”Warning! Imam! Keep away from children, women, men and pets! It’s funny cos’ it’s true! I used to say this all the time just for the laughs, being an Imam myself, until the laughs stopped”, says the founder of The Muslim Brotherhood Imam Hassan al-Banna.
Hassan al-Banna, the founder of both The Muslim Brotherhood and the Karthoum Knitting Club, has taken what many consider a startling, controversial and even "daring" break with the standard Muslim jihadist line that Islam is a "religion of peace and a million wonderful laughs." The founding Imam says that “au contraire! Anyone can easily show that in every way Islam is empirically awful."
During an exclusive interview at Bernstein’s Kosher Dumpling Palace, al-Banna emphasised that “Let’s face it. Islam sucks! Everything about it is a total mad failure and an embarrassing violent drag. Islam is a disgrace! Always has been. Just look at our official [The Muslim Brotherhood's] credo. “Allah is our objective. The Prophet is our leader. Qur’an is our law. Jihad is our way. Dying in the way of Allah is our highest hope”. That’s poetry? It stinks! ! Like every jackass Islamic bigmouth from here to Cairo, it’s the best I could come up with. Like, ever! The Muslim Brotherhood are supposed to be the foundational Islamic influence in the world today! Sheesh! And we are!
Look Hymie, can I call you Hymie? We keep on outbreeding and inbreeding new recruits at 3.5 to 7 or 9 per female on average! Now outside of this ancient schtick of marrying our first cousins 40 to 75% of the time, and making it compulsory for everyone born into God’s Monkey House to be a Muslim on pain of death and a fine, well, mostly we rely for a lotta new blood on invasion, enslavement and by attracting mostly mentally ill criminal misfits. Of course there’s a negative side too.
Look, ya wanna help Muslims? I mean really help? Help them leave nutso Islam! It makes sense. I'm leaving next Thursday, but don't tell anyone. I might give the Quakers a go. I've always liked oatmeal.
And don’t get me started on that Krazy Koran! Ya ever tried reading it and making a shred of sense out of it? Impossible. What a pile of insane, convoluted poop! Frankly, whenever I see a Koran I want to burn it,” said al-Banna in clear frustration at what he sees as the failings of his enforced faith or as he likes to call it, “fucking Islam”.
The Imam continued with his views on the Prophet Mohammad. “Hey, now there’s your problem right there. What a crazy bastard. Hideous. I try to come up with a nice endorsement of Mad Mo and what have I got to work with? Pedophilia, rape, mass murder, uber-deception, lies, madness, necrophilia, banditry, pointless behavioural proscriptions for every mundane detail of life and this 7th century kept-boy is hallucinating in a lice ridden cave! You try and find an appealing fun product slogan in that mess. Freaking can’t be done! Only a low IQ illiterate idiot would buy it, which is pretty much what we end up with.”
The Imam then leant over and asked in a hushed tone if he can “let me in on a little secret?
Well, I have a screech owl that I’ve called Mohammad. I also have a baboon and a chimpanzee named Mohammad. I have a dozen lovable newts, a hamster, a gnu, three aardvarks, a poodle, two mice, a rattlesnake and a sloth all named Mohammad. I also have a centipede, a slug, a blow fish, a family of Sea Monkeys and a Petri dish of bacteria all named Mohammad. I can say ‘hey Mohammad!’ and they all appear at once, alighting in photogenic pose. Pretty funny, eh? Nya. I guess not, but I gotta get some laughs somewhere out this Islamic crap.
Hey, I used to come up with all these hilarious lines during bomb-making and beheading video downtime. Just don’t tell anyone. Ya know what Muslim’s are like! They get offended at everything and nothing. No, really. Jesus what a God awful disaster Islamisation is. ”
Hassan al-Banna is appearing for one night only at the ‘Carlos the Jackal Lounge’ in Yemen, supported by The 'Explosive!' Six Mohammad’s. [Below are just some of Hassan's favourite Islamic flavoured one-liners.]
