who started with a mere 30 million dollars.

Yes, he's come back from massive debt and loss where as I've come back from failure to mediocrity or more failure. This is one of his great skills and talents and the nature of opportunity in high business and especially real estate. I’ve studied some of his books and so on and there’s many an insight to be had there regards real estate, business and political world, the executive work ethic, plain business smarts and his very effective methods and disastrous ones. He seems kind of boyish and naive and entirely sober, though with some rather odd habits, especially the kicking of puppies thing. Oh no, that was me.

How could Trump say such bunk on a national Network regards Iraq, Saddam and so on? How can a Network generally say most of the things they do on a Network? Well, easy. That's him and them and what they think. But often rotten media narratives and opinions of celebrity are in perfect harmony.

It shows we all have our limits and this is so even for a high level real estate developer like the King of Brushover Gardens. But unlike us Plebes, celebrities have free rein on a vast media platform. But what if he's right.

Christ, the hair. It goes very nicely with his haywire opinions I guess. They're a set! Trump doesn’t notice what almost everyone else probably notices first? Of course he does. But where are Carson Kressley and the Fab Five when they are so sorely needed? What went so wrong in the hairdressing department and for so long? Celebrity geo-political pronouncements. Now there's a funny thing.

I did like Doodle and I did dig Don, and still do in more than several ways - despite noting an unappealing blankness. For all his abilities and achievements, if you observe Donald, outside of his specialty, he seems kind of naive and clueless. I mean he's always had real money, or been around it, or could always make it, so he’s been strangely and uniquely sheltered per se. It really is quite a life but not as most of us will ever know it, Jim. As he has said, "I don't read". And it shows.

Donald is a little lacking in subtle taste or an understated sense of style. Can I say that, being just a humble guitar player ‘neath his mighty colossus?

I wouldn’t probably go to Trump for say physical fitness, martial arts training, foreign languages, advanced music lessons, ranching skills, or avoiding high maintenance, demanding women, or to learn witty Noel Coward repartee’, or for any deep historical, religious, cultural and geo-political analysis. So what exactly happened that turned me off a little regards captain fluffy head?

Well, I was digging the happening YouTube scene away from the square Nowheresville of television news, man. They were bringing me down with their corny trip and while on the Net, I espied a Trump interview. The particular and slightly grueling incident of which I speak, gave me an image of Trump as having the light touch of King Croscius plus the humility of a Roman Emperor vomiting on a servant.

'Hey, it’s cool, the next one will be worse and more wild boar!'

Aah, the pulling of the rug from under the cheap magic and illusion show that has been the mainstream media for well, ever since the vomiting Romans actually.

'Emperor Nero, we may have found a way to minimize the public fallout from the burning and fiddling thing. But you’ll have to work with us, ok?'

Well, perhaps no more. The golden hair wave was being interviewed on said Tube regarding Iraq, George Bush and so on, by a parody of a journalist. Sadly, I have been unable to trace the vid, but he's repeated pretty much the same drivel ad nauseum a dozen or more times elsewhere.

'Ok, Donald. You’ve found yourself on another Planet, much like this television network. You’ve found that everyone is as stupid as they are here tonight. You’ve got six months to make Planet Geeby-Fleeby fully bench-marked to outer space best practice and make it the market leader in anal probing. What would you do?'

The actual question put to the military mastermind that is General Douglas MacTrump, was basically What would you do in Iraq? Well, golf is out.

I noted that the format was under the rigorous journalistic standards of  we will agree to agree, with maybe a slight hint that I may get you to qualify even a single you say, but I won’t follow up on it at all. Ok?

El Donablo then answered graciously and humbly, with a sub-Caesar like flourish, that he would just announce victory, and pull out in the physical and military impossibility of ninety days! Brilliant! Oh hail Junior Sun Tzu sans hair. Hey, come on. Maybe he did his research while he was waiting in the Green Room beforehand, while contemplating a plate of Creamo cookies. And maybe I can climb through a Fruit Loop.

So Mister Trump wants credit both ways, eh? The crafty old minx. He cares so, so, so, so much about Iraq and its people, just as many people say they do, do, do do, but don’t at all, not with all the platitudes in the world. But then, what do I care.

"Leave these people to the civil war they are going to have anyway", sayeth the Don. He maintained his comfortable and self-satisfied mega-rich guy posturing while smiling frivolously, resplendent in the golden narcissism of media exposure. Hey, maybe he's right.

He continued that Iraq will get another dictator that will be much worse than Saddam, and all with a cheeky smile from under his hair hood that now rivals the techniques used in the waved roof of Spencer Street Station. Thus Spake the Don, while pretty much inferring in his trademark nuanced way, that a total implosion of chaos for all of Iraq was of course the best outcome and anyway, what does he care? Not at all it seems and that's exactly what he said. Nice.

The giggling and giggle a minute Don, then recommended the thoughtful and fully Trump endorsed fate of absolute apocalyptic nihilism for Iraq and its twenty million people. What a terrible and bankrupt line of non-thought.

Don casually made the insight that he’s "...not saying he’s an angel", meaning Saddam! Yep, I know, I know. You thought he meant John Belushi. Would that be while Saddam was torturing the upside down twelve year old that he later shot?

