You'll always find default positions at parties.

During the party, she said I was Right wing. Well, being a Leftard would be "Over my cold vodka and ice!"


Dear Sports: This is as the old song goes, a reply to a woman I met in the kitchen at a party. Which shows how popular I am. It's a post from Wednesday 11 July 2007. She thought I was, for a little while, a witty and charming chum that she wanted to get to know a little more. Now I know how little. Sadly, this all ended when she realised to her middle-aged and Kos kid horror, that I wasn't exactly like her, meaning exactly like a moon bat. The idea of actually meeting an actual Conservative as opposed to an abstraction seemed beyond my host. But then, finding a clean glass seemed beyond my host.

Sure, it's rough, but that's how I get my kicks. I never said I was one of those always pathetically nice Christians. I see myself more as a 'praise the Lord, pass the ammo and the vicious, crushing sarcasm type'...the best kind. Lord knows the world needs it. God bless Peter Cook and Dudley Moore!


Well, initially she wanted me to write on her website. Yep, a tragically Left Twilight Zone, kids. So I wrote something, she read it and it was goodbye from her! So long and au revoire to "diversity and tolerance". I forgot that means of their opinions only. Still, these kinda dopes are great sources of material. Ah, what ya gonna do?


Dear Lissa:

Gee, thanks for your kind and thoughtful reply to my efforts. As you said of me in your generous two lines, "...you're kinda intense, hey". And you may even write to me. Wow. I’ll put it in my diary. You really don’t have to bother, trust me. So, you’d prefer the company of celery? Or you’re kinda incapable of any er, 'intensity'? Whatever. Hey.

In reply, er, no. That's called writing. It's what intelligent and witty people sometimes known as writers, do. Even I’ve been known to do it. I thought I was just sending a humorous, worthwhile and kinda light piece to you. Guess not, eh? Didn't you give me your card, ask me to please give you a call and, "...we’ll organize a dinner party etc", and "Let’s do a musical and save the theatre!"

Maybe I could even write something too, you said merrily. Doesn't it make sense that I would well, 'write' to you?

Can't say I wasn't embarrassed and uncomfortable at your peculiar non-response. I thought from what you said that you appreciated a mature, talented, energetic, generous, warm, courageous and alive person, or even someone like me. I’m sure you mean well. Maybe you are a writer. You certainly managed to express a lot with so little. Or is that less with more, or more or less? Who knows? It’s a shame, as I did like you. Oh, well. What can you do? There’s trouble everywhere. Have you seen the cost of driveway gravel lately? It's an outrage!

Hey, maybe if you researched some obviously better examples of writing than me, to put it mildly. Like I dunno…P.J O'Rourke, Mark Twain, Mark Steyn, Oscar Wilde, Emile Zola, Spike Milligan, Peter Hitchens, Hemingway, Albert Camus, Plato, Walt Whitman, F. Scott Fitzgerald, Henry Miller, Truman Capote, Gore Vidal and Clive James or whoever etc, etc... Any one of 'em would show that it’s not that unusual to write or act with a kind of er, vitality. This is especially true if one has something um, individual, original and fully developed to say, with a natural dynamic to offer and the immediate ability to express it. I should be so lucky.

Didn't you say you were interested in writing, indeed that you were a writer? You don't need to answer that question. I've seen your site. A heart warming and wonderful parody. I really liked the 'right on' nihilism thing you got going there, rolling along on its little porridge-like wheels. It’s all so delightfully undergraduate, a kind of 'non' site. It's non this and non that. It's daringly regular surface post, modern! Yeah, it's a real thrill to see another thousand neo-MoveOn kids bravely fighting their deluded "BushHitlerCheney" fantasies. Er, no. Yawn.

Good for you girl, in sticking to your guns and not demonstrating what your site actually is. Crazy. It takes a lot of courage to put your own self out there with alternatively amorphous to absurd theories and the usual boilerplate.

"I don’t need any self-critique! I’m a Saint!" Good for you.

Should content have er, content? Not really. Out with passé ideas such as depth and wit, I say! Out damn plot! Down with the patriarchy of light and shade and er, entertainment! Who needs 'em?! Entertainment is so bourgeoisie, don’t you think? How much stale, badly written, rambling, amazingly incoherent and by the numbers amorphous polemic can people stomach? On the Left, reams of it apparently. What do I know? What do I care? Knock yourself out, I say.

You don’t see any internal contradictions say, between the sensitive neo-mountain earth Mother, Lady of the Lake and lost ski instructor thing you’ve got going on, and the harsh hatreds of the usual Left Liberal Fascism to those that are not approved of? In some parts it’s very hard to know where the contempt for fellow citizens and institutions end, and the self-loathing begins. Maybe it doesn't.

Some of your links were occupied by to quote Mark Steyn, “people who live in a fantasy life completely supported by the system that they despise”.

It all seemed either assembled from a kit while stoned and half asleep, or in a kind of semi-catatonia. It’s just got to, Mister!

One of your links may even be the ‘missing link’, though not as sophisticated. If someone doesn’t value enough about their own culture, are they really capable of understanding or appreciating another?

My wife is Japanese and my son is half Western and half Japanese. I've lived in Japan and I have not yet met a Japanese who didn’t value and respect much of their own culture, maybe sometimes too much of it, with it’s attributes and flaws. Indeed that unique, weird and cute 'Japaneseness' is central to who they are. They genuinely like, admire and are fascinated by other cultures, especially places like the United States and Australia, to the discomfort of those of a Leftish pose. Maybe some folks need to find out who they really are. No, I mean really.

