Inspired by the "Holy Chuck Soup" as it's now become known, the Iranian Minister for Raping School Girls spontaneously pays homage to the numerous historical examples of the Prophet.
Ahmadinejad: "I felt it myself. I felt that the atmosphere suddenly changed, and for those 27 or 28 minutes, all the leaders of the world did not blink. When I say they didn't move an eyelid, I'm not exaggerating. They were looking as if a hand was holding them there, and had just opened their eyes to the message of the Islamic Republic.
Oh, Allah, please facilitate Imam Mahdi's early return and make us one of his supporters!”
“Hassan! Come quickly! It’s a miracle!” shouted Iran’s President Armachimphead, [real name Roger Cumquat] to his long time companion and masseuse, Hassan the Imam. The reason for Roger's joy was that sometime after Sunday tiffin, the head Goon of Iran had allegedly discovered the face of the Prophet revealed in a simple throw pale. And it was a miracle typical of the region. In fact the Middle-East has more miracles per square kilometer than anywhere else on earth outside of the Highlands of New Guinea’s cannibal regions. From such wonders as the Koran being revealed in a humble cave to a lice-ridden child-rapist, to every invention and discovery being made exclusively by Muslims and incredibly before anyone else in history, past, present and future.
This includes the Chinese "stealing" all their ideas from Muslims, thousands of years before the founding of Islam according to the Iranian Science and Goat Cheese Minister Mr Abhoub Adoodle Dhou, because the wily Chinese Abhoub says,"knew Islam was coming". According to Hassan, [a highly respected child-killer like the President and his entire government] the President had found nestled among the carrots and sputum, the clear image of Mohammad. Mohammad, [last name Styrofoam] was the founder of Islam and the prime mover in making child rape a legitimate after hours pursuit.
Speaking to the independent Iranian state-run newspaper 'Armachimphead Is The Greatest Man In The World Daily', Armachimphead explained: “Last night when I partook of that extra bowl of camels snout, I could feel I was being guided by the Prophet! 'Eat of the camel and I shall reveal myself to you!' said a great voice!”
The President, or Chuckles as he is affectionately known for his spiritual banning of jokes with a punchline as un-Islamic, is more than the unqualified imbecile he is often called by critics. In fact, he's highly qualified. While Majoring in 'Kidnapping Kids 101' at Carlos the Jackal University, gaining an Advanced Diploma in Construction Crane Gay Lynching and while finishing his Masters in Sodomy, he was commonly known as the 'Persian Dough Boy'. The President is now an eager student of 'Goatism', a specialized course at the Tehran University and Torture Chamber of Theology and Applied Bestiality.
The discovery of Mohammad's face in the perk container has been screened continuously on Iranian TV for six months which is run by the Council Un-Islamic Neutralizing Television Station or CUINTS. CUINTS, known lovingly by locals as “living death on a screen”, broadcast what appears to be Mohammad's face floating half-submerged in the now holy bucket of intestinal swill. The eyes are two meat ball remnants while his nose is perhaps the religiously inspired piece of camel snout, and the mouth is made of what is most likely pizza crust, and the Prophet's beard is formed largely of phlegm.
Says Hassan: “Pilgrims have been rounded up all day and Allah willing, I can make a few rial a piece too!” Rial is the local currency and is unique among world monetary systems, being pegged to the value of actual wooden pegs.
The' loon in the spittoon' has been a sensation in Iran where people have been dancing in the streets in compulsory celebration. As one festive Burqa clad reveler stated: “This bucket of puke shows the superiority of Islam to everyone and everything that’s ever been anywhere! Even outer space! And especially the Jews, whom Allah has decreed can never have a superior bucket of Koranic hurl because they are descended from apes and pigs!”
Sadly, most of those doing compulsory dancing were later arrested and executed for said dancing. Many also had to pay a 'Frivolity Fine' before either being shot, hung and fined or all three. “No one can say that Iran is not a place of freedom of choice!” said Mohammad Mohammad Mohammad Mohammad Wilson, the Iranian Minister for the Eradication of Laughter, with a mischievous giggle. In a final light-hearted moment, the Minister and serial-rapist said with a twinkle in his one spinning eye, “Now we can say pieces of carrot be upon him!”