Friday, 28 October 2011
Jimmy McOates, unemployed labourer and economist relaxing at home.
'It's a miracle!' say world leaders.
A statement presented today at a hastily convened press conference by an unemployed 'gardener', is being hailed as possibly the greatest breakthrough in improving the standard of living for the worlds poor since the Industrial Revolution or cannibalism. A man, who until recently had been working as a labourer, claimed that he had found the actual and surprisingly single cause of world poverty.
Jimmy McOates of South Node stated that it came to him while he was watching the Academy Awards. "I had been spreading some gravel. I had just come home and had begun to watch the television. I noticed that all these so called stars were wearing expensive jewellery and quick as a flash, I put two and two together", he said in his incredibly thick accent while adding that, "I'm not a racist, and wouldn't even know how to spell bigot. How can they wear expensive jewellery while there are people starving in Africa?” said McOates, with a concerned upturn of the eyebrow. "Well, once I'd said it, I realised that it was pure gold and I had to get it out to the world".
And of course the impact of this profound revelation has been felt around the globe as politicians, academics, scientists, business people and celebrities have reacted with a mixture of shock, surprise and relief that one of the great puzzles and misconceptions of the century has finally been exposed.
African President and philanphropist Robert Zimbabwe, said that "It's a complete turn-up for the books. All this time foreign conspirators that I cannot name for security reasons, have spread lies that our problems were caused by murderous, incompetent, corrupt, oppressive, undemocratic and non-civil mob supported mobster governments with even crazier economic systems, which shows how wrong you can be".
He was speaking at the launch of his governments 'Fifteenth Economic Conference on the Implementation of a Straw Based Economy' held at Club Med.
"I knew all along that it was something like this, but I couldn't put my finger on it. Of course we don't need any Western mumbo jumbo interfering in our country. We have our own. I know what my people want as I have told them on many occasions", he said.
Part of President Zimbabwe's 'New Economy' has included providing shoes only to his supporters. A country that had once been the world's biggest exporter of two-tones, now has an almost entirely shoeless populace, leaving only one rapidly depleting domestic footwear source. It comes from the forced takeover of the usually Hawaiian owned, 'Arthur Lyman Dance Academies'.
These schools are a legacy of Robert Zimbabwe's failed 'Non-Stop Disco Dancing to Wealth' economic experiment of the mid-eighties. He has been aided by a disgruntled group of former dance students and freelance gang rapists who, according to a school spokesman, "Couldn't actually dance at all and had no interest in it but just came to jealously eye the other students coveted Florsheims".
Jimmy McOates said that now he had discovered his financial 'wonder formula', he felt that it could be applied endlessly. Speaking at a packed conference attended by Government leaders, various dignitaries and pop musicians from across the world, he enthralled his audience when he showed how simply by never wasting money on new underwear he could increase the GDP of New Guinea by 50%.
Mr McOates said in a final statement that "I believe if I wear track pants all the time even formally, in fact especially formally, I feel I can reduce the foreign debt of Belize or Macaroon". He added that the wonderful thing was he would not have to modify his lifestyle. In fact, it would most likely enhance it.
Curiously, when asked by the news conference cleaner if according to his incredible new theory it follows that Africans buying expensive jewellery would have a negative effect on any other economy, or upon their own, there was some hesitation.
When queried on how much of his own money he was currently sending to African cannibal king warlord's that would otherwise be wasted on living, Mr McOates looked puzzled. Jimmy then suddenly announced that he was feeling quite ill and that he had to go to the bathroom.
So far, he has not returned.
Tuesday, 4 October 2011
Bill Clinton has always seen things differently to normal people. Getting up always means going down and going down is always coming up.
The Clinton's. [The Flintstones]
Clinton's. Meet the Clinton's.
They're the modern stoned age family.
From the, town of Bedhop,
They're a page right out of perjury.
Clinton's. Saudi money.
They're the venal liberal family.
From cash, of George Soros,
They're a page right out of Alinsky.
Let's ride with the Democrats raking dough.
Through the courtesy of Bill’s big blow.
Clinton's. Bankrupt Russia.
They're the crim two-faced family.
Stole cash, from tax payers,
They're a page right out of larceny.
Let's ride with a Democrat rapin' Jane Doe's.
Through the crimes of George Soros.
Unions and Gambino family.
Marxists, mob thug leftists,
It's treason right out of Gramsci.
When raped, by Bill Clinton,
You'll have a grabba a Bubba dong time,
A stabba you time,
You'll have a stained old time.
The most meaningless sound I ever heard:
Obama, Obama, Obama, Odinga.
All the fraudulent sounds of the world in a single word:
Obama, Obama, Obama, Obama, Obama, Alinsky.
