Sunday, 26 June 2011

Russell Crowe Makes An Important Announcement.

Russell Crowe in his most challenging role yet as 'Fatima', a six year-old Muslim girl in the film ‘Cate Blanchet’. It's the strange story of the highly respected geopolitical analyst, physicist, economist, inventor, ethicist, lauded screenplay writer, acrobat and bore. Cate is played by Russell Crowe as Fatima, one of the 6,000 Muslim girls genitally mutilated a day. The film has had such an impact on Crowe, that in his private life on Twitter, he bravely and wisely attacked a Jewish tradition while drunk - and anyone else for the entirely normal practice of the circumcision of boys in the free West, then apologizes. Sadly, there were no equally daring n' brave Hollywood maverick attacks on massive daily Islamic gential mutilations. Never mind then. Cate? 

There was a hush as actor and higher mathematician Russell Crowe took the stage at his recently convened press conference, where the great man and poet first took the time to humbly thank the assembled and distinguished people of the press for listening to his golden insights.

“I don’t fucking care. Circumcision is worse than Hitler or even a million Hitler’s! In fact I wrote a poem about it. Circumcision is a terrible thing. It almost ended the world! I think of the gradient of tumultuous visions as I put on my hat of wonder and then I...” Unable to contain their desire to know what the next pronouncement from the Great Russ will be, an eager professional of the journalistic arts deigns to interrupt another prose gem from The Great One.

Keith Olbermann: “Er, Mr Crowe. Please! What is your important message? We must all know. The WORLD must know!” Russell Crowe at first startled, throws the microphone stand at a lone Fox reporter standing at the front of the press pack as everyone else laughs at the serious head injury. Says Crowe, “Well, it may be too much for your inferior minds, but here goes, you losers. I too, can sometimes have summa the same views as many other Tinsel Town rebels who are you may have noted and wait for it, sometimes just a little er, astoundingly incurious, unread, stupid, spoiled, narcissistic, left liberal Hollywood twerps!” Gasps are heard from the assembled media talents who have so much to offer.

“No, no. It’s true. Sure. I may have added some bullying public aggression, fights and my poetry, especially when out with my massive security, but which is more frightening, I cannot say. Of course the average bar pleb is incapable of appreciating the beauty of original prose. And another thing, my acting range can seem kinda limited and even an amusing fraud. Fer’ instance, in the film where I pretend to be a crazy mathematics guy instead of a boring drunk with a lobby phone - well, I ah, apparently copied Herman Munster! And sadly, for liberals, typical Marxist leftist activism and their not so accidental inciting of Jew hatred, can still be by seen by many a celebrity boob as even reasonable criticism."

The faces of the diverse, outstanding and courageous people of the mainstream media are now pale and transfixed in shock at this beyond belief news. Calls of “No, NO!” are heard and passionate cries of “Hollywood people are the best of people!” A single waiter in the shadows shouts out “Rich asshat fuckers!” but is ignored, and is hustled out with the vague promise of a supporting part in the upcoming Kevin Spacey movie ‘Our Cunt In Havana’.

With a sweep of his hand, the great actor Russell Crowe, philosopher king, gentleman and bore, bids the audience to please be quiet. “Shut up you bastards! After all these fucking years, can’t you see way too many actor twits have the same incredibly boring progressive views?! Can’t cha’ tell? It’s freakin’ obvious, even to you clowns. We often have little to nothing..el zilcho to say! It’s usually written for us!”

Several of pressdom’s brilliant minds are shatteringly overcome. The greatest of the great is the great moral sage Keith Olbermann, who faints. Crowe continued: “It's rare for celebrities to not babble the same by the numbers, bundled opinions of laughably dissonant logical fallacy drivel at the drop of a hat. Look! I drop this hat and hey presto!"

Led by Keith Olbermann, the entire liberal audience instantly recite as one..."socialism for you capitalism for me! Global Warming is real thus I live at Malibu! Conservatives are all evil yet Che the child killer is our hero! The US military is corrupt but Hamass is not a problem! Obama is a foreign policy genius!" Notes Russ: "See?! They cannot help it. Celebrities: the unread incurious drones of Dumbass Boulevard. Hypocritical freaks living in a fantasy life entirely supported by the system they largely despise, the uber-rich who praise and admire mass-murdering dictators as long as they’re America-hating Marxists that are cool with supporting  Islamofascist child rapists.

Neurotic eh? But that’s Bel Air rebellion for ya. It’s for the desperate rebel cred so few have in any known reality. They just play act at rebellion. Tinsel Town rebellion is five star hotel pampered wimps with ten assistants and air-conditioned caravans, and that's what actually makes us so entertaining. God knows it’s not always the nine out of ten box office failures that make up the dreadful films that can barely do an accent properly. In fact the average actor's tedious activism drivel is at the the level of a comic book, Literally. And now I have a special treat. My latest poem titled ‘I look at myself and wonder why...”

So demoralised are the simple folks of the media by Russ’s incredible revelations, that the entire press corp are willing to miss a rare chance to hear Crowe’s newest ode as reluctantly they stampede as one for the exit. But the generous spirit of Mr Crowe never loses its sensitivity for the common man as he speaks to the one man left behind who will understand Crowe's Sun King brilliance.

“Hey Olby. Ya wanna hear a poem? It’s fuckin’ grouse, mate.” A single gunshot echoes around the room as Russell begins his recitation and goes on and on and... “I look at myself and I wonder why. Wonder I do. The actor and poet are as one and as the brilliant sun reflects in turn upon the brilliance of...” Etc.


andyjourn said...

Hi Colonel Neville.

Forgive me for using your blog to contact you, but we met at the talk on Wednesday night, and had a nice chat afterwards.

If you would like to keep in touch, and continue talking, my email address is

You are a hilarious guy, who stole the show that evening! Love to remain in touch

Colonel Robert Neville said...

Hey Andy. Ahoy there! Thanks for the kind words. No problem via my shabby old blog. It's open to all, even my Mother. I will be writing...In fact now. Colonel Neville.

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