Don then reckons after 9/11 "...the world loved us!" Really, really loved us! Er, no. Which world? The culturally suicidal Europeans, the venal, stale, static and decadent elites of France? Perhaps he’s referring to the bombed but still uncomprehending intelligentsia of Great Britain? Maybe he means the dysfunctional seventh century theocracies of the Middle East? Maybe the love you could feel was beaming from Pago Pago?

Man, I can get Trump's brand of default position bilge water and useless insightlessness at any student union meeting, plus I get a can of Coke.

Maybe he means the people who rammed the planes into the WTC? Who the hell knows. Too much of what he says outside of real estate and business is too often an awful blizzard of incoherence.

He said of Condoleezza Rice "...she's a very nice lady but doesn’t do much". That's 'nice lady' as an insult. So she doesn't have a real job, just like my Aunt Doris? And maybe he''s right. She doesn't do much.

Trump was wrong about why Tony Blair had to go. Even with Blair's level of naiveté, Tony the toothless tiger just couldn’t seem to accept the whole Western package of denial and cultural suicide per se, including prostrating in a grovelling, automatic apology for anything and everything while at war. Blair never fully recognized the enemy fully as Islam, nor did he state this clearly, harshly and publicly.

Few leaders beyond Czech President Vaclav Klaus have stated that Islam is the problem. Add Islam's strange new bedfellow the left and there you have it. Imagine if when Pearl Harbor was bombed, FDR, Churchill and the rest of the Allied leaders said that it’s not The Code of Bushido, Shintoism and Emperor worship we are fighting, nor are they the problem. It’s those nasty militarists that have misinterpreted it all so wrongly and then cleverly used these things for their own dastardly ends. The cads! It’s the Religion of Peace after all, or else. But I digress boringly.

Donald seemed enamored with the idea of consensus. Why? Consensus is no guarantee of correct action. This apparently didn’t include in Trump's mind, the ultimate form of consensus of an election, involving twelve million Iraqi people, voting under fire for the current Iraqi Govt, with a Constitution and a Bill of Rights. However flawed, this means nothing? Maybe it does. It's kind of well, Sharia based.

To many in the West, important things do indeed mean nothing. And maybe that’s why our own right to free speech and our freedoms are under fire and then to be gone in the blink of a myopic eye. It's maybe a sick thing to glibly deny freedom for others because it's not up to standard, while you take your own freedom entirely for granted.

Islamism is here and more real than Global Warming which replaces the Global Cooling of the 1970’s. Remember how Governments just wouldn’t take cooling of the planet seriously, even when lectured to by a full dozen box of pseudo egg heads?

The big fans of plastic explosive, improvised devices and the insane followers of Mo, don't really need to hide at all when people are so wilfully blind, and well, they don’t bother hiding, do they? They state everything as plainly as Hitler reading his favorite passages from Mein Kampf and then acting accordingly.

A crazy coincidence, but Mein Kampf, one of the worlds top ten most boring and disgusting books’, means "my struggle" and ‘Jihad’ also means "my struggle" too and is apparently the most popular book after the Koran, in the Mid East. I think they may both have a connection with anti-Semitism, if I recall correctly.

Global jihad doesn’t need or care how many PC pronouncements are made that it doesn’t exist. Islam will keep on coming until stopped decisively or it's victorious. Maybe move 20,000 shares onto Jihad Corp for future growth potential.

Donald said virtually "nobody" supports the war. Maybe not, but er, no. Though people will get pretty hip to the consequences of defeat when it happens. It may take a little while to adjust to being asymmetrical warfare losers. Time is the fire in which we burn, and we are, my furry pals and jungle friends, burning. Of course, some of us are on fire more than others. Islam certainly is.

I guess the folks who make up the 2000 serving veterans who signed a letter in 2006 supporting their own efforts in Iraq just don’t count, cos' they’re nobodies. The "highest of prices" actions of military men and women get cancelled out by a bulky billionaires reckless talk. But then the front line troops have mostly zero publicity especially in fully featured or starring roles. Now Donald apparently puts them up at one of his places once a month but he then seems to infer they are are tragic or regretful.

What about getting a hundred of those serving military personnel on a TV interview when they're next on leave? It won’t happen. Ever. What will happen when the troops leave?

Donald was so upset that there is " much hatred now". Well, maybe a little hatred for the monstrously destructive and suicidal myths of the left and Islam is normal and healthy. Ironically, it's the left and Islam that hate.

With so many powerful and influential fools tootling away, the chances of halting the West’s death spiral can seem kind of slim, and that’s before the local rep for Jihad Inc either knocks at, or blows open your door. No, really, you’re gonna love it! It’s been a riot so far and it’s only been 1400 years. And yet, maybe he will change his position. Who knows? We all can. Sadly, I struggle to change my socks or improve at all.

I was finally tested watching Donald and as the clip ended, I stepped daintily to the side, avoiding the streams of vomit and set fire to Rome while I then fiddled on my guitar.

The rocket launcher wasn’t mine. I just wanted Osama to autograph it for a ‘friend’.

A neighbour of David Hicks, observing the Hicks cell relaxing at the family home, the night of the get together to wish Dave 'Welcome home son!'

