Russell Crowe Makes An Important Announcement.

Russell Crowe in his most challenging role as 'Fatima', a six year-old Muslim girl in the film ‘Cate Blanchet’, the strange story of the highly respected geo-political analyst, physicist, economist, inventor, ethicist, lauded screenplay writer, acrobat and bore. Cate is played by Russell Crowe as Fatima, one of the 6,000 Muslim girls genitally mutilated a day. The film has had such an impact on Crowe, that in his private life on Twitter, he bravely and wisely attacks Jews and anyone else, for the entirely normal practice of the circumcision of boys in the free West.



There was a hush as actor and higher mathematician Russell Crowe, took the stage at his recently convened press conference. The great man and poet first took the time to humbly thank the assembled and distinguished people of the press for listening to his golden insights.

“I don’t fucking care. Circumcision is worse than Hitler or even a million Hitler’s! In fact I wrote a poem about it. Circumcision is a terrible thing. It almost ended the world! I think of the gradient of tumultuous visions as I put on my hat of wonder and then I...”

Unable to contain their desire to know what the next pronouncement from the great Russ will be, an eager professional of the journalistic arts deigns to interrupt another prose gem from The Great One.

“Er, Mr Crowe. Please! What is your important message? We must all know. The WORLD must know!” Russell Crowe, at first startled, throws the microphone stand at a Fox reporter standing at the front of the press pack, as everyone else laughs at the serious head injury. Says Crowe “Well, it may be too much for your inferior minds, but here goes, you losers...I have the same views as every other unread, stupid, spoiled, narcissistic, leftard Hollywood twerp!” Gasps are heard from the assembled media talents who have so much to offer.

“No, no. It’s true. I’ve just added more bullying, public aggression, fights and my poetry, especially when I’m out with my massive security. Of course the average bar pleb is incapable of appreciating the beauty of original prose. And another thing, my acting range is limited and kind of a fraud. Fer’ instance, in the film where I pretend to be a crazy mathematics guy instead of a boring shithead, I just copied Herman Munster! Apparently I’m a casual inciter of Jew haters too, and by liberal standards it's of some kind of inverted 'respectable' stripe.“

The faces of the diverse, outstanding and courageous people of the MSM are now pale and transfixed in shock at this beyond belief news. Calls of “No, NO!” are heard and cries of “Hollywood people are the best of people!” A single waiter in the shadows shouts out “Rich asshat fucker!”, but is ignored and hustled out with the vague promise of a supporting part in the upcoming Kevin Spacey movie, ‘Our Cunt In Havana’.

With a sweep of his hand, Russell Crowe, philosopher king, gentleman and bore, bids the audience to please be quiet. “Shut up you bastards! After all these fucking years, can’t you see most of us actor twits have the same bog-standard incredibly boring leftard liberal views?! Can’t cha’ tell? It’s freakin’ obvious, even to you clowns. We have nothing, now listen, NOTHING to say! It’s all written for us!”

Several of pressdom’s brilliant minds are shatteringly overcome. The greatest of the great is the great moral sage Keith Olbermann, who faints.

“Most of us shit-turds squawk the same by the numbers logical fallacy cognitive dissonant laughable drivel at the drop of a hat. Look! I drop this hat and hey presto! Socialism for you capitalism for me! Global Warming is real thus I live at Malibu! Conservatives are all evil yet Che the child killer is my hero! The US military is evil but Hamass is good! Obama is a foreign policy genius! See?! We cannot help it. We are the unread incurious drones of Dumbass Boulevard.

We’re hypocritical freaks living in a fantasy life entirely supported by the system we despise. We’re uber-rich filth who praise and admire mass murdering dictators as long as they’re America hating Marxists and Islamofascist child rapists. Neurotic eh? But that’s Bel Air rebellion for ya. It’s mostly for the desperate rebel credit of which we have none in any reality. We just play act at rebellion.

We’re actually five star hotel pampered wimps with fifty assistants. That’s what actually makes us so entertaining. God knows it’s not usually the nine out of ten box office failures that make up the dreadful films we barely act in. In fact the average actor and bigot cum leftard activist standard drivel, is at the the level of a comic book. Literally. And now I have a special treat. My latest poem titled ‘I look at myself and wonder why...”

So demoralised are the simple folks of the media by Russ’s incredible revelations, that the entire press corp are willing to forgo a rare chance to hear Crowe’s newest ode, and reluctantly they stampede as one for the exit. But the generous spirit of Mr Crowe never loses its sensitivity for the common man as he speaks to the one man left and who will understand.

“Hey Olby. Ya wanna hear a poem? It’s fuckin’ grouse, mate.” A single gunshot echoes around the room as Russell begins to recite. “I look at myself and I wonder why. Wonder I do. The actor and poet are as one and as the brilliant sun reflects in turn upon the brilliance of...”