Wednesday, 30 April 2008

Derek and Clive discuss public telly.

Clive: "Do you know there are two ways that many of our most well known MSM journalists can show how much they care about journalistic standards and the public in general?"

Derek: "Lovely. What are they? Do tell how".

Clive: "With their resignations and subsequent suicides".

Clive: “You know that George Negus?"

Derek: "Old Puff N' Stuff?"

Clive: "Right. There is an interesting effect whenever I see him on the telly. His mediocrity follows you around the room. No matter where I sit or where he is positioned, it always appears as if he hasn’t moved a single paradigm for years, but the shallow hackery of his standard naff journalism sans integrity is always ready to pounce, like a rice pudding. Do you want the rest of that cheese sandwich, Derek?”

Derek: “Yes, I do. I was just about to pounce all Negus-like”.

Clive: “You are a non-sharer of the cheesy bread repast, Derek. A non-sharer you be”.

Derek: “That is the question”.

Clive: “To Negus or not to Negus”.

Derek: “Thank you, Clive”.

Clive: “The great thing about your public television and radio is that you can totally ignore the public. It’s a wonderful idea to employ public servants and University Graduates to enlighten panel beaters and labourers. Of course there’s your sport. Hours of it, but that’s because little else in public broadcasting is ours. Have you ever seen Dateline on SBS? All lies and misrepresentation. I called them up and said I’m an attractive single man and as a public service, I’d like you to aid me in meeting a nice woman in reasonable condition”.

Derek: “What did they say?”

Clive: “They said “I’m sorry Sir, but we are a highly respected and professional weekly current affairs television program. We are not a dating agency”.

Derek: “Liars!”

Clive: “Exactly. I said I’ll watch the program again, and get back to you. And they were lying. Obviously Negus is doing this rubbish to pay for his blow jobs. The whole show was one endless fucking wank and not a very good one. If I say arsehole, what comes to your mind Derek?”

Derek: “George Negus!”

Clive: “Fucker?”

Derek: “George Negus!”

Clive: “Unbelievably stale, monumentally smug, boring and relentlessly by the numbers bags of shit?”

Derek: “The entire editorial board at the New York Times going down on the staff of the Melbourne Age in a public toilet! And George Negus!”

Clive: “Yes, but hopefully not this one. Usually they have about three stories on each Dateline and some of them have actually almost happened”.

Derek: “But no fucking dates! The cunts! They’re all cunts!”

Clive: “Yes, and the first cunt was Gerhard Heibard of the IOC, or the International Olympic Committee. According to Gerby, the Chinese Communists have been slandered by the million Tibetans they have murdered. And yet, the Chinese are willing to forgive and forget if everyone applauds and says bravo. Is that asking so much? I fucking ask you? Is it?! Every mass murdering Totalitarian Dictatorship only asks to be treated the same as a free Democracy”.

Derek: “The Reds are Saints! Living fucking humanitarians! And yet, I still want to kill the entire leadership with my bare fucking hands!”

Clive: “You have always been a romantic at heart, Derek”.

Derek: "And at knob!"

Clive: “Yes. Gerby showed how any “alleged” Chinese violence and 100 million murdered by Communism and Socialism, is far less unpleasant than the outrageous protesting and waving of placards by Tibetans. Heibard is a great statesman and decent honest man... Either that or a disgusting, privileged, toadying, spineless liar and convenience pusher, crawling out of the sewer of lap dog appeasement. But I would never say that, because he’s obviously a cunt”.

Derek: “Mass murder. It was “necessary”.

Clive: “It always is, Derek. And if anyone is going to oppress, torture and murder Tibetans, it should be the original Tibetan medieval theocracy. One must respect traditional culture Derek, no matter what backward shite it is. Did you hear that Japan generates 80% of it's electricity from 47 nuclear reactors? And France has a similiar scene happening at around 65%?"

Derek: "Er, no. I must have been watching Dateline...Er, what was the next pile of steaming shit on the Negus Show?”

Clive: “Well, according to Dr Raj Patel who was actually on Dateline, millions suddenly starving across the world is er, not due to the domination of Leftard activist enviro-imperialism resulting in crops being diverted to the dumb disaster of bio-fuels; the stopping of development by said Leftard activists to the tune of over 300 dams etc; Saudi manipulation of oil prices; nor the West not using nuclear power which could replace 75% of oil usage; nor the behaviour of economically incompetent, neo-Socialist retard, third world and developing world, idiot gangster governments. No.

Patel, who lives in the successful Capitalist West, says it's due to misguided attempts to implement the same modern free market efficiencies that have made the free world a massive success. He also blames the use of mechanised farming that has more than quadrupled food production over recent decades etc. He feels it's a real drag, man. Curiously, the "innate exploitation of the Capitalist hegemony" has managed to keep the good Doctor at a comfortable body mass”.

Derek: “Damn those efficient modern methods and functional economic systems! Damn them all! Confusing innit, the world of public and mainstream media?”

Clive: “Not if you reverse everything they say unless someone neglected to lie as per usual”.

Derek: “Lovely! There's obviously a lot of misunderstanding about, Clive, especially by those who just won't agree with everything. And the last piece of flying shite?”

Derek: “Well, Hugo Chavez apparently cares about the Bronx! Now as you know Derek, no grossly overweight Che the child killer Guevara loving Socialist Marxist creep would ever lie, manipulate or use their lazily and forcibly appropriated natural resources to spread propaganda and influence in a foreign country, by taking advantage of the poor and vulnerable. Never. They need all the people they can get for the firing squads and Gulag come the peoples revolution. Er, yes, Huge-o Cheese edge is donating oil and money to the people of Brooklyn, no strings attached".

Derek: "Er, Shaved ass is sans string?"

Clive: "Apparently yes Derek. There is an enormous shortage of twine in Venezuela. But that's Socialism for you. And big ‘effing surprise, government employed socialist workers are lovin’ it! Are you sure you don’t want that sandwich, Derek?”

Derek: “They’re all arseholes! ‘Ere Clive, have a cheese sandwich”.

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