"Gee, thanks, mate. Could you just write ‘To Dav...sorry, to ‘Wozza’, my favourite apprentice killer and junior sleeper cell member, the Big O. Lots of hugs and kisses! PS. Keep up the cheering and remember, a day not making a bomb or beheading a kidnapped civilian is a day wasted. Love Dave".

One of the worlds few fully trained Bogan Terrorists, the dumb, venal phoney and liar David Hicks, is apparently a victim, your hero and worthy of massed resources for his what, Sainthood? I guess now that Mother Theresa and Mandela’s positions are vacant....Nurse! The sheets!

All along, Dave was apparently just a foolish and ‘likely young lad’. He was merely like a schoolgirl in love. All in a dizzy tizz with an endearing crush on the zany antics of the horrible in every way, yours truly in a cave somewhere, the ‘Very Unlikely Laden’.

"He loves me, he loves me not. A toodle toot".

The 'Hickster’ was training for extreme and brutal acts for use against almost everybody and I wonder, yes I do, how exactly that training was conducted and with the use of what equipment? Don’t terrorist groups sometimes like to train with live prisoners in a kind of dry-run, unless of course the blood starts spraying everywhere? Is any of this, I dunno, of any serious ah, consideration? Nah, guess not. How zany and madcap!

And in his letters, the allegedly happy little master plan was merely to bring down Western Civilisation. Uh right, ok, and after lunch?

"Well, contestant number one plans to make a lot of money! What a swell, why you’re the cat’s pyjamas!"

'Hicksy' or 'Mohammed Dawood', or more of a 'Dagwood' really, has been detained for four wasted years of his recently rather pointless life and along with other prisoners, was possibly mistreated, and mostly not mistreated at all. It is though, a little hard to see Mr Hicks and the Muslim Brotherhood as reliable sources if you know what I mean.

Yeah, Hicks was apparently so badly treated, he put on 20 kilos! Riiight.

All this while receiving more benefits and concessions than such men perhaps deserve. Gosh, even receiving better room service than Al Qaeda provide to their prisoners!

"Hello, Room Service? Could you send me up a head? I seem to have lost mine. Thanks".

So far, over twenty formerly released G-Bay prisoners have turned up in later fighting. I guess fighting for those principles, eh?

Since their check out times, none have released a star rating for Guantanamo. Try getting back from anywhere else in much of the world if you allegedly do something that’s a teensy weensy bit naughty, like training to murder lots of people.

Personally I wouldn’t trust a strange beast like a military organisation to get a lot of things right at all, especially in the art of niceness, but they do of course. Though perhaps a lot more than the average Mission statement does at an Islamic Militant camp.

"Our Mission, just kill, kill, kill then laugh and love again".

It’s entirely correct to focus on the wrongful detaining of the innocent, and even for the worst of these prisoners, deliberate and violent bullying, assault and the taking advantage of these detainees is a violation of a position of extreme responsibility and a serious crime.

This is your case and it doesn’t require making the gross and absurd lie that Guantanamo is virtually the set piece for evil prisons in the world. I’m glad I don’t have the job. ‘Steely jawed Marines wanted for Maitre d’ and restraint duties at the charming but hostile, ‘Guantanamo by the Bay’. This position can involve sudden attack at any time and endless abuse by fanatical guests. Uniform supplied’.

Even military critics should admit that the army usually takes very seriously an adherence to rules. Re, the smooth running of said beasty. The military and authorities are dealing with a serious foe that clearly and repeatedly speaks of how for Islamist’s, Western law and due process are easily used tactical advantages.

Guantanamo Bay is the only ‘Hell on Earth’ that has regular Dental and Medical appointments, an extensive menu including Halal, vegetarian, Italian and Chinese and where bookings are not essential, but I hear there’s a bit of a rush for the Chef’s special after Ramadan.

There are clean sheets and clothing daily, courtesy of the ‘Yankee Imperialist Infidel Laundry and Temporary Mosque Catering Service. We cater for any anti-Western rants and even group beheadings. All cutlery is supplied’.

‘The G’ has fully functioning plumbing, air conditioning, reading material, regular visits from Imams and a ready supply of Korans wrapped in a plastic cover, then handed to Muslims by gloved guards so that the ‘Holy Book of the Religion of Peace or Else’, is unsoiled by the hands of the filthy all volunteer Infidels. I kid you not.

The support for ‘David the Hick’ is unfortunately often so deluded, bankrupt, misplaced and perverse that it doesn’t seem to exist on any serious level of thought and responsibility at all, at least not in this dimension. Allegedly there is country wide and mass support? Whether it’s two thousand plus protesters or two million, so what? Is it a good thing that any policy should follow this line?

"Davo' for Minister of Understanding, Peace and Love, Now!"

‘The Hickey’s’ supporters, or ‘The Rockettes Launcher Chorus Line’, often come over like the fund raisers of a fluffy minded cake stand for the non-innocent protégé’ of mass murdering arsonists, bomb makers, bogus charity thieves, rapists and head slicers. If this is Liberalism today, are the crazy pills that come with it available on Medicare?

Oh, that’s right, he didn’t do anything. He just trained for it! That’s alright then. Just dandy. What a laugh. What a prankster! When is ‘Herr Hicks’ next available to visit my son’s kindergarten? The kids would love it. ‘

"Ok children, this is called ‘plas-tic ex-plo-sive’ and this is a ‘but-chers knife’. Now all repeat after me, Allah Akbar! Excellent".

