Charlie Sheen Advising President Obama Since 2005.

Charlie Sheen: "Policy hard and party harder!"


“Sure, I was the main adviser to the President. Still am. Who else can or would even try? Nobody that's who. Only I, The Fabulous Zeb of Hydrogon. Yessiree, I taught Barry everything he knows. I drink the universe every morning for breakfast and yet phwooo! I got bored with that."

These were the confessional words of actor and avid pubic shaver Charlie Sheen, from an edited transcript of an uninterrupted twenty-six hour interview in which he reveals his key role in guiding Obama’s rise to power.

Charlie Sheen: "Sure, I've been the intellectual and spiritual guide to Oby since 2005 man, the year of the Great Three Week Crank Party at Sean Penn’s. Hey, and Sean was the Chavez Teacher and collectivist conduit to our swingin’ Prez. Hey baby, like most celebrities, Penn and Obama really clicked over their mutual love of Bel Air Marxist Lenininist socialism and The Great Zeb of Hydrogon. Collectivism not for themselves of course, but for others, which is so typically generous and selfless of those two who struggle on with the burdensome enormous rewards of free market capitalist celebrity.

Naturally this is too high thinking for the average person. Replace the inner with the outer space of the Hydrogon dance! Think about that.

Man, Penn polished Barack’s shoe soles with his tongue moaning in his Spicoli voice that “I want your socialist son of a 19th century anti-colonialist semi-blackness in my throat!” Do you understand that only I have zebra’s who dance in my incommunicado? Know what I mean? Nope, being ordinary, you cannot possibly grasp these concepts.

I especially worked hard on his foreign policy. Get with the mellow and take some of this, man! And he did! I taught him the little bowing thing. Do a line while ya down there. Nobody'll know. It's a real experience that I can give you as a gift, forever.”

Sheen added that, “Of course I advised him that all our so-called friends like Britain, Israel and the Tea Party and so on, were our true enemies, and that he should get freaking hip to and big pals with complete Commie madmen like Chavez and China and every jihadist scumbag from Hamass to Abass to CAIR. And he did! Hey, that kinda rhymes! From Hamass to Abass to Cair! From Hamass to...Think the opposite of sane! And he did! It’s crazy enough to work!

Do you know that George Bush personally infected millions with smallpox? Sure, they covered their tracks by making it appear they died of “natural causes” or as “collateral damage”, all while apparently just catching a taxi in Jersey.

Man, that Colonel Kurtz is a freakin’ genius man! He had to behead all those people! Had to! Can’t you see that? It was the only way for him to free us all and bring his perfect plan into being, like a beautiful garden. Oh then it all went wrong...and then I got bored with that and no normal mind can conceive of my specialness. Nobody outside of the Hydrogon!”

Charlie Sheen is currently appearing.