Obama, you can’t know a man named Obama,
and now the verb “change” will never be the same to me.
Obama! I've just dissed a man named Obama.
And typically I've found how fraudulent the left can be.
Obama, say it loud and there's Soros playing.
Jerking off and it's almost like praying,
Obama, they never stop saying: "Obama!"
Obama, Obama, Obama, Obama, Obama, Bill Ayers.
Obama, Obama, Obama, Obama, Obama, Revrin' Wright.
Al Gore. [Alfie]
What’s it all about, Al Gore?
Is it just for the moment you lie?
What’s your ass about when you’re spreading out, Al Gore?
And you mean to take more than you give,
Or are you just a behind?
And if only fools are blind, Al Gore,
Then I guess its wise to be Green.
And if life belongs only to the rich, Al Gore,
What will you bend on ev'ry golden rule?
As sure as I believe there’s a sun spot above, Al Gore,
I know there’s something much more,
Something even non-believers can believe in.
I believe it’s fraud, Al Gore.
Without bullshit you just exist, Al Gore.
Until you find the fame you’ve missed you’re nothing, Al Gore.
When you talk let your ass lead the way,
And you’ll find less every day, Al Gore, Al Gore.
Mike always waddles while others walk.
Mike eats while other men just talk.
He looks at this world, and wants it all,
Mike Moore lies, like Butterball.
He knows the meaning of success.
His needs are more, so he gives less.
They call him the whiner who takes all.
And he cheats, like Butterball.
Any kudo he wants, he'll get.
He will break any chair without regret.
His days of basting are not gone.
His fat goes on and on and on.
But he thinks that the fat is worth it all.
So he slides like Butterball.
Sean Penn. [Born Free]
Sean Penn, unstable the films blow,
As his treason shows,
Born free to follow his ass.
Live rich and stupid surrounds you.
L.A still astounds me,
Each time I look at a star.
Chavez freak, where no crime offends Sean,
You're dumb as a roaring toad,
So there's no need to know.
Bored me, your films are not worth paying,
But only worth fingering,
'cause you bore me.
Cocaine, and life is worth living,
But only worth living,
'cause you're over there.
George is still single. [George of the Jungle]
George, George, George is still single,
Dumb as he can be. (Ahhhhhhhh)
Came out of TV.
George, George, Clooney loves jingo,
Lives a life that's free. (Ahhhhhhhh)
Girlfriend on her knees.
Hanoi Jane. [Helen Wheels]
Hanoi (Hanoi) Hanoi Jane,
And a Commie rats gonna know the way guns feel.
Hanoi (Hanoi) Hanoi Jane,
And they never gonna take her away.
Diarrhoea’s a girls best friend. [Diamonds are a girls best friend]
The Greeks are glad to die for ass,
They delight in pounding stools.
But I refer to the men who give,
And have extensive tools.
A schlong in the butt,
May be quite continental,
But diarrhoea’s a girl's best friend.
A wizz may be grand,
But it won't clean the rectal.
With a humble splat,
Or help you at, the autoshat.
Men grow cold as girls grow old,
And we all lose our bowels in the end.
But square-cut or pear-shaped,
These dicks don't loose their shape.
Diarrhoea’s a girl's best friend.
Stiffany's! Fartier! Black Starr!
Frost Gorham! Talk to me Harry Reems!
Tell me all about shite!
There may come a time,
When an ass needs a reamer,
But diarrhoea’s a girl's best friend.
There may come a time,
When a hard-oiled impaler,
Thinks you're awful tight,
But get that grease, or else no night.
He's your guy, when wangs are high,
But beware when they start to descend.
It's then that those gasser's,
Go back to your asses.
Diarrhoea’s a girl's best friend.
I've heard of affairs that are strictly colonic,
But diarrhoea's a girl's best friend.
And I think affairs that you must keep Ebonic,
Are better bets, if little pets squirt bigger jets.
Time rolls on, and youth is gone,
And you can't straighten up your end.
So stiff, slack or boobies,
Can't hand crank that jack I see.
I don't mean Rhino horn!
But diarrhoea’s a girl's best friend.
Saturday, 1 October 2011
Pictured is Joffa Clunk wearing a traditional since lunchtime, turkey and baloney basting lyre bird dress, perhaps modelled on the once popular ginger coloured Macintosh. At The Department of Offence you’ll see it’s some catch that Catch ‘Impossible for the Untrained Wrong Colour People to Say What Colour a Fractional Colour Is’ 22. Ah, yes "we thought we were free..."
Criminologist: It is easy for us to judge Clunk too harshly. After all he only did what many of the insane left simply dream of doing. And we should remember that any crude, intimidating, leftist thug could merely be just another violently well-meaning and influence peddling, dismissed government employee. And are we not all a little like that? While Clunk was a talentless opportunistic bore, he was nonetheless an immensely laughable, wonderfully violent phony, loved by many.
