Thursday, 22 January 2009

Labourer Discovers Economic Cause and Effect.

Jimmy McOates, labourer and economist relaxing at home.

Dear sports, here's request of the week from Tuesday 19 June 2008.

'It's a miracle!' say world leaders.

A statement presented today at a hastily convened press conference by a gardener, is being hailed as possibly the greatest breakthrough in improving the standard of living for the worlds poor since the Industrial Revolution or cannibalism. A man, who until recently had been working as a labourer, claimed that he had found the actual and surprisingly single cause of world poverty.

Jimmy McOates of South Node stated that it came to him while he was watching the Academy Awards. "I had been spreading some gravel. I had just come home and had begun to watch the television. I noticed that all these so called stars were wearing expensive jewellery and quick as a flash, I put two and two together", he said in his incredibly thick accent while adding that, "I'm not a racist, and wouldn't even know how to spell bigot.

How can they wear expensive jewellery while there are people starving in Africa?”, said McOates with a concerned upturn of the eyebrow. "Well, once I'd said it, I realised that it was pure gold and I had to get it out to the world".

And of course, the impact of this profound revelation has been felt around the world as politicians, scientists, business people and actors, have reacted with a mixture of shock, surprise and relief that one of the great puzzles and misconceptions of the century has finally been exposed.

African Leader and Philanthropist, President Robert Zimbabwe, said that "It's a complete turn-up for the books. All this time, foreign conspirators that I cannot name for security reasons, have spread lies that our problems were caused by murderous, incompetent, corrupt, oppressive, undemocratic and non civil governments with even crazier economic systems, which shows how wrong you can be".

He was speaking at the launch of his governments 'Fifteenth Economic Conference on the Implementation of a Straw Based Economy', held at Club Med.

"I knew all along that it was something like this, but I couldn't put my finger on it. Of course we don't need any Western mumbo jumbo interfering in our country. We have our own. I know what my people want, as I have told them on many occasions", he said.

Part of President Zimbabwe's 'New Economy', has included providing shoes only to his supporters. A country that had once been the world's biggest exporter of two tones, now has an almost entirely shoeless populace, leaving only one rapidly depleting domestic footwear source. It comes from the forced takeover of the usually Hawaiian owned, 'Arthur Lyman Dance Academies'.

These schools are a legacy of Robert Zimbabwe's failed 'Non-Stop Disco Dancing to Wealth' economic experiment of the mid-eighties. He has been aided by a disgruntled group of former dance students, who according to a school spokesman, "Couldn't actually dance at all and had no interest in it, but just came to jealously eye the other students coveted Florsheims".

Jimmy McOates said that now he had discovered his financial 'wonder formula', he felt that it could be applied endlessly. Speaking at a packed conference attended by Government leaders, various dignitaries and pop musicians from across the world, he enthralled his audience when he showed how simply by never wasting money on new underwear, he could increase the GDP of New Guinea by 50%.

Mr McOates said in a final statement, "I believe that if I wear track pants all the time, even formally, in fact especially formally, I feel I can reduce the foreign debt of Belize or Macaroon". He added that the wonderful thing was he would not have to modify his lifestyle. In fact, it would most likely enhance it.

Curiously, when asked by a single reporter if according to his incredible new theory, it follows that Africans buying expensive jewellery would have a negative effect on any other economy, or upon their own, there was some hesitation.

When queried on how much of his own money he was currently sending to Africa Warlord's that would otherwise be wasted on living, Mr McOates looked puzzled. Jimmy then suddenly announced that he was feeling quite ill and that he had to go to the bathroom.

So far, he has not returned.

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