I don't know your site intimately and I imagine there may be worthwhile stuff on there, but l’ll never know, as I just couldn’t go on. So at a certain point of endurance, I didn’t. It was either that or get out the cyanide capsule. Yep, it was mostly unreadable, insufferable and humourless and filled with available anywhere, PC 'Earth Mother' bilge water, to radical and extremist guff.

A little more nuance would have helped this reader to cut through the treacle of, how do I say this without being rude? Fatuous platitudes. It's easy and common these days, to use the facade of 'moral vanity'. Maybe you’re serious? Maybe they are! Ok.

"Let’s give it to the man! Burn down the Deans office! Anyone for Reiki and Rolfing?"

I can hear the out of time, 'Welfare State Financed' drum circle from here.

Isn’t this lack of adult thinking skills normally left behind with acne and earnest Student Union ‘crisis’ meetings? Do you edit at all? Obviously plenty of the links don’t. I guess you don’t have to when everything that comes out must be pure gold, because they are after all, the right views to have. Left ones, right? Have you tried reading your writing and some of these links out loud, without frightening the pets and children?

Lissa my dear, such material has the light touch and fluidity of a German jazz band. It's about as fresh and inspiring as a 1975 issue of Rabelais, the old University mag. As they say, maybe there are a lot of unresolved parental issues? Maybe they should, "...go up North and get their heads together, man!"

There was a lot of faux tolerance talk about bigotry. What that means is that everybody should be free to have your views, however default Left bigoted and intolerant you are, right?

Yes! They are there! You just can’t see 'em if you know that you can’t be wrong. That’s for other people. Where’s the quality control, or can anyone join as long as they adopt the same old oppositional stances, no matter how extreme, immature, neurotic, untested, and irresponsible or groupthink it is? Sure, there's a bad side too. Can’t allegedly good works be performed without the group drivel and rhetoric? Maybe try shifting that paradigm.

So often, those who don’t accept the whole square package of fashionable Left ennui and hubris, are nearly always thought of as just not good people, especially not as good as you are and their views are naturally, always without value. It’s a riot of irony. It’s easy to be tolerant of people and things that you like, agree with, or are neither responsible for nor connected to.

I should have taken the hint and moved away quickly away when I told you I was not interested in fitting into the box of the Left. It just ain't that interesting or effective among other things, such as the Left being boring, embarrassing and mostly stupidly wrong. Then you replied I believe, with something like, "That's alright, we sometimes have right-wing writers!" Right.... That's so deliciously polarized, I wish I had brought my Polaroid and captured the moment.

You seem to think you are going to do me some kind of big favour by replying. So maybe just don't, on both counts. I do wish you well whatever treatment you choose. Oh, the Hannity!

Sincerely, Colonel Neville.

Excellent Comrade Australian of the Year.

Excellent Comrade Tim Flannery, is excited about the future youth marching to the glorious single drum of Leftard Enviro-Fascism! And he has a plan...



Hey, Tim Flannery and his creepy vision certainly makes my heart race, and I’m not even an ‘Australian of the Year!' He is though. It's true! Which is exactly how Tim ‘Flummery’ Flannery, the local enviro-loon actually introduced himself. This was in the very first line of a piece for Tuesday February 19 2008, in Melbourne’s foremost undergraduate broadsheet, 'The Age'. I quote from the first line, first paragraph:

“As Australian of the Year for 2007, I got to talk to a lot of University students…” Really? Why? Humble and nuanced, eh? So you've noticed that he's 'Australian of the Year?' Hmmm? Just checkin'. Hey, Australian of the Year! So er, what are the rest of us then? Not Australian's of the Year, that's for sure...

Tim the eager pedlar of Leftist bunko scams and first class passenger on the Global Warming Gravy Train, said he was “...astonished about their [the kids] depth of knowledge of environmental issues…” It's always about the children. Nice.

Er, read that as indoctrination of your childen with bog standard enviro-Leftard ideology. Um, I’d be astonished if after over thirty years of Left infected education, most kids didn’t think exactly like juvenile David Suzuki’s. Another control freak Leftard who wants to jail any politician who dares to question his fraudulent money spinning views on the trick of Global Warming. Diamond Dave recently travelled the US with five people in a luxury 30 seater diesel bus, cos it worked out best er, cash wise. Hey, don’t forget the first class jet travel, Suzy! Don't worry, he won't.

"Give me four years to teach the children and the seed I have sown will never be uprooted." Lenin.

According to the Tim, “…they understood how…unsustainable practices were robbing them of their future”. Er, no. What proof he may have for such mega bunk, Tim neglects to supply. Like all of the shrill Left, Tim just throws out these vast statements of faux doom and let’s ‘em hang. Only a “Fascist!” wants proof. Er, would that be a predictive by definition kind of future? Ah bets ittiz...How does one contradict the future?

Ya can't! A brilliant Leftism tactic! For Tim and his ilk, certainly not with anything rational. Here's a link to some very interesting and rational dissent from the eco-party line, which received about zero exposure in the MSM.

"There are three kinds of lies: lies, damned lies, and statistics." Mark Twain. [Attributed to Benjamin Disraeli.]


Um, for decades the Left said that everyone could and must have a material workers paradise and that Socialism was the only ideology that could deliver it. The Left said Capitalism could never do this. Once Communism and Socialism ended in their natural and utter failure, delivering nothing but mass murder, conformity, lies, spite and madness except for the great Communist success of murdering 100 million people, they had to get a new angle.

