Wednesday, 30 January 2008

Green Left Weekly Prints Rhetoric Free Edition On Postage Stamp.



In case of media scrum, point in the air and pull back side bolt.


[Scroll down for my many a fun-filled maybe not so fake news headlines.] Sometime during 2007, the The Age er, 'newspaper' advertised that they were looking for new cartooning talent! Riiight, sure they were. What a coincidence! I'm not looking for new cartooning talent either. So, I sends in me vastly superior scrawls, ahoy! The matron handling this phony pantomime was actually very nice. She said my stuff was interesting, original, funny, exciting and entertaining. In short, none of the things they were looking for. So no dice.

Quite a surprise, eh? About as surprizing as the ABC's 7:30 Report.

She asked me what I thought about their long term cartoonist, Michael Leunig. As I was only in the early stages of grovelling for the potential to non-existent um, position, I was very Diplomatic. I avoided saying things like what a neurotic, spittle flecked, repetitive, twisted and boring leftist nitwit freak the eager Israel and Jew-hating Leunig is. But I would never say that. I guess these are the current specs for, and I kid you not, a "National Treasure". I would've been bitter if I could've gotten over the boredom of bothering at all. Aah, but I was like a foolish young schoolgirl.

"Love me! Publish me! And pay me!"

Hey, around the same time as this non-career move, Instapudit from pajamasmedia "Instalanched" me! It was Saturday 30 September 2007. I remember it well. I'd just come back from safari and my head man Kawili, informed me that there had been some lion trouble at a local village. Lifting my rifle and reaching for my propeller hat, I...

Er, no. That young Glenn Reynolds lad is incredible, is he not? I dedicate this post to Glenn and Doc Roper at gmroper. The Doc graciously quoted a line of mine on his banner head from an old post, titled "I am the Ghost of the Endless Sadness of the Ordinary People". The quote is "Peace and freedom come only through superior firepower, not absurd and suicidal ideas of 'inclusiveness' regards your mortal enemy".

I also direct ya'll to John Ray at his brilliant blog called 'dissectleft'. And hey, he does just that. He nicely linked to me and of course, everyone is all in the swingin' and groovy links. Dissectleft ties in perfectly with Dr Sanity. Yep, there is also er, sometimes, the Australian newspaper. It's 40% readable!

Speaking of conservative folks and er "right wing bastards" like me, check out one of Australia's station wagon full of conservative and semi-conservative pundits and columnist's, Andrew Bolt. Old Andy is often called a "Fascist!" by the ironically mob-mentality left axis of mediocrity. Curiously, such default ad hominem's are usually made in absentia of having actually read him.

My personal favorite Australian columnist is Iowahawk pal Tim Blair, regularly praised by Mark Steyn.

Andy a fascist you say? Who knew? Of course he is, dear. Worse than 10,000 Hitler's. Only last night Bolty and I arrested 15,000,000 people, shipped 'em of to the Siberian Gulags, expanded the government to enormous totally controlling proportions, and nationalized all industries like er, socialists.

Without fail, spoiled, affluent twerps screeching "racist! fascist! kiosk attendant" is your virtual scientific proof that in reality, said twits have neither proof nor reality on their side. And relentlessly familiar turf for the enormous talents at the peoples cube.

Andrew is a surprisingly shy, decent, intelligent individual - a hard working often courageous family guy and is more often right than wrong, which is not bad for someone who is a bit of a dilettante and actually a semi-conservative. Nonetheless, like a lot of mature adults he admits the facts of life are relentlessly conservative. He's online with a cool blog and forum, is great value and can be found twice a week at the odd little tabloid newspaper, the Herald Sun in Melbourne. One can often read the Sun's entire news section before you get your change.

One of the hardest working journalist's in Australia, [there's about eight] - good old Bolt beat me to it and posted some of the following fake news headlines under the cool header of "Just the fact's, Ma'am". Thanks Andy. How does he do it all? I have enough trouble doing my laundry.

"Colonel Robert Neville discovers headlines to amaze". Andrew Bolt.

But there's the rub, boyo. The Herald Sun often has some nice supplement's. And as tabloid's often seem to do in the midst of their relentless churning of the grist for the mill, still manage in their cheap way to reflect a little more of the ordinary people's desires and fear's than say, the regularly unreadable The Age. Because for The Aged, that would be so, gauche.

