I had a spare afternoon so I called up the laughable National Security Hotline and ASIO.

Pictured are three of the gals I spoke to at the National Security Hotline and ASIO, and the P.A for the Attorney General. They're in deep conference about who these mysterious "terrorists" could be. And getting their nails done. "Terrorists? Whatever! Like, der!"



Request of the week from Thursday 19 February 2009.

No really. I did call the whip crack smart super security portals and departments in charge of our er, security against our mortal enemy, [as yet un-named]. Dig my recent Fisk on the real life parody that is the National Security website. Enjoy your tax dollars and naive trust in our boob laden authorities at work. But then, they do allow hijab wearing Muslims to er, "man" the x-ray and security pantomime at our airports against terrorist who are 95 to 100 percent, wait for it, Muslims. And then there's Dubai Ports and Etihad Qantas etc, etc, etc... Who are we to judge, eh. Especially stealth jihad.

By "whip crack smart" I mean a beyond belief parody of PC'ism, the disingenuous, the incompetent, the stupid and the skirting of treason by manipulating and omitting harsh facts that put Australia and its people at grave and serious risk. And oh yes, threatening the average citizen with bankrupt laws, if they dare to not play the game and point out the bleeding obvious to the overpaid and unreachable.

So oatmeal sharp really. In short, our major security services are apparently some kind of absurd and profoundly disturbing joke. A gravediggers joke. So keep laughing if you can or call ASIO. Be polite and expect nothing and you'll never be disappointed. The National Security Hotline is waiting for your call, unless it's lunch. Ask for Sir Arthur Streebgreebling. No, not really but you may as well be asking for a pizza delivery or that great new melon peeler you saw advertised.

I said to the little dears that I had hoped that ASIO was better than their reputation, but my hopes were sadly crushed and without ceremony. Now nowhere on the NS website do they mention who the terrorists are, either by name, profile, what drives them, where they are likely to be from, what their goals are and so on ad nauseum.

Now, they were nice enough people for what nice is worth, which ain't much in fact it's nothing security-wise. Though they were snooty, rather unnatural and not straight speaking whatsoever and all but useless. And all but one hung up on me when I asked the utterly basic question "Can you tell me who these terrorists are?" The Attorney Generals Personal Assistant[!] said and I quote as best I can remember, "I can't do that". Why not exactly? Then resign, dear boob.

Colonel Neville: "So you're from National Security and you cannot tell me who these terrorists are but you expect the average citizen to identify them for you and let you know?"

PA: "I'm not prepared to continue this conversation..." [How convenient and ridiculous.]

Colonel Neville: "Then that makes you incompetent or dishonest".

Sound of hung up phone. "Brrrrrrr". Oooh, sooooo chilly!

The first dame I contacted reminded me of the lovely kind ladies who worked at the school canteen when I was a kid. Sadly, dealing in donuts, candy, small change and small children is not my idea of counter-terrorism training. But then in Australia, alleged "counter terrorism" university departments are almost invariably run by Muslim apologists cum taquiyaa pushers and Marxist cum leftist academics. And thus they "advise" our military and government...how to lose. Go figure.

Hell, just trying to get through on the phone was bad enough. When I called the NS and ASIO, the phones kept dropping out and I also got a technical feed recording, then someone else answered then it dropped out again and then I could hear the office background noise! No, seriously. Being a sarcastic satirical kinda guy, I asked them all about the "mysterious terrorists" and how I have a list, and if they could just help me eliminate some of the suspects, I may be able to narrow it down to who they are most likely to be. The terrorists that is.

"Could they be Hawaiian Taoists?" I asked cheerily. "Japanese salary men? Welsh pensioners? Taiwanese motorcycle cops? Red haired kilt wearing Scotsmen? Catholic nuns? Stamp collecting dentists from Pago Pago? Grid iron pros from the Bronx? Italian dairy farmers from Wonthaggi?"

Nope, apparently they couldn't say one way or another. No, really. What I can say for sure, is that these people appear to me to be PC infected idiots who will endanger and ultimately kill us all. No, really. I asked many questions and not one of them could give me a single straight answer on anything except yes, they were the main citizen portal for terrorism unpleasantness. Though this is of course entirely problematic. Professional government twerps do love that inhuman death sentence speak, don't they? You know, the junk that sounds almost polite to the ignorant but is cynical, entirely phony and profoundly insulting to real people.

Colonel Neville: "At the absolute basic, would you say that the NS and ASIO are the main and only places for citizens concerned about terror to go to?"

"Yes". Ok, they answered that one straight as I said but to no avail.

Colonel Neville: "So how can the major portal not name the enemy and be regarded as serious and effective?" No answer beyond rather identical diversions. "I can't say...I'm not prepared to...if you have a specific concern...send in a report..."

Yeah, maybe I should take up tennis or waste a day sending a missive that disappears into the bowels of bureaucracy, is dismissed or at best get me a nice form letter. Or I get arrested for looking into terrorism seriously for over eight years and noticing gee, that it does indeed connect with a very particular religion. Guess which one and win a prize! Yeah, a fucking brain!

I asked if an actual citizen can actually ever get to meet one on one say, any of the faceless drones of the alleged security apparatus? Nope. No dice. Not for the plebs. Simply not done, old boy. All hush hush. Mum's the word. Fall of Singapore and all that. They just accept "reports". Quite. Well, accept one up your nose with a garden hose then.