Capitalism continues its incredible success at delivering quadrupled food production, health, freedom, wealth, security, the free exchange of ideas and civil government etc. So hey presto! Now its material wealth and consumption that is now er, bad! And it’s destroying the planet! Er, no. The premise is rubbish, a fraud and series of big lies, because it’s all merely a disguise for Left Liberal and radical control freakery via institutions, state power and the indoctrination of our children.

People like Tim can amazingly get up and virtually say that poverty and all the death, misery and destruction it entails, is an entirely more sustainable concept than the creation of wealth and all the innovation, creativity and success that comes from this and only this. Hey, as long as he doesn’t have to live it, eh?

"The aim of the school must be to give the student, beginning with the first sign of intelligence, a grasp of the notion of the State." Adolf Hitler.

Tim notes in the reverse mirror mentality he inhabits, that teachers “were giving in depth classes on climate change, biodiversity loss and the food and water crisis”. Gee, what a surprise. Any dissenting views allowed? You know, like that “diversity of opinion” the Left loves to toot about when it’s not bleating disingenuously about having their ‘truth’ oppressed. Where exactly does that ever happen regularly, Kos kids? And yet, Tim says that this is not enough and the kids are “sceptical” of their er, teacher’s! The irony and group delusion thickens.

Hey, you reckon that the water "Crisis!" maybe has anything to do with enough water going down the Mitchell River over a 24 hour period in 2007, to supply all of Melbourne for six months, but minus the damn dams to catch it all? Gotta appease those Gaia Gods, eh? Gee, not much of a water shortage in the Queensland and NSW floods, Tim. Riight, so Global Warming causes drought and flooding and er, everything in between? Check. Its a pretty servicable old 'crisis' innit? But that's why the Left chose the fraud of 'Climate Change' you see...

“Please accept my regret for my transgression Comrade. In return I will promise to be ever more vigilant than ever with Party procedure. Trust Me”. An Excellent Comrade at the Peoples Cube.

The source of the Junior Red Brigades anger was the teacher’s dealing with the reality of er, money. Not buying enough solar panels, wind turbines and Che the child killer posters fast enough.

Sayeth the Flummery, it was, with the teacher's targeted for group criticism, a case of “do as I say, not as I do”. You mean like Al 'private Gulf Stream jet, twenty times the average power usage, private limousine and his directing of work to his own company regards the massive fraud of the carbon credit scam' Gore? Ya mean like that, Tim? Tim’s doing very well out of Global Warming: the biggest con in history. “It was a deeply disturbing experience”, said Tim.

Er, Timmy, what is truly disturbing for free individuals, is the avalanche of manure from the Logical Fallacy challenged. What is terrifying is watching ideology pushing Socialist Leftoids getting their relentless way with their lust for endless social engineering via our children.

"Education is a weapon whose effects depend on who holds it in his hands and at whom it is aimed.” Stalin.

Tim is at core, like all Left enviro-freaks, kind of bipolar ideologue swinging from daffy Utopian hallucinations to doom frothing miserable bastard. They’re all like this it seems. Why don’t more people notice that these people are fanatics and obsessives that you’d normally avoid on the street?

"You young people, full of vigour and vitality, are in the bloom of life, like the sun at eight or nine in the morning. Our hope is placed on you." Mao.

Tim is “…outraged at how badly the previous generations have handled matters”.

First, note the Year Zero arrogance, the bloated dismissal of billions of people for not following the current Party Line. This stuff says everything you need to know, about the perpetual child's tantrum that is the true Totalitarian face of Left Liberal Fascism, like Tim’s.

The Left want to control everything and everyone, and all they need is total control of the state to do it. So every previous generation was pretty much a total bunch of loser's, according to Flannery. Yep, winning WWII and the Cold War, the Renaissance, the Enlightenment, the Industrial Revolution, Human Rights, vast wealth creation, freedom, technology, health, art, film, music etc. Yep, they got it all so wrong, eh Timbo? Balls.

That's right. There's nothing good or essential about electricity, indoor plumbing, surgery, medicine, dentistry, sanitation, roads, refrigeration, childcare, human rights, transport, technology, welfare, freedom to travel, doubling of life expectancy, peadiatrics, obstetrics, free press, television, film, freedom of expression and artistic exchange, no free exchange of ideas, vastly improved housing and conveniences etc, etcetera. Not if Tim had his way. Nope, it's either all a plot or taken for granted in idiot land.

Somehow, I don't have confidence that Tim could even run a corner store. These jokers glibly talk about reducing emissions by 2050 by er, 90%! Riight. And increasing their own ego and moral vanity inflated gas emmissions by a 1000%...

Here are a few real big surprises for you, sports. Er, no. Not really. Tim was at University in the 1970’s! Who woulda thought it?!

And he says we “still remember our outrage at Whitlam’s dismissal”. Quite. As long as you ain't living in a stale past then. No outrage at Whitlam’s utter incompetence, arrogance, or his neo-Emperor law passing style? Gough passed over forty laws by writing them on bits of paper and er, passing them! No need for boring old Senate scrutiny and Constitutional process, eh? Nope, not if you’re a “Man of the People”, because if you're Left, you are the people!

“Today the big issues for many students are almost all environmental”. TF.

Er, no. If they are, we’re all as doomed as the Chinese proletariat being forced at gunpoint, to focus day and night only on making pig steel in their backyard kilns.

“Onward with the Glorious People’s Great Leap Forward!”