Islam. The Religion of Peace...or else!
Hey! Did somebody just Mohammad?
Frankly my dear, I don’t give a Koran.
Oh John! Oh Mohammad!
Oh God! I think I’m going to Mohammad!
Removes most bathroom Mohammad’s with a single wipe!
Removes even the most stubborn Mohammad’s in the wash!
I think we may have to put Mother into a home. She’s becoming more Mohammad everyday.
I’m afraid your tests are positive Mr Kowalski. You have Mohammad.
Sir! I said drop the Koran and move away from the nuclear device, now!
Your towel, sir.
In all my years of medical and psychiatric practice, I’ve never seen a Mohammad like it.
Islam? No, it’s beef!
Islam treats women like a precious gift. That’s why they wrap them up.
Larry, Mohammad and Curly.
Hey Mo! Nyuk, nyuk, nyuk!
And then he says, ‘you should have seen the other Mohammad!’
Hey Mohammad! Here boy!
All units respond to a Mohammad at 12th and Vine. Suspect is armed, has a history of psychological illness and is considered extremely dangerous.
In zis experiment I vill transfer zer brain of zis Mohammad into zer brain of zis chicken!
Of course I love you but we’re so different. You’re just way too Mohammad!
It looks like Mohammad is going for the triple play.
Hey Dude, like that Mohammad is like totally radical!
Early behead and early to lies, makes Mohammad unhinged wacky and despised.
Hey Kor-an, you’re the girl for me.
My, my, my, my, my, my, my, my Mohammad!
My Mother caught me having a Mohammad.
Hey, that’s like, totally Islam!
Adventurous cross dresser wishes to meet midget acrobat for casual fun times. Must be into Mohammad.
Oh, Mr President! I'll never get your Dhimmi stains out of my new dress!
Hey buddy. Interested in half an hour with a really hot little Mohammad?
I woke up this mornin’ and got myself Mohammad!
Are you some kind of Mohammad?
They Came From Outer The Koran!
I Was A Teenage Mohammad!
I never had sexual relations with that Mohammad.
I am not a Mohammad!
Dhimmi, Dhimmi coco pop!
The Australian Labour Party stands for all Mohammad's.
Read my lips. No more Mohammad's.
That curry gave me terrible Sharia.
Islam ah bad?
Life is but a dream...kaboom, kaboom!
Congress has just outlawed Islam. We commence bombing of Mecca in five minutes.
Whoh oh Black Betty, Ramadan. Damn things gone wild. Ramadan.
I just met a girl called Sharia.
Bewitched, bothered and beheaded am I.
In the merry, merry month of Ramadan.
A full Burqa looks like Gort the robot in drag.
Islamic puzzle book. Join the heads!
It looks like Mohammad is going for the red in the side pocket.
Now Mohammad, I just want you to relax and close your eyes and tell me, why do you hate everyone’s Mother?
That’s Mohammad ahead by two points.
Crazier than an Imam.
After washing thoroughly, please place all Mohammad’s in the bin provided.
I’ll have the Mohammad and eggs and a coffee, thanks.
I’ve been seeing another Mohammad, and we’re in love!
How could you spend all our savings on a Mohammad!
Hey man, this is Grade A Mohammad!
I’m sorry. We just sold our last Mohammad. We’re expecting more by Thursday at the latest.
They tried to tell us we were Mohammad.
Here’s looking at you, Mohammad.
Ramadan a ding dong.
Iraq me baby, all night long.
Hey, I’m gonna Mecca summa spaghetti!
Try ‘New’ Mohammad! Now with five times more Jihad!
Is your hair dry, lifeless and hard to Mohammad?
There is nothing to fear but Islam itself.
This is a day that will live in Islam, see.
Ask not what your country can do for you, but what you can do for Dhimmitude.
The truth about Islam? You can’t handle the truth!
Israel is real. Islam is unreal.
Islam gave me cancer!
Islamism. It’s the crème de’ la crude.
Harem Jane Fonda. Haram Jane Fonda.
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