You don’t know how many seaside and holiday snaps I have of my Mother holding a machine gun, a flame thrower and other ordinance.

"Look! There’s one of Aunty Doris with a Glock pistol. Hmm. I don’t think I got the light right in that one. Too much exposure".

My wife and entire family are all Japanese. In Japan, if there was a similar perhaps unlikely situation there, the first and automatic reaction would be apology, shame, embarrassment and all at once, mixed with an acute urge to hide away and avoid any media spotlight at all. Not here, eh?

Instead we have the creepy, sad spectacle of Dave’s not too bright, tragic, miserable and drear old Dad, carrying on the family’s tradition of deep, perceptive analysis by endlessly parading around the world as a Leftist show pony. All the while being supported by various phoneys’ wearing their handy fancy dress of moral vanity presented as moral outrage.

Gee, I wonder where Dave got his sense of decency, responsibility and his sharp sense of right and wrong from exactly? Not from me, that’s for sure. I did though, have the strength of character to pass up that Adult Education short course on, ‘Improvised Explosive Devises in Urban Areas’.

The last time I saw ‘The Great Escape’ and ‘Stalag 17’, I seem to remember that under the Geneva Convention, you are only required to supply your name, rank and serial number. What were Davo’s again? When did he enlist? What rank did he obtain again? Head Cutter, First Class? And at what point was he going to reject this freely adopted and monstrous freak ideology?

Perhaps he was planning to after cheering at the 9/11 collapse? Nope, seems only when he was intercepted on his merry and irresponsible lark through radicalism.

"Gee, almost 3000 people of all ages, nationalities and religions murdered. Maybe that’s a little wrong, a bit out there. Hmm? No, guess not. Hooray for Al Qaeda then!"

This is part of why Islamo-Fascism Inc, it’s affiliates, franchisees and useful idiots in the developed world, can laugh at the flaccid, confused and complicated Western non-response, because the Boys and Girls of Islam, unlike us, are a little more determined and clear minded in who they are, what they believe in and what their ultimate goals are.

The West and those who get media time and the majority of the opportunities of influence appear not to be aware of their own potential for cultural suicide. We are mostly not curious about and are unaware of, unfocussed on and so very not serious about our own survival. It’s all a big recent joke and apparently without a nightmarish 1300 year history that you don’t need to research or bother about in the slightest.

Perhaps some of the reasons why the Americans and the West in general have handled this and more, perhaps so very badly and stupidly, are that the military is often a rather narrow, rigid and slow witted creature.

Sadly, sometimes the Government and the public are too, but then our Government unlike private citizens, must always conduct their responsibilities within global realities, the ones that are not always so kind. After decades of blind ignorance and denial, some Governments are belatedly and kind of ineptly responding to an ancient world Jihad and the reality of Islamism. Perhaps the American freak-out response is connected in no small way to the general non-registering of Western society to such a unique and historical imperative.

And what a drag it is that our very real enemy just won’t play by the rules. The cads!

Now in regards to whether ‘The Wonderful Mr Hicks’ should have been charged and then brought to trial much sooner, of course! And that’s your case and perhaps really the only one. But are we serious about how difficult this asymmetrical war without borders is to deal with? To put it in a laughably mild way, it’s perhaps a threat unlike any faced before.

Consider the limits of our bloated, lumpy Governments and societies and that the military is to justice, due process, logic and competent outcomes, as the disingenuous duo of Hicks and his seemingly shameless Father are to the great musical song writing teams of Broadway.

"My boy Dave! I don't give a hang what he does, as long as he does what he likes!"

The protesters et al; reflect rather curiously more than a little of the authorities’ often incompetence and our general malaise in seeing almost anything clearly. I find this mass myopia just a little like the ‘Tulip Mania’ of the 1600’s, but with dumb slogans and platitudes on placards plus bad documentaries.

"My illusions and myths are of real value and I’m willing to pay any price for them!"

Gentle reader, deep down or even shallow down, you know that most of the bad, sad and mediocre things said about ‘Hicksy Baby’ are probably true, and that some of the claims made in support of him and the outrageous motives attributed to the tormenters of ‘David The Martyr’, are easily researched and revealed junk. Being often politically and ideologically motivated and supported, maybe it’s all just a teensy bit unreliable? If you don’t agree, maybe you can just keep away from my children.

So there are no other worthy causes that involve innocents incarcerated in real ‘Hell Holes’ in the world? Try the Evin Prison in Iran, or the Towhid, Prison 59, Gohardasht or Prison 209. This is where the real policy is real torture and death of the burning, flaying, gang rape, flaying, breaking, ripping fingernails out, whipping with electric cables, hanging, strangling, and plucking of eyes, beheading or shooting, then dumping in the street of the resulting bodies’ kind.

This can involve male and females from infants to children, teenagers and the very old. There are hundreds of places like this around the world from Syria, to Saudi Arabia, Zimbabwe, the Congo and many other wonderful parts of Africa, North Korea, South East Asia, Pakistan etc, etc, etc. Apparently though, none are worthy enough to get the attention and avert the gaze of many from the brilliant white light, emanating from the ascendance of the ‘Cause of Saint Hicks’.