So there are no other distinct subjects at school now? No separate disciplines? It's all a mixed salad of ideological rabble, eh? Oh, I get it. What Tim means is the old method of making every single subject a mere vehicle for Leftist propaganda. The way every subject can be absurdly bent to the will of being a crazy prism for er, "women's studies". Even engineering, quantum physics, accounting and finger painting.

"Defeat the inherent patriarchy and aggression of the Universe, now!"

Gee, maybe teach kid's about how Capitalist Democracy actually works and why it works so well. Or maybe teach 'em about their manipulation by the MSM, radical ideologues and other crimes? A little examination and analysis of Tim's true motives or track record could work wonders.

Hey, don't examine my trail of failure! But of course, that's why I don't put myself up for Enviro-Kommisar positions of power and influence like Timmy.

I love this bit from tiny minded Tim. “There’s a certain perversity in teaching about the dangers of climate change in classrooms lit and powered by the wasteful burning of the very fossil fuel that is causing the problem”. Er, where to start Fisking Tim’s intellectual wasteland of illogic? And he’s a ‘Professor?!’ Sure he is. Another meaningless title, sans any discernible sense of Quality Control.

You can really see that there is as per usual, no end point for Tim’s sourly massive activism or those like him. They are dangerous and destructive radicals covering themselves in the smiley face tactics of the big lies of the Left. Its collective Socialism by stealth,just like Britain and France.

Teaching in rooms with electric light is not a conspiracy, stupid. It’s called real life and er, it's ordinary. It’s not perverse to be like the norm, but abnormal to find the ordinary perverse. Every academic and ideologue should try reality at least once. So it’s "wasteful?” So we should keep oil to use at a later date? Hey, Tim doesn’t use electricity or any of the couple of hundred thousand oil based products? Maybe Tim wrote his column on a piece of bark using ochre and delivered it to ‘The Age’ office naked, except for a stylish covering of leaves and dirt? It's the Nimbin Tuxedo!

Tim the well tenured freak, is a bog standard comfortable critic of the West. What he really hates is Capitalism, and the choices and individual freedoms only it and Democracy brings. Because with economic freedom, no-one needs to really listen to a fool and a phoney like Tim. Unless they're well balanced merely because they have a chip on both shoulders. That’s why these people always target the very young, sports.

As Mark Steyn said, Tim is “living in a fantasy life completely supported by the system he despises”.

"My object in life is to dethrone God and destroy capitalism." Karl Marx.

The rest of Flannery’s hideous article mostly concerns the indignant and juvenile breath holding of various professional and middle-aged to Kos kid brats. There’s Tim’s Left style and smiley face Totalitarian control freak plan’s for public mass criticism of school’s, business’s and individual’s etc. Meaning those who are not correct Comrade’s to the eco party line. According to Tim, publicising dissident attitudes would be a really neato “…spur to action”.Tim believes that “...such information should be published in a newspaper such as ‘The Age”. Riiight.

Let's get out the conical hats and get the tumbrels ready, now! Ain't it great if we can get kids to rat on their parent's and teacher's to the local Kommisar, for their anti-environmental crimes?

“Root out and destroy Capitalist Counter Revolutionary Railroaders!”

The last paragraph is a classic of sub-Mao student union madness and a wonderful exposure of the economic Leftard nincompoop mind of Tiny Tim; the mental, moral and irrational cripple.

“I cannot imagine money being better spent in the pursuit of fast, steep emissions reductions…” Tim Flannery.

Yep, I bet ya can’t. Read as other people’s money. Hey, for a Leftard, every one of their fashionable Utopian hysterias must happen ASAP. Its just gotta, Mister! The Left are nothing if not entirely reckless, thus the high body count.

Read his ideas as more poverty and death for Africa.

“..than harnessing the passions of youth by revealing the actions, as opposed to the words, of the elders”. TF, for too 'effing much.


As per usual, Tim is a kinda negative dude, kids. The chances of him turning up with a non-Leftist tract, that's not predictive, fashionable and curiously like old time religion doom saying, are about zero. Maybe Tim will distribute Roy Rosenzweig's book 'It''s Getting Better All the Time: 100 Greatest Trends of the Last 100 Years'. Er, no. It can't be about tradition, caution, proof or evidence.

Gotta keep pumping the old balloon of hysteria and those imagined enemies of the people for your own legitimacy, eh? Off ya go, Tim. They love ya at 'The Age', kid. They're sure to publish ya groovy 'Traitors to the Green Revolution Execution List'.


Er, Timbo's style of guff is a pure and standard freak out of indoctrination and mass conformity of the radical Leftist, Communist, Socialist, Nazi, Islamist, Totalitarian and Nationalist kind. Take ya pick, it's all pretty much the same in the end. Only the naive, the unresearched, the unread, those lacking in confidence, the indoctrinated or the wilfully deluded, swallow such rotten Leftist crap. Any complete individual will be naturally repelled by every bit of Left junk. Thus, you are the enemy...

It's some ugly, miserable and spooky shit by stealth, kids. Much like the Tim Flannery Show.

Tell ya whut, Tim, AKA Mr Enviro-Baldy, stay away from my kid.

Protester neglects to insult George Bush.

Protesters bringing the gift of understanding and fire at a recent 'Be Nice to Everybody' Peace Riot.


Dear sports, here's 'Request of the Week' from Tuesday 17 July 2007.


On Monday, Benjamin Smythe-Browne, undergraduate medical student and armed radical, began a day of activism with a crisis meeting at the Campus Student Union Revolutionary Socialist Workers Support Group and Polo Club, where logistic preparations for violent protests to demand a nicer world were made in earnest.

