The Great Bloat of St. Ives.

The only head that can be seen from space.


People still speak today about The Great Bloat of St. Ives. Sadly, I am that person, as no one had ever heard of The Great Bloat of St. Ives, until now. Have you heard of The Bloat of St. Ives? I believe you have.

Oh, The Great Bloat of St. Ives is a wondrous thing, a wondrous thing to behold, is The Great Bloat of St. Ives. People come from far and wide to admire its width and pay homage to The Great Bloat of St. Ives. "Oh, show us the way, Great Bloat of St. Ives!" they implore, and the Great Bloat obliges like clockwork, expanding itself to enormous proportions until it reaches a full and majestic bloatedness. Hence the name, The Great Bloat of St. Ives.

Excuse me, but have you heard of The Great Bloat of St.Ives?

The Great Bloat of St. Ives has said many wise and profound things. If The Great Bloat of St. Ives is about anything, wisdom and profound things are what The Great Bloat of St. Ives will be all about. For example, The Great Bloat of St. Ives has said that, “one word sums up probably the responsibility of any Vice President, and that one word is 'to be prepared”.

Yes, if you want to be ready for anything, anything at all, being prepared is one thing I always recommend, even to the deaf and blind. Be prepared, I say, be prepared!

Hence, “we are ready for any unforeseen event that may or may not occur”.

The Great Bloat of St. Ives is a wondrous source of pure gold, a source of pure gold is he. If you can’t get pure gold from The Great Bloat of St. Ives, I can’t help you. Nay, you are beyond helping. I cannot reach you no matter how much reaching I may do. Such as the following, which is something I live by religiously.

The Great Bloat of St. Ives: “It isn't pollution that's harming the environment. It's the impurities in our air and water that are doing it”. And they are. I can feel them doing it now, even through the linoleum.

The Great Bloat of St. Ives: "For NASA, space is still a high priority”.

Space is something that The Great Bloat of St.Ives is determined to fill.

The Great Bloat of St. Ives: "It's time for the human race to enter the solar system”. I myself have taken serious steps to enter the solar system by leaving my lounge room to go to the local shop and get another pack of Pall Malls. It’s a small step for a Mars Bar but I’ll have a packet of crisps too, thankyou.

Again, I can put my hand on my heart and say as The Great Bloat of St. Ives has said, "Quite frankly, teachers are the only profession that teach our children”.

Aah, yes, a wondrous thing is an education. I myself am the product of one.

The Great Bloat of St. Ives: "The Holocaust was an obscene period in our nation's history. I mean in this century's history. But we all lived in this century. I didn't live in this century”. Oh yes, a nasty business was your Hitler. Do you know that Hitler invented Auto Barn?

The Great Bloat of St. Ives: "We're all capable of mistakes, but I do not care to enlighten you on the mistakes we may or may not have made”.

I myself am only capable of mistakes. When I have foolishly done something that makes any practical sense whatsoever, quick as a flash, I cover it up with something stupid, leaving no one the wiser.

The Great Bloat of St. Ives: "I believe we are on an irreversible trend toward more freedom and democracy, but that could change”. Irreversible we are indeed. No matter how many times I have stood in my front garden covered in soup imploring to the Heavens, ‘Reverse! Reverse!’ not once have I been able to return to last Tuesday.

The Great Bloat of St. Ives: "Verbosity leads to unclear, inarticulate things”. Indeed it does. I was saying to my wife Doris only last Tuesday, I think I’ve reversed, Doris. Every Tuesday Doris says to me ‘you say that every Tuesday. You must be reversing again, dear’.

"I have made good judgments in the past. I have made good judgments in the future”. Sadly, I have never had the privilege of making any good judgements as I can never get the right kind of timber. I’m afraid of using chipboard, fear it I do, as it expands in the rain and we don’t have a ceiling.

The Great Bloat of St. Ives: "The future will be better tomorrow”.

Doris: "What day is it?"

Colonel Neville: "It’s Tuesday. Everyday it’s Tuesday, especially on Thursdays. In fact, it’s been Tuesday all week. Wednesday is not until Monday. And Saturday was last Monday. Friday has been postponed due to a lack of interest and they’re replaying Sunday".

The Great Bloat of St. Ives: "We're going to have the best-educated American people in the world”.

Doris: "Are you Mr Barnes?"

Colonel Neville: "Yes I am. I’m Mr Barnes as I’ve been all my life, both man and boy".

Doris: "Is there any lettuce? Don’t threaten me with your salad!"

Colonel Neville: "Not with my legs".

The Great Bloat of St. Ives: "We have a firm commitment to NATO; we are a part of NATO. We have a firm commitment to Europe. We are a part of Europe”.

Doris: "When does this film end?"

Colonel Neville: "At the beginning, around July".

Doris: "I don’t like the people in it!"

Colonel Neville: "Who does? They’re all actors".

Doris: "Well, when does it start?"

Colonel Neville: "It never does, I’m afraid".

Doris: "But it’s half way through!"

Colonel Neville: "See what I mean".

Doris: "You can’t keep me here like a caged lion!"

Colonel Neville: "Hence the fleas".

Doris: "What day is it?"

The Great Bloat of St. Ives: "I stand by all the misstatements that I've made”.

Have you heard about The Great Bloat of St. Ives? So wondrous is he. I believe you may have...