In much of the world where there is real and serious oppression, the authorities there can rest assured that there will be little chance of any deliverance for their citizens by the fatuous, vocal masses of the fashionable and morally vain West, resplendent in their stupor and nullity.

The taking on of worthwhile causes by faux rebels would be unlike a phoney fight with the flaccid, wooden and easily outmanoeuvred Governments of the West. This is especially so in the often context and depth free arena of the media, public opinion and one trick protest groups. It would require instead self reflection and actual risk.

Perhaps try standing on the steps of Tehran General Post Office with a few placards. Now that would show absolute sincerity and really would be brave and courageous.

Man finds ant in garden.

Hampton fruiterer, Mr Dringle Tweedy.

A surprise discovery alarms fruiterer.

A Hampton man expressed concern yesterday at finding a single ant in his suburban backyard. "I've never noticed one before" said Dringle Tweedy, a fifty-five year old fruiterer from Squint Street. Mr Tweedy had earlier called police claiming that there was a, "huge black animal" in his yard and that it was aggressively "staring and waving about".

A man identified as Mr Tweedy directed police to a Hampton address at around 3 PM Thursday. The ant concerned was rapidly subdued by a local foot patrol.

Constable Tony Thick of the Hampton police said that "This was an isolated incident and that there was no cause for alarm, even though we have had other members of the public finding things in gardens such as the caterpillar, or your common newt”. Mr Tweedy said that he would have noticed any previous ant presence as he spends "a lot of time in the dirt. I always have, even as a child”.

Though it is not clear at this stage whether any neighbouring homes have also experienced any ant activity, a Miss Joan Drabb, a woman who had initially agreed to comment, said that she was unaware of any problem and stated that "I don't want to know about any bleeding ants. I don't want to get involved wiv 'em”, and that she was “not a feminist”.

She later added that "People should not have to live under these conditions, with ants staring at them all afternoon and what was the government doing about it?"

A senior government spokesman from the Department of Ticks Gnats and Fleas, admitted that there was no formal plan for dealing with an unexpected ant arrival. "Though we are looking into it closely and will address the issue in full, at the appropriate point in time” adding that, "It was more than the opposition had done while in power”.

“One needs only a cursive look at their appallingly, short sighted and negative policies on the bedbug or indeed the gecko, to see that we have been left with the hard work of cleaning up the mess of their incompetence. This unpleasant ant business may be only the tip of the iceberg”, he said.

Friday, 8 June 2007

A Case of Bipedia for a 'Miss Cromwell'.

The Dr Eddie Swine Clinic and taxi stand.

Dear Miss Cromwell: Following your visit to my clinic and pastry wholesaler, I must inform you that you may have a form of what we call ‘Bipedia’, or feet. While this may cause alarm, this is not such a rare condition as one might think. Let me assure you that you will walk again.

One complication that can arise is that of ‘Bengali Extensions’, or toes. Usually these form into groups of five, though in your case it may be more. Don’t be concerned if at some point, you find you can bend your ‘legs’ in the middle. This will generally clear in time, unless it develops into ‘Knee’, then you may have knees for life.

Yours warmly, Dr Eddy Swine. Flat 12 Calcutta. (Ask for Madge)

PS. Please do not hesitate to send me a briefcase full of cash.

Labourer discovers economic cause and effect.

Jimmy McOates, labourer and economist relaxing at home.

"It's a miracle!" say world leaders.

A statement presented earlier today at a hastily convened press conference by a gardener, is being hailed as possibly the greatest breakthrough in improving the standard of living for the worlds poor since the Industrial Revolution or cannibalism. A man, who until recently had been working as a labourer, claimed that he had found the actual and surprisingly single cause of world poverty.

Jimmy McOates of South Node said that it came to him while he was watching the Academy Awards.

"I had been spreading some gravel. I had just come home and had begun to watch the television. I noticed that all these so called stars were wearing expensive jewellery and quick as a flash, I put two and two together", he said in his incredibly thick accent while adding that "I'm not a racist, and wouldn't even know how to spell bigot.

How can they wear expensive jewellery while there are people starving in Africa?” said McOates with a concerned upturn of the eyebrow. "Well, once I'd said it, I realised that it was pure gold and I had to get it out to the world".

And of course, the impact of this profound revelation has been felt around the world as politicians, scientists, business people and many others, have reacted with a mixture of shock, surprise and relief that one of the great puzzles and misconceptions of the century has finally been exposed.

African Leader and Philanthropist President Robert Zimbabwe, said that it's "A complete turn-up for the books. All this time, foreign conspirators that I cannot name for security reasons, have spread lies that our problems were caused by murderous, incompetent, corrupt, oppressive, undemocratic and non-civil governments with even crazier economic systems, which shows how wrong you can be".

He was speaking at the launch of his governments Fifteenth Economic Conference on the Implementation of a Straw Based Economy, held at Club Med.

"I knew all along that it was something like this, but I couldn't put my finger on it. Of course we don't need any Western mumbo jumbo interfering in our country. We have our own. I know what my people want, as I have told them on many occasions" he said.

Part of President Zimbabwe's New Economy, has included providing shoes only to his supporters. A country that had once been the world's biggest exporter of two tones, now has an almost entirely shoeless populace, leaving only one rapidly depleting domestic footwear source. From the forced takeover of the Hawaiian owned Arthur Lyman Dance Academies.