Travelling in a loud, abusive and 'right on' group via public transport, the gang of idealists performed various acts that were planned to show “solidarity with workers oppressed by the Capitalist Death Machine”. Smyth-Browne, or as he is known in biology lectures, ‘Comrade Benny’, exposed the hypocrisy of fellow commuters as “slaves to consumerism”, by urinating out the window.

His commitment to “world peace” was consolidated with a heavy black marker on the carriage interior with the simple words, “Viva Che!”, the famous revolutionary icon and child killer. Smythe-Browne and his chums later joined the main protest march, where they listened to speeches by internationally respected activists such as Henry “Da bomb” Crankstein, former felon and now the public face of the Baader Meinhoff Gang.

Inspired by Cranksteins calls to “bring down the capitalist pigsty economy” and replace it with what he termed a system of “the revolutionary distribution of wealth based on the ideals of basket weaving, drum circles, collective organic vegetable plots and plastic explosives”, Benjamin and his friends then proceeded to hurl trash cans and small children through the front windows of various fast food chains. The days festivities continued with the boys pushing over a transit van driver before torching him.

Smythe-Browne said that, “While I really feel that we achieved something today and not just for ourselves, but for everybody, I do feel some disappointment. I didn’t realise until we were back home, and luckily just in time for dinner, that I had completely forgotten to insult George Bush all day, even once! All of us did. No one mentioned it. I don’t know what happened or what went wrong”.

A puzzled Benjamin explained that he and all his friends’ usually only need to hear the words Bush, USA, the President or George, and they instantly respond with terms of abuse such as “Poo-poo face” or “Wee-wee pants” and even “Roger Whittaker fan”.

Said Smythe-Browne, “I can only tell you it won’t happen again. We can’t ignore the poor of the world in their desires for whatever it is that poor people want, or whatever”. With a concerned look and furrowed brow, Benjamin stated that, “Its certainly given me something to think about next week while I’m skiing in Aspen”.

The deliberately lost 'Goons Show' script impression!

The great and wonderful Goon Show was Spike Milligan, Peter Sellers and Harry Secombe. They are pictured here disguised as three leeks held by three anonymous BBC employees.


Dear Sports, here is my feeble attempt at a script in 'the style of' the Goon Show. The Goons were kind of the greatest radio comedy team of all time. They were free and self contained, thus they've not really dated a moment. I should be so lucky. Please send all your applause by registered truck in an unmarked bank account, Jim!



MC: The scene: The crumpled and waterlogged hideout of England’s most dangerous criminal librarian, Emil Pie and his naughty chum Berty Ankles, formerly the player of a concrete piano, but he couldn’t cut it. And now the story.


Emil: I’ve invented the barbed wire canoe! We’re free at last!

Bert: Why that’s ridiculous. Surely the water just pours in?

Emil: Not on land it won’t. In the sea, the water will run out again.

Bert: Well, lashed me to a packet of assorted breakfast cereals. You’ve thought of everything.

Emil: I knew I’d forgotten something! Aye, that’s the rub. That’s the rub…

Bert: Stop it!

Emil: We must leave England. I’m tired of being on the run I tell you.

Bert: Eat more fibre.

MC: The two wretched but decent murderers decide to leave their sodden secret hideout made of secretly made secret hides, to seek the secret advice of one Neville Plank , Former Scotland Flowerbox, now turned to crime and a curious shade of secret plaid, on forming a secret plan of escape to a secret destination.


[Emil knocking on impression of a secret door.] Emil: Hello Neville, we are here at your door.

Neville: Ah, Emil, how exasperating to see you. Here, have some of these delicious exasperries and cream. I curdled it myself.

Emil: No thank you Neville, I had a photograph of a trifle on the way here. What I want to say is…

Neville: And obviously you have. Now let’s get down to business, my dearest little physical apparition. Here, roll this policeman’s gazette between your knees and make yourself uncomfortable. Now, how can I help you?

Emil: How can you help me?

Neville: I just said that.

Emil: Thanks for the help.

Neville: Please, I’m getting a terrible headache. I think it was that sharp blow you gave me.

Emil: Sorry mate. It’s a nervous twitch.

Neville: How nice to meet you.

Bert: Thankyou.

Neville: Now listen carefully lads, your problem is a difficult one, but the answer is quite obvious.

Bert: How obvious?

Neville: Not that obvious.

Bert: You’re the boss, Nev!

Neville: As I was saying, how did you build your criminal library empire? By looting half the books in England!

Bert: So that’s why I can only read half a book!

Neville: Precisely. By hiding thousands of volumes between the pages of the Times, no one was the wiser. Don’t you see? I can get you both safely out of our sunny Isles the same way, and do the crossword puzzle at the same time.

Bert: As what?

Neville: As escape, my average height economy sized criminal duo.

Emil: Fantastic! Let’s go.

Neville: Not yet. Later…much Later. The timing must be absolutely precision perfect. [One second later.] So everything is ready lads. Quickly, inside page three and make yourselves comfortable. There isn’t a moment to lose. [Sounds of train and howling wind.] So here we are on a train heading for the coast. Nothing can stop us now. My plan is far too perfect and simple to fail.

Emil: Why couldn’t we sit inside?

Bert: I don’t like these sandwiches. My tea will go cold.

Neville: If you want to see real suffering, you should see 2nd class. Here, pour the tea down the front of your shirt, and the body warmth will stabilise the tea at the desired temperature. When you’re ready for some tiffin, you simply wring your string singlet back into your cup.