Editor in Chief of a dying medium: "Cartoon's, eh? You say you write as well? Yes, they're all very nice uh, Colonel Nibble is it? But I'm afraid it's not really what we're looking for here at blank pages of The Age newspaper. Or as we like to call it, The People's Glorious Broadsheet!' 

Here at Bunkumville, we're very firmly committed to the cutting edge of the excitingly average, the incompetent yet shallow, the delightfully biased and the entirely predictable. Add a charming sheen of professional slowly bankrupting dullness, and wow - it's something! Of course, many of our contributors and employees are indeed highly professional bores. Many with over three years of tedious and whacko 'journalism qualifications' under their cheap vinyl belts. 

Quite frankly, we believe in tradition, like the tradition of pretty much always favoring the same old Left dullards. And why not? That's the demandingly high standards of the art of journalism in Oz, I'm afraid. And you just don't measure down, er, up you see? Oh yes, she's a harsh Mistress is the old hackery. 

Now, if only you could be as stupid, bigoted, bereft, deluded, backdated, clueless and plain crazy as say our cartoonist, Michael Leunig for example, or as comfortably smug, nihilist and gleefully spiteful as our wonderfully pudding-faced  Catherine Deveny, then we could talk. Yep, yapping ad nauseum, see? Yap, yap, yap, yap".

Colonel Neville: "I'll give it my best shot!" 

Remember folks, your mind can be saved even after university.




A Load Of Old Fake News Headlines. [Ain't they nearly all?]


Kitchen sink drama actually about kitchen sink.

Child prodigy violin ensemble filled with kiddie fiddlers.

Serious art film director makes 'real life' drama about diarrhoea.

Activist admits to having no real interest in 'the people' just hates parents.

Alcoholic street beggar spends money on pie not liquor.

Bangladeshi man receives telemarketing call from Australia during a convenient time at own request.

Fifty percent of child bride marriages end in divorce due to immaturity and senility.

Unattractive man finds bathroom mirror reflection unattractive.

Woman accuses deaf, blind and mute husband of being argumentative.

Worlds most boring man enjoys own company.

Successful expatriate expresses humility and gratitude to home country.

Achievement of Che the child killer Guevara discovered.

Girlfriend’s drawer contains no ugly menstrual underwear.

The Age newspaper not dull and entirely predictable. “The Age newspaper is not dull and entirely predictable” says Editor.

Obnoxious bar drunk draws line at making loud song requests of pianist.

Bogans ask cover band to stop playing AC/DC and Cold Chisel songs.
[Cold Chisel were a very successful working class R&B rock band, that were extremely musically competent and talented. Hence, they were mostly always profoundly unpopular with inner-city hipsters et al. Being a fan may become an ironic pose at any time and conversely, "Chisel!" may become extremely popular for several weeks with said groovers. A bogan is a working class guy whose only crimes are being unfashionable and clueless regards the contemporary.]


Couple in long-term relationship never break wind in front of each other.

Conceptual artist concedes the concept of audience conceiving enjoyment and understanding worth considering.

Rare tawny owl legitimate reason for bulldozing woodland.

Good looks of otherwise conceited and vacuous girl still satisfying after two months.

Entire high school staff well dressed in contemporary fashions.

Magician makes instant coffee.

Four year-old not amused by loud flatulence.

Dreadlocks at private school worn by actual Jamaican.

Entire Latin American road system now chicken truck free.

Hyperbole mostly exaggerated.


Monkey at zoo maintains dignity.

Goat at Satanic ritual replaced with parrot.

Fugitive outlaws find Mexican village, mission and church all in good repair but no plaintive guitars.

Radical aware of empirical difference between Prime Minister and Hitler.

Protester has nothing to complain about personally.

Irish priest neither jovial nor taciturn.

No zoot suits worn on Skid Row.

Leftist admits to living in comfortable democracy not fascist dictatorship.

Violent ‘Eat the rich’ protests in city do not leave private schools deserted.

Teenage Goth prefers Hawaii.

Cavalry’s arrival worsens situation.

Vandal buys private property complains about graffiti.

David Irving fabricated past decency.

People in kitchen at parties most light-hearted.

Former President just older not a statesman.

Former Prime Minister silent.


Left comedian finds performing to a predominantly left audience ‘challenging’.

Chaser World Tour ridiculing Islam cancelled due to death of entire cast.
[The Chaser is a satirical left leaning ABC TV show.]

Chasers World Tour ridiculing Christianity cancelled due to indifference and Dave Allen Tour.