These schools are a legacy of Robert Zimbabwe's failed Non-Stop Disco Dancing to Wealth, economic experiment of the mid-eighties. He has been aided by a disgruntled group of former dance students, who according to a school spokesman, "Couldn't actually dance at all and had no interest in it, but just came to jealously eye the other students coveted Florsheims".

Jimmy McOates said that now he had discovered his financial "wonder formula", he felt that it could be applied endlessly. Speaking at a packed conference attended by Government leaders, various dignitaries and pop musicians from across the world, he enthralled his audience when he showed how simply by never wasting money on new underwear, he could increase the GDP of New Guinea by 50%.

Mr McOates said in a final statement, "I believe that if I wear track pants all the time, even formally, in fact, especially formally, I feel I can reduce the foreign debt of Belize or Macaroon". He added that the wonderful thing was he would not have to modify his lifestyle. In fact, it would most likely enhance it.

Curiously, when asked by a single reporter if according to his incredible new theory, it follows that Africans buying expensive jewellery would have a negative effect on any other economy, or upon their own, there was some hesitation. When queried on how much of his own money he was currently sending to Africa Warlords that would otherwise be wasted on living, Mr McOates looked puzzled. Oates suddenly announced that he was feeling quite ill and that he had to go to the bathroom.

So far, he has not returned.

Dear Fred, please send one Fred.

One Michael Jackson on display stand.

Dear Fred:

Please send one Fred and a Ready Rubbed Johnny Mathis as I just smoked my last one. Also find enclosed the Full Sized Michael Moore. I’m returning it as I don’t have the storage space, having only a single car garage. I have sent 673 margarine containers as required for the Michael Jackson Special Offer, Still in Box.

I need the new price lists for the Instant Kevin Spacey, the New Improved Hillary Clinton and the Easy to Assemble Jackie Kennedy. Please forward the Pack of 3 Harvey Keitels and the Pocket Sized David Letterman, one Matt Damon Kit, an Inflatable Pavarotti and a Reinforced Marlon Brando.

Yours simplistically:
Larry Homes 12 Tuba Place
Tiny Tokyo Town.

PS. Please send the Cardboard George Clooney immediately.

The Width of a Circle

Taylor slipped back exhausted into the cane chair and tilted his face to feel the cool of the dusk as it began to fall upon the great open grasslands. Then with a distant and wistful air, he positioned himself towards the guest, ready to speak.

"You should know that no one I can recall knew of him personally. He could have run guns, though I'm not sure. There were supposedly wives of a sort on several Pacific islands, and people I have met entirely by coincidence, have said that he never really existed at all. Just as an idea, a kind of yearning. An emptiness". This was relayed with a strange and suppressed intensity that mirrored the still potent heat of the day, now slowly vanishing.

It seemed to the guest that nearly everything Taylor said, was couched in a curiously off handed and casual manner that caught and irritated the mind.

"I don't understand" he said bemused. "How can a man who didn't exist, have such an impact, leave such an impression? It's absurd!" he said in an exasperated tone. "Yes", Taylor began slowly, "How many that do exist, can say they have done anything of consequence at the end of their lives? Certainly I can’t. That is, I often have a feeling that I..."

"Well, it's all highly irregular, and if you don't mind me saying so, it's preposterous!" said the guest, raising his voice even more. "No, I don't mind at all. My position is neutral, you see" said Taylor, in a tone that drifted off like the last of the evening light.

The snow leopard twitched with energy as she surveyed the orange plain below. The heat from her sweat slicked body rose into the air like fine curves of smoke. Her tensile form rippling with sinews sprung like sabres and her heart primed with a powerful beat. The distant thin clouds drifted high across the sky of intense blue. In a haze at the horizon, it met the moving and liquid grass that was filled with the buzz of an insect kingdom.

With its many kilometres of baseline sitting in the indistinct shimmer like a vast and obese Buddha, its peaks so above and removed from the concerns of animal repose and fury, was the mountain. Everything changes it seems, except for its great and dominant presence.

So tell me a little about yourself?

Preparation is the key to any successful job interview.

Did I tell you that I went to a job interview wearing only my mother's underwear and they said no? The Manager had fifteen employees speared to the wall as an incentive for workers to kill themselves. They asked for my experience and I replied that I have no experience in chemical engineering, but I have known chocolate addicted Carmelite Nuns with their terrible habits.

It's a strange fact that due to the rather coarse material they use, these habits are so terrible that they must be fed, satiated and abated with vast amounts of fabric softener.

If they are not, they will attach themselves permanently to the bodies of the nuns, forcing the poor women to prostrate themselves before an image of the Messiah, pleading to have all their clothes ripped off.

He said you're not really what we're looking for, and I answered quick as a flash, either are you, but I try to keep an open mind.

Why D-Day And The American Led Invasion of Europe In 1944 Was Wrong.

Respected Conspiracy Theorist Gnome Chumpsky lectures in Paranoia Studies at the California College of Conspiracy Theory.

Respected Conspiracy Theorist Gnome Chumpsky lectures in Paranoia Studies at the California College of Conspiracy Theory.

From our Correspondent in Berlin Harry Limey for December 1946.