Bert: You’re so kind, Plank. Aaaaaargh! It’s scalding!

Neville: Of course, no one would scream like that otherwise. Yes, you’ve certainly convinced me.

MC: The lads settled in for the night lulled to sleep by the clickety clack of the public convenience, when they were suddenly awoken by the sound of a very copper voice. [Sound of very large flat feet.]


Copper: ‘Ere, what are you doing on the roof of this train? Where’s your first class ticket?

Neville: I was rather hoping you’d tell me. But if you would rather that a civilian is privy to police business, that’s entirely your affair. A need to know basis and so on. Here, be a good man and do hold onto this briefcase full of twenty thousand Euros.

Copper: Exactly. ‘Ere, I see you have the Times. Let me fill in the crossword puzzle with a paintbrush and ah, we can all carry on as we were.

Neville: Certainly Constable. Here, have some lovely money.

Copper: I’m sorry sir, but we coppers are not allowed to take bribes while on duty. Here’s an address in Clapham!

MC: But when the Police officer and amateur contortionist opens the newspaper, out fall our two fugitives. The offending type boys are doomed.


Copper: What’s this then, eh? A three letter word for a small furry animal that drinks milk and has sharp teeth?

Bert: Jim?

Copper: Wait a minute. What do we have here? England’s two most wanted naughty people. You’ll walk the Neville for this Plank. Everybody put their hands together.

Bert: You’re going to arrest us?

Copper: No. It’s the end of the first half of the show.

MC: Defeated, but still with their legs, the two lads resign themselves to incarceration or worse.


Neville: Look here, my dear copper. What about letting us see a last soccer match, there’s a decent fellow? It’s the home team. My Grandmother’s playing.

Copper git: Well, it’s highly illegal, unethical, a stupid and reckless whim that would destroy my chances of any promotion.

Neville: Here’s a bag of plasticine grapes and some more lovely money.

Copper: Done!

MC: Our temporarily reprieved felons are escorted to the game. Its Lands End United vs North North North.


Emil whispering: Er, Neville. Why are we at this soccer game?

Neville: Leave everything to me. While our copper friend was noshing on his modelling dough grapes and filling in the Times crossword puzzle, I cleverly made a secret phone call on my secret soup tin and string. I’ve arranged for one of the players to kick the ball to me. By simply pulling on a chord protruding from said bouncey bouncey, an inflatable air balloon will be released. Now I want you and Bert to hold onto it for dear life, and if my weather predictions are correct, you should be lifted and carried on the prevailing winds all the way to France and freedom.

Emil: But what about the copper? How will you distract him?

Nevile: Simple. A rather large cardboard box was secretly placed under our seats.

Bert: Hey. Everyone loves cardboard. It’s got to work.

Neville: Quite. No, it’s what’s inside the box.

Bert: What is it?

Neville: A Bengal tiger.

Emil: But he’s a copper! He won’t notice.

Neville: I’ve planned for that very situation. The tiger will be wearing a red carnation.

Emil: You’re a genius.

Neville: Thank you. That’ll be ten thousand Euros in freshly dry cleaned notes.

Emil: A bargain!

MC: As planned, the ball is kicked towards the lads as Neville catches it.


Copper: I like the way you handle a ball, Neville.

Neville: Thankyou. I am a Doctor after all. Er, the lads and I have done a bit of a whip around and bought you a small gift for being such a nice policeman. Why don’t you open it now?

Copper: How kind. I don’t know what to say…

Neville: Try screaming.

Copper: Aaaaagh!

Neville: Quickly lads! There’s not a moment to lose. Grab a hold of the pajama string and escape across the channel to Froggy land.

Emil: Thankyou so much Neville. You’ve been more than a friend, you’ve been an enemy too!

MC: The crime infested lads pull together on the string and are quickly lifted up into the sky by the rapidly inflated balloon.


Bert: We’ll never forget you, Smith!

Neville: Good luck lads and bon voyage. I’ve emptied both your bank accounts.

MC: The chums in crime drift over the Channel and eventually descend onto the beach of St. Tropez, where they land on the French actress, Sophie Marceau.


Sophie: Oh, hullo little Englishmen clinging to a balloon. How are you?

Emil: Surprised, but pleasantly crippled and broken.

Sophie: You must be very thirsty. Your tongues are hanging out. Would you care to come to my house for refreshment and a nice bite?

Bert: Do you have tea?

Sophie: I have two!

Emil: Charming woman.

MC: Later, back at the apartment of the delicious French actress.


Emil: You have a magnificent tea set, Sophie.

Sophie: Why thank you Emil. You are very nice for obviously hardened men.

MC: Meanwhile Neville, cool as ever, was about to play his final card. The scene, a court room.


Judge: It took all morning to catch this room, but on with the trial. The dignity of the court will be enforced. Bailiff, pay the power bill and get the lights back on. Clerk, extend the rental on this furniture. Neville, how do you plead?

Neville: In a very high voice, your Honour. I’m innocent! As sure as my name is Plank, I’ve never been to a fence.

Judge: I order that remark to be stricken from the record, as it’s obviously falsetto. Now, about your naughty criminal activities. If found guilty, you could face the death penalty or worse. I will also want to give you a large fine.

Neville: Thanks Judge. I could do with the money.

Judge: You’ve heard the telling and impartial evidence of our distinguished councils against this swine. What do you say? I say he’s guilty!

Jury: After due consideration of our secret bank accounts, we find the defendant not guilty.