I could kinda tell that they may never have had ANYONE, ever call their bluff and say gee, is this a joke, are you crap and it's not all a parody, right? Guess not. I had a rather strong feeling too, that they were suppers upon the tit of The Idiot Age newspaper, the ABC and so on. No, really. All the dreary and miserable ineffective fantasy boxes were being ticked off as they driveled in faux response. They said send in any suspicions. All righty then. I will. Yes I said, here's a few.

That on your entire site you never mention the enemy by name. And yet you mysteriously state later that any connecting of terror with any religion is false, wrong and against the law. Gee, who mentioned religion? You did! Coincidence right? Arrest yourself.

By default, any citizen that studies terror seriously using any of the many major best selling books, journals, papers and websites both official, media and private supplying a profound empirical evidential Himalaya on the subject of golly, terror, would have to arrest themselves for noting the bleeding obvious. Gee, suspicious? Hezbollah and Marxist Left flags flying in the CBD is kinda suspicious. And here's my post on that very subject with that fun photo that describes so much about the multiculti dream come true.

The Age newspaper running pieces by Jew hating Islamists and Marxist Leftard traitors and self-loathing Left Jews on a regular basis is suspicious. Even politicians and Police...Yep, suspicious. The ABC, SBS and our universities employing and paying the same people to propagandise the same is again, suspicious.

That none of the major best selling empirical books by well known and respected analysts, writers and journalists on the subject of terror are in the public mind or in the media at all really, is suspicious again. And that anyone who aids or supports in writing, words, actions, deeds or financially etc, is clearly guilty of piracy ie: terrorism, according to the 300 year old international laws of piracy of which Australia is a signatory. And not a single action has been taken on this when offences occur 24/7. Yep, suspicious.

To the Attorney Generals P.A, I said that I was not impressed with the curiously female public face of our silly security services cos' they just won't answer serious questions and just hang up. She answered "I hope you don't include me?"

Oh no, I said. I'm still talking to you obviously. She then proceeded to not answer any serious question and hung up! So yes, you're silly too so you really included yourself, didn't you? Apparently receptionists do a security analysis and profile ad hoc on the phone, make a conclusion and hang up and that's good enough? No name, number or shoe size. Yep, I have suspicions of someones stupidity and on a shocking scale. And all this time I thought it was me!

I wanted to ask if there was ANYONE, anyone at all at the rather absurd and oxymoronic named NS and ASIO that was truly intelligent, honest, informed and had read a book lately if at all, but I didn't get the chance. Big deal. It's just a matter of our life and death. I imagine they all have bunkers. They were absolutely bunkers! Boom tish! Only one didn't hang up on me so kudos to one of the women at the NS. Not much though, is it? It's a little like the embarrassing Chaser prank at the meeting of world boobs. We have to play along that the expensive security and fancy dress with all the right phraseology, is reflective of any known reality and oh so effective, when it ain't when slightly tested.

It's like the dope who thinks they can counter and fight and then you easily just slap them. "I wasn't ready!" they invariably say. That's the whole point, Jim.

The inauthentic fool never is ready. What a joke. See how unprepared the authorities were for the bushfires? They let Marxist Green Leftard policies run rampant for years with an entirely predictable and hideous result. And golly, no warning to thousands. Yeah, it was all Global Warmings fault. Give me a fucking break with that global $cam and uber gravy train.

When the first terrorist attack breaks through in Australia, and by the law of averages they will, they'll say "...no one could have known it would be so er, surprising! We must review! We must wack off!" Hey, just have another interfaith dialogue, bub. It's a great way spread Islam, which again, is entirely coincidental. Oops! I accidentally connected a religion to terror! Don't worry, Islam is not a religion. It's a political project and a total nihilist ideology founded by a pervert and psychopath. Nope, it's not the Attorney General. Think 7th century desert tribal assassin lunatics.

Oh yes, its just come to me! I remember which religion now and who those terrorists are that commit over 95% of global violence. It's ISLAM and they're MUSLIMS. Gee, arrest those bigots at the offical US government National Counter Terrorism Centre now for slandering the people who just happen to be Muslims of Al Qaeda!

Golly gosh and jeepers creepers! I must call the National Security Lukewarmline and ASIO and let them know! ASIO, the Australian Stupid Idiot Organisation. Or maybe I won't and save fifty cents. I'm gonna need it to build my underground headquarters in the High Sierras before the whole shithouse comes down. Here's a thought. If you really care about the millions and millions of ordinary Muslims in Islamic states and elsewhere and many of us do, well maybe it'd be a good idea to be honest about Islam and terror? Take them at their word and actions for example? Crazy enough to work.

And these human beings have no choice where it's invariably compulsory to be a Muslim, and dangerous to be otherwise. And even dangerous to be a Muslim, or not enough or the wrong kind etc, etc, etc. Thus they're victims too of one mans insanity. Thus faithfreedomorg is run by ex-Muslims and others. Yep, save the Muslims. No, the PC don't seem to mind what happens there as long as we don't point it out. How snug. Anyone for official idiocy? You be the judge. God help us all. Still, it's a larf, innit? Not much lately.