World improving since brick thrown through fast food chain window by student protester.

Over 99% of statistics are meaningless.

48% of people have some point of difference to the other 52%.

Most cases of neglect are negligible.

The average life expectancy of aborted babies has remained stable.

One in three people feel the odd one out.

Most younger siblings find constant wedgies confidence building.

Cat entering front door without hesitation shows no signs of aloofness.

Talking parakeet in comedy film not dubbed.

Light-hearted passage found in Russian novel.


French film not about French.

Italian film uses coherent dialogue sparingly and when relevant.

Hong Kong movie stays in single genre.

Indian film needs to be seen in sequence.

English film confident and positive about being English.

Swedish film light-hearted and entertaining.

Israeli film from 1960’s found not starring Topol.

Australian film watched.

Japanese film not crazy.

Welsh film.

No Maoris in violent New Zealand film.

Documentary hopes to not change or effect anything.

Recipient of government grant loves government.

Advertisement clearly explains limits of product.

Teenage diary filled with insight, inspiration and compassion for parents.

No irrational contributors to newspaper letters page.


Communist writes business plan.

Pop musician says that economic policy and geopolitics are beyond his abilities.

Yes man fails to impress Boss.

Middle-management challenges status quo.

Lower level employee advances due to constructive criticism and new ideas.

Middl-aged dad fails to comment on kid feeling like an ice cream.

Middle-aged dad’s life empty of corrosive criticism and filled with incredible sex.

TV network hires talented innovator indefinitely.

Artist inspired by the mundane compromises of life.

Clones reaching consensus on cloning want more clones, more clones, more clones.

Group of female friends finds focus on gossip and complaining tedious and limiting.

Weekly women’s magazine talks science, geo-politics and poses philosophical questions.

Bob Brown talks in depth.
[Ecofascist Australian Green's Party nitwit yet fraudulent ex-leader.]

Bob Ellis rational, coherent and sober.
[Old, addled, verbose, fucked-up Australian Labour Party drunk.]

Peter Garret silent after dumping dated rhetoric, hyperbole and party line.
[Ex-wooden front man of Oz rock band, now a more entertaining Labor Party man in charge of Department of Burning Down Houses and Electrocuting People to Death.].


Movie star researches facts on pet hobby horse.

Friday night Chapel Street Commodore contains female.
[Popular Melbourne inner-city street and lout magnet. A Commodore is the oft favored four-door sedan of said louts.]

Friday night cruise cars mostly driven by the mature and intelligent.

Working-class suburbs mullet free.

Inner-city no longer smug and condescending.

Inner-city opinions entirely connected to real world.

Sean Penn shows patriotism and gratitude to USA not Latin American despot.

Sean Penn stops beating girlfriend takes on passing teamsters.

Hollywood stars held accountable for past statements and actions.

Jane Fonda no longer neurotically inclined to treason: “I want to be remembered as Washington Jane” says Fonda.

Susan Sarandon not an addled old tart says Sarandon: “I’m going to stop this illegal war and logically I’ll support putting the Baathists back in power by showing my breasts at the March for Peace through Comfortably Affluent Delusion, Treason and Stupidity” said Susan.

Michael Leunig does cartoon condemning Islamic terrorism and communist dictatorships.

Michael Leunig dumps street wino look corduroy and jumper set. “Let’s face it. I look like a crazy, deluded, indulged and indulgent old fool. I’m gonna get some great adult style guidance from Carson Kressley” said Mike.

Michael Leunig not looking like an elderly Jewish woman woken at 3:AM.

Bono not the focus of pointless political leader meetings.

Bono and U2 finances not entirely in Bahamas tax haven. “That would make me a celebrity hypocrite and a phony” said Bono.

Bob Geldof caring and tactful to people he has actually met.”I realised that acting the sour and world weary pop star doesn’t hide the fact that I’m a very successful sour and world weary businessman” said Bob.

Parkinson finds celebrity guests anti Bush rhetoric not funny. “Two out of three guests say the same predictable stuff so I have to fake it to laugh at all” said Michael.

Critics of capitalism not supported entirely by capitalism.

Socialised medicine great for patients.

Brain drain stops due to drain clogged with brains says plumber.

Japanese sense of humor trials to begin.

1 comment:

umulisa said...

hey colonel, I just put up a piece about the presidential race and the unconstitutionality of so much of its rhetoric, hope ya like it.