The American and British led invasion or so called ‘liberation’ of Europe, has resulted in the deaths of hundreds of thousands of people and an enormous destruction of buildings and infrastructure, while leading to a giant fiscal blowout and debt that may destabilise and weaken American and Western economies for decades, maybe even into the 1960’s, according to leading Republicans and anti-war activists.

This unprecedented criticism includes that of high profile activist and conspiracist Gnome Chumpsky, whose bestselling book, “The Pearl Harbor Lie: How FDR and the New Dealer-Cons Faked The Japanese Attack On Hawaii That Never Happened”. In 1935, Gnome Chumpsky was a founding member of the 'California College of Conspiracy Theory' and is today one of its leading academics. Chumpsky is also one of only two campus lecturers to have received an honorary Iron Cross.

“My initial aim for the College was to bring discipline, serious scholarship and formal accreditation to the many, many leading academics, politicians, activists and celebrities as well as the millions of lay people working in the conspiracy field today”, said Chumpsky.

“This whole war was based on lies. I myself was expecting the alleged 'surprise' attack on Pearl Harbour at any moment, even as early as 1926. There was never any evidence that Hitler was trying to develop nuclear technology for anything but peaceful and domestic use, or that he ever possessed and even wanted any so called ‘Super Weapons' of any kind. Hitler may have been an unsavory person, but before this illegal and immoral war, Nazi Germany was a very disciplined, well organised and fully functioning country and now look at it”, stated Chumpsky.

“Who are we to impose our so called ideas of democracy on the German people? The President engineered the alleged 'attack' on Pearl Harbor, simply as an excuse to stop Imperial Japan from getting control of shipping routes that are used to transport oil from the Middle-East to American Corporations. It was always about oil and FDR’s pals”, Gnome said.

“We know that much pressure has come from the ‘Israel Now’ lobby with their unfounded and extreme talk of death camps and such. There is no definitive evidence for this. We just didn’t keep up the diplomatic talks with Nazi Germany, militarist Imperial Japan or fascist Italy for nearly long enough", continued Mr Chumpsky. "Instead we let Roosevelt, who is the most incompetent and stupid President in our history and who can’t even walk properly, get us into this disaster. This was supported by the simplistic talk of victory or defeat by Churchill. To FDR's insane claim that we are defending our alleged 'democracy', we can add Australia's lapdog to Roosevelt, Curtin.

Chumpsky also stated that, "There was never any evidence that Japan was in any way connected to or supportive of surprise aerial attacks. l'd like to see the proof that Japan was ever harboring any so called 'Kamikaze' pilots. So many bigots and racists especially in the media and this awful administration, automatically equate militarism, Emperor worship, Bushido and Shintoism with violence and some kind of conformity. Of course some people may have twisted the Code of Bushido and its message of peace to their own ends, but they are not real Japanese, no matter how much they may look like it.

The vast majority of Japanese wanted nothing more than a life of quiet flower arranging. This government also rather successfully painted all Nazis as monsters when most are clearly no different to you and I. SS men should be just as free as anyone else to choose their own particular lifestyle. Isn’t this what tolerance and diversity are all about?” asked Chumpsky.

He continued: “It was clear how outrageously FDR’s administration is filled with the extremists of the religious-right when he spoke on the eve of the invasion for over six hours to the troops and the nation in a speech couched in references to, and with a central unwavering belief in ‘God Almighty’, Christianity and Nation! It was sickening. Then there was the added and stupendous gaff when the Supreme Commander of Allied forces in Europe, Dwight D. Eisenhower called this invasion “a great Crusade”. Imagine how this inflamed the Nazi and Axis Street? I was ashamed to be called an American” claimed Chumpsky.

Only weeks before the invasion of Nazi occupied France, anti-war activists had gone to Paris, where many wearing ‘Not in my name t-shirts!’ tied themselves to the Eiffel Tower and other landmarks while chanting, “Roosevelt! War criminal and Jew-killer!” 

Mr Chumpsky said “The people of Germany did not invite us there and now Berlin is a bombed out wasteland full of criminals where even Allied troops find it an extremely risky area to move in at all. German society has collapsed and there is little water, almost no electricity, the roads are often impassable and the daily needs of food and shelter are barely available. Was this the great plan? This was a criminal invasion on sovereign German states. No so called ‘liberation’ of Europe is worth such a heavy price. War is never the answer and doesn’t solve anything”.

Republican Senator Mr Filo Fax of California said that “The whole war from beginning to end has been played by ear, with endless failures and disasters. Just look at the fiasco that was the raid on Dieppe! We expected the war to be over by Christmas and it dragged on for almost four years. Now that hostilities have allegedly ended, there is no Master Plan that I am aware of for marshaling the resources needed for the reconstruction of Europe.

The Nazi Resistance such as the Werewolves, who some so easily label as ‘terrorists’, still continue to cause enormous damage to the reputation and legitimacy of America in the world by their continued but understandable violence. The Allies are seen as occupiers which limit severely any chance of gaining the hearts and minds of the German people. Where are all these so-called super-race Nazis, the alleged stolen gold bullion, diamonds, cash and art treasures that the Government spoke so much about? Where are the weapons of mass destruction?