Judge: In that case, Neville Plank, you will be taken from this court to a place of dining in the West End, where justice will be served. Anything to say, Neville?

Neville: About time. All I’ve had to eat all day are these plasticine grapes.

Oliver Stone interviews Adolf Hitler.

Audience reaction at the Academy Awards, to Oliver Stone receiving his Oscar for Stone's fifteenth assassination conspiracy film about who really killed Momma Cass, titled 'KFC'.



Scroll further down for a charming satirical updated classic from February 22 2008 in dishonour of the tinsel town rebel Oliver fucking Stone, and his absurd Hollywood slander film cum Koskid junkshot fantasy of George Bush, made almost entirely from wholecloth. The film is called 'W'. Rather ironic that Stone is the bigger wee wee pants. I shall make a film about Oliver called 'S'.

W? JFK? WTF? Whatever. The chances of Ollie Scone coming up with genuinely honest, warm and thoughtful entertainment grounded in any known reality with a worthy creative uplifting energy are precisely zip.

The Stoners films involve as much convoluted sturm und drang conspiracy to consistently defraud an audience of an authentically enjoyable experience, as any other tired and juvenile Truther drivel spilling around in his forever undergraduate commie lovin' Bel Air head.

According to Stoney, JFK was murdered by the CIA and "right-wing" gays. Riiiight. Sure he was. Good luck with that mate, ya old alcoholic faced Rodeo Drive circus geek. For "right wing", read as anyone who is not a coke head movieland fuck. The simple truth of a Soviet trained commie misfit mediocrity murdering Kennedy, is just too hard to accept for Stone and like-minded house of cards deluded, conceited hordes.

Note how there is no conspiracy theory for Bobby Kennedy? Gee, cos that would draw attention to the fact that he was murdered by Sirhan Sirhan, a Palestinian. Yep, guess so.

Yes, President Bush was apparently so bad that in tiny Pavlovian lefty minds, he was simultaneously a Machiavellian genius and a moron. A moron who was a fully qualified and trained jet pilot, passed with a C average at Yale and Harvard, was a popular and successful Texas Governor and a two term President presiding over seven years of growth, low unemployment minus another major domestic terror attack. Curiously, Olivier Stunt dropped out a' Yale twice, once to write a book. As Peter Cook replied to someone who said they too were writing a tome: "What a coincidence. Neither am I."

And yet Oliver Stone is an actual Vietnam vet who won a Bronze star and Purple Heart with Oak Leaf Clusters. Better than me, yet how odd innit, that such a man is now so overtly and joyously treasonous. Is it the Hollywood director type alchoholism or in spite of it?

Hey, Bush was bad when he acted like a high-spending, debt crazed corruptoDemocrat and an Imam's to the Whitehouse inviting PC multiculti boob, which sadly he did among other er, unfortunate things.

Here's the very swingin' Andy Bolt with the crush of Hollywood and MSM stupidity, paraded as er, "creative talent" and "journalism".

‘Has Stone indeed, to my astonishment, made a film showing Bush much as he is—honourable, disciplined, determined, unfailingly courteous and far more intelligent than his gleeful critics sneer?”

Colonel Neville: Not a fucking chance with Stone the fucking drone and ass licking fan of Fidel the fat fascist mass murderer, and Che the child killer Guevara. And most every elitist MSM Marxist sodden affluent twerp thinks the exact same shite. Big as they say, ‘effing surprise.

Andrew Bolt: ‘The very denial confirmed the lie, and in case you’d missed his joke, Stone went on to contrast Bush with the “very moral” and “selfless” Cuban dictator Fidel Castro, who has jailed his political opponents, killed his rivals and beggared his country.

“Castro will talk to you. He’s a real human being. But I see George Bush as a synthetic person. As I once said, he’s an ex-alcoholic who believes in Jesus. What could be more dangerous?” [Oliver fucking Stone.]

Andy Bolt: 'The group-think is the most unmissable thing about this baaing of reviewers who see the crudest monstering as the least Bush deserves. No dissent from this party line is even considered or uttered. None of this tribe defends Bush as some will defend even Saddam Hussein, the psychopathic killer he toppled.

Take scriptwriter and Labour speechwriter Bob Ellis': “I assume Saddam, a ruthless, ambitious fan of Stalin, did bad things and killed a lot of people in his time. But kill them pointlessly? I don’t think so. He was too shrewd for that.”

Colonel Neville: Er, shrewd? Now dig this.


Oliver Stone Interviews Adolf Hitler.

Academy Award winning film maker Oliver Stone, recently visited Nazi Germany and over several days interviewed the Fuhrer while a guest at Hitler’s residence, known as ‘The Beagles Hair’. Stone acknowledged that many right wing conservatives have criticised such visits who in Stones words, "have a rabid and almost pathological dislike of Hitler and his various reforms.

That's their reactionary trip, man, and I just don’t buy into it. I’m an artist and as such, I want to show that there’s more than one biased side to a story. I've gotten to know him as 'Adolf' and believe me, anyone that can stand up to American Imperialism is a genius as far as I’m concerned” said Stone by telephone, from atop the picturesque ‘Berchersmuesligarten'.

Oliver continued that he was of course prepared to ask the “tough questions” such as alleged abuses of human rights and “whatever”. Stone is known for such controversial films as ‘The Last Temptation of Christopher Hitchens’, where Stone hypothesises the writer being tested before launching his latest book with being able to live an alternate life as Jesus Christ.