Presenter: Most of the laughable logical fallacy based massively intimidating yet fair random law-making, concerns the head of the infamous Para Legal Brothers, ‘Monkeyboy’ Boobberg, but what about Bolt, the man they hated? One man who met him was Luigi Vercotti.
Vercotti: I had been running a successful identity grievance politics agency -- high class, no really, high class leftists - we didn't have any of “that”. No, strictly legit. Cannibalism was right out as was ritual mutilation, your voodoo and child brides. We always insisted on only top-shelf tribalism. None of your violently enforced conformity and sexual barbarity and that's not just your usually affluent white activists. I decided... (Phone rings) Excuse me. (Answers phone)
Hello......no, not now......shtoom...shtoom....right......yes, we'll have the job, er, watch ready for you at midnight.......the watch.....the government watch....yes, right-oh, bye-bye.....mother. (He hangs up phone)
Anyway I decided to open a high class night club for people of a provisional colour at Biggotswide, with International Communism and critical theory and top line Marxists, and not a cheap clip joint for picking up grants -- that was right out, I deny that completely - and one evening in walks Clunk with a couple of big lads, wearing the entire skins of twenty seven water buffaloes, thirteen kangaroos, seventeen baboons and a newt. They said I had bought one of their Tone Adjustment MachinesTM and would I pay for it.
2nd Interviewer: How much did they want?
Vercotti: Complete silence with absolutely zero criticism or questioning of the Shakedown Socialism of identity politics and no one must ever laugh at their fascistic mediocrity. And their government jobs back.
2nd Interviewer: Why didn't you call the Thought Police first?
Vercotti: Well I hadn’t thought of that, but then I noticed that the lad with the armed tactical legislative device, was the er, local judge like, and freelance masseuse for the area. So no point really. A week later they called again and told me that to understand why Clunk was suddenly dressed as a traditional mentally ill fancy dress clown, I had to read...Bolt.
2nd Interviewer: Bolt?
Vercotti: Bolt... (Takes a drink) Well, I was terrified. Everyone was terrified of reading Bolt. I've seen grown twerps enlist venal lawyers using the Nazi logical fallacy rather than read Bolt. Or read. Even Boobberg was frightened of Bolt. Actually, no he wasn’t.
2nd Interviewer: What did Bolt do?
Vercotti: He used...sarcasm. He made “a liberal use of sarcasm and mockery”. He knew all the tricks, dramatic irony, metaphor, bathos, puns, parody, litotes and... satire. His use of language and structure was “highly suggestive and designed to excite". His style was "not careful, precise or exact" and his language "not moderate or temperate but often strong and emphatic". He was vicious.
Well, everyone knows that "language of that kind has a heightened capacity to convey implications beyond the literal meaning of the words utilised. It is language which invites the reader to not only read the lines, but to also read between the lines." Or something like that, guv.
Presenter: But isn’t it blank between the fucking lines and isn't Boobberg describing actual writing and indeed any writing worth reading?
So, by a combination of bad leftist control freak legislation, random yet laughably elastic interpretations of the law and The Constitution, a fear of sarcasm and any humour or empirical facts whatsoever, the Para Legal Brothers by September 2011, controlled Australian’s God given right to free speech.
Perhaps it was Orwell or Charles Manson who said that good and correct writing should never express anything of value or meaning beyond the literal words used, as anything more intelligent would merely upset stupid people. Good writing should be like pornography, a race guide or Robert Manne. Only the hopelessly mad would say otherwise. Anything else is unacceptable and rude.
But it was in September though that Boobberg and Clunk both displayed further signs of the profound madness that would later render them unemployable outside of government.
Gloria: Boobberg had become increasingly obsessed about the ghost of John Milton, whom he was convinced was following him carrying a phantom ukulele. Boobberg had come to the conclusion that Milton was actually residing in his broom closet and that when Boobberg fell asleep, John Milton would emerge with his ectoplasmic uke in hand and implant George Formby songs into Boobberg’s mind, especially the tune ‘When I’m Cleaning Windows’.
Boobberg later commented that he had to “destroy truth and freedom of speech in order to save them!” and that he was possessed of a “nuclear device” that he would use to finally “make facts more fair” especially to the “oppressed” minorities in the government and at International Socialist.
Clunk too, believed that he was being followed by an apparition, a flying “two headed circus python” called “Monty.” “I shall cut off its head with my powerful traditional Death Ray to save the precious environmental dirt of Gaia! It will be powered by my own non-fossil fuel based body fat, as soon as I get that government grant” said Clunk, late at night at a local park, standing completely naked except for his trademark newt skin hat.