The Governments claims that all these Nazis simply disappeared and their money somehow got into Swiss banks, or that all these fugitives are now simply hiding in comfort and under protection in foreign countries such as South America, are clearly lies and quite frankly ridiculous. These are on the same level as the fabrications about so called ‘secret Soviet designs’ on post-war Eastern Europe and are all merely a diversion from the real issues”.

In a final statement the Senator stated that, “Myself and other concerned Senators are now calling for the impeachment of the incompetent warmonger Roosevelt, even though he's been dead for almost a year”.

The Koo Wee Rup Knitting Circle

A recent meeting showing just one of the popular activities available at the KWRKC.

Dear Miss Sprunb:

Thankyou for your enquiry regarding membership in the Koo Wee Rup Knitting Circle and the various activities we have available.

Unfortunately, we must inform you that you may have confused the art of traditional English Morris Dancing, with your hopes of engaging in as you stated quite clearly in your recent letter, Chuck Norris Dancing. Mr Norris, while I’m sure a fine village dancer in his own right, has not up to this point in time availed himself to perform at our organization.

I have also spoken to our Secretary Mr Bernard Sgreebly regards your further enquiry. He has assured me that after a very extensive and thorough investigation of our records, that we have never held nor plan to in the foreseeable future, either the traditional or the more New Age styles of Rice Pudding Invocations, as it is a policy of the KWRKC to support neither the occult nor macramé.

Please fill out the accompanying Membership Form provided, written on the side of an Idaho potato for your convenience.

Yours sincerely: Madge Williams, President KWRKC.

Plasticine Dinosaur Construction Delayed by Several Weeks

Voting at a recent Board of Directors meeting.

The problem plagued and completely hand crafted project to build Boobles, the marshmallow eating “T-Wex”, has been pushed forward another two weeks by Project Manager Jack Brown aged four and a half. In a tearful press conference earlier today, Jack stated that he had trouble making the arms and teeth properly. “I can’t do it! I can’t! I just want to go to sleep!” he said. Mr Brown surprised the assembled press when he asked for a piece of a chocolate bar being consumed by a photographer and stated that, “I never have any chocolate at home. Ever!”

The projects original budget has blown out by almost 300%, or roughly two more packets of modelling dough. This was due to a late decision to add some “fried purple eggs, bacon and a happy dancing cat” to the design by the Board of Directors, made up chiefly of Jack Brown, two headless action figures, Mrs Fuzzyball and a party hat.

Critics of the ill-fated project have commented on Jack's relative lack of experience at making recognizable figures with clear limbs or features. Most of his previous projects have involved either amorphous lumps, vaguely human shapes or something that may or may not be a “fast car". Though the same critics have admitted that there was a nice cup and saucer which was finished earlier this year and though lacking a handle, it was displayed on the top of the fridge for several days. That was until it fell onto the linoleum where it was completely flattened by a Mr 'Peter Brown.'

A supporter of the current project, a 'Mrs Brown', who wished to remain anonymous, confided that some of the problems associated with the building of ‘Boobles’ can be blamed on other distracting ongoing responsibilities such as TV watching, citrus fruit or chocolate milk. Mrs Brown stated that another major cause of delay, is that half-way through making a big eye ball or a funny nose, “Jack just loses interest, especially when it’s sunny. He’ll very easily drop everything and instead go out into the garden and sit up in a tree, saying random vowels such as 'ee, ooh, aah and oh”.

Brown still hopes to unveil the finally finished “T-Wex” on schedule, either at Show and Tell or on the lounge room bookcase. A new still secret project is rumored to involve space travel and the cutting edge use of cardboard, string and tinfoil.

Thursday, 7 June 2007

Press the doorbell and I’ll be straight down

George Clooney's brother, Hyram Cleach, has worked hard at totally avoiding success by remaining a consistently unpublished 'writer' and playing in anonymous 'bands'.

Dear sports, if you are perusing this at around 7PM, you'll find that l'm always dressed for dinner. Ok..., so this photo was taken at 5pm. I can see that. Yes, I'll change. I mean, I'd dress better than this. Are you always so, er,picky? Jesus Christ! Ya worse than my wife. Anyway, you're my guest, and imagine if you will, that we are seated with other charming, stylish and witty guests at a vast, though intimate, digital dinner party.

The music is very cool, the lights are warm and low, welcoming us all in a beautiful electric glow. The food is good, the wine is ample and everything has worked towards this very moment, this place and to recognising your importance and value. Hey, look, if you don’t like it, you can eat take away in the damn car, fella!

My name's not Colonel Robert Neville or Madge Williams for that matter, but then neither is yours. My wife is Japanese and I have a small son. How small, we'll never know. We are ex restaurant owners, as ex as ex can be, and that’s pretty ex, let me tell you. I’m trying to study business, finance and investment etc. I’m an alleged writer, chef, actor and musician, he said laughably, which are all doubtful career choices. In fact they're definately doubtful career choices. You should never doubt this.

Yep, we all know what it takes to be a memorable guest and for all the right reasons, so now it’s over to you. Well, actually that's not true. Man, I've been to some terrible dinner parties, with more bubbling tension than if they held the Nuremberg Trials on the edge of a volcano. Well, you've ruined everything now. The whole moods gone. I hope ya satisfied.

Sincerely yours, Colonel Robert Neville.