The film ‘Full Bread Basket’, chronicled the massive support by Hollywood stars and celebrities for the two and a half million Vietnamese refugees that left Vietnam after 1975. Many actors, directors and other Tinsel Town illuminati, such as Oliver Stone and close friend Jane Fonda, have dozens of Vietnamese families still living on their large Hollywood estates as virtual permanent guests to this day.

“They’ve become our families now. We love them maybe even more than any of my public speeches or Oliver’s films. Instead of a macho and violent 'victory', we support as we have since the 1960’s, the more inclusive idea of defeat. As actors, we were always naturally determined to keep up the long Hollywood traditions of responsibility” said Fonda, who was known as “Washington” Jane during the war.

Stone spoke of how he was “always very interested in German culture with its sexy, sultry, fun, swinging beat and rhythms. Any party you go to, put on some ‘Beer Hall Oom Pah Pah’ music, and people throw off all their inhibitions and simply can’t resist dancing. It’s very sensual music. You know I toured the Albert Speer industrial zone and ya know what I liked? It was so co-operative and ‘for the people’. No child in the Fatherland is without a heavy rubber truncheon. They just see it as a natural part of being a Nazi”.

The movie maker also spoke to ordinary Germans and went into their homes. “Of course, I had thirteen Storm Troopers with me. But that’s just Cu…, I mean Nazi Germany, man. I have to play by their rules if I want to show the bigger picture, especially at a multiplex”. What impressions did Stone have of regular life for the average German?

Stone considered for a moment and said, “Sure, I see where the criticisms can come from, but ya gotta remember, ever since ‘The Bay of Normandy’ fiasco, the ‘V2 Crisis’ and the subsequent cargo cult, it’s been a question of survival, so some things are just necessary. And remember, whatever economic pressures they are under, the Germans still have their wonderful culture, dancing and music. Yes, they still have that. The dancing, the culture...the dancing, thing, they have...it”.

The Director also shared some lighter moments with the German Chancellor, such as when Stone broke into one of Hitler’s long and stimulating monologues to ask a personal question. “Hey man, sorry to interrupt, but you’re what, over a hundred and fourteen years old now? I know ya always been a ladies man. Can I ask you, is that still part of your life today?”

Hitler, who had appeared quite tense and stimulated for the previous eight hours of his speech, suddenly relaxed while the assorted guests returned to drinking Argentinean wine and eating strudel.

The Fuhrer laughed in that beguiling way that he has and answered cheekily, “With the new and superior German ‘Super Drugs’ my scientists have developed and that will be ready any day now, it will be my first pole and then around the world!”

Stone spoke of how the light hearted mood of the evening changed a little at the mention of Rudolph 'Chump' Hess, who since his death and after trying unsuccessfully to foster a Nazi rebellion in Hawaii in 1967, has become an icon to students and librarians around the world. Many wear the face of Hess as a hip T-shirt design, and he's also a very popular poster boy.

“I can easily see why”, said Stone. “Hess or ‘Chump’ as he’s affectionately known, just looks so good in that classic T-shirt image, with his deep set, very beady black eyes and bushy eyebrows looking off into the distance. It’s a great image with the Hula skirt and he was really just the Prince of Wehrmacht cool and style, especially with his leather Leiderhosen and that cuckoo clock he often carried around with him”.

I asked Stone about the documentary’s release. “I’ll be releasing a Directors cut soon in a boxed set of eighty seven DVD’s. I think, and I’m just being honest here, it will be seen as a major event and a great work of art”. The documentary, ‘Hitler: Misunderstood Genius, Rebel and all Round Nazi Party Guy’, is released later this year.

PM Rudd puts your head in a spin and Bob Brown can’t keep his head down.

My Japanese wife Nora, pictured above, admittedly without make up on and unlike me, does not give the Australian Green's head vegetable Bob Brown, the horn.


Drifting with the currents on his vast sea of spin, Australia's Prime Minister Fluffy could coincidentally, make a clear minded head spin. Now there’s the much vaunted and meaningless word ‘change’ in action right there. The world’s greatest Treasurer Paul Keating was not the world’s greatest treasurer, but one of the worlds foremost elitist creeps armed with riches, status, high level pals, and a mean streak that went all the way around. A tarmac runway of meanness really.

Keating has always bristled with the bunk of a faux Socialism that he has entirely no intention of ever living. This is why General Paulus, like most of his ilk, expends much effort in promoting a laughable view of himself to the public as some kind of Armani and art collecting ‘Man of the Proletariat'.

"America is the most admired, most affluent, most free nation in human history. That… is what Barack Hussein Obama wants to change". Dane Gerus on Hotair comments.

Er, gettin' wit der peeple is something Keating is incapable of doing, as his true trajectory has always been as per usual, in getting as far removed from the boorish plebes as possible. Just like Bob ‘Ignore my exposed knob’ Hawk, Gough ‘No utter fiasco was ever my fault’ Whitlam and Mal ‘Worlds oldest student activist twerp’ Frazer. Then of course there’s an actual greatest Treasurer in Peter Costello.

Odd innit, that the man most responsible for everything we have economically and all that feeds on from that, was either ignored, taken for granted or curiously sneered at.

“Yeah, but what’s the Treasurer ever done for us, eh?”

“Er, let me see. Well sure, no aqueducts, but one of the greatest and most resilient economies in the world, an enormous increase in the standard of living, in personal wealth, our incredible freedom, security, infrastructure etc, etc. Yep, nothin’ I guess”


“The world is too much with us. Too late and too soon.
Getting and spending, we lay waste our powers.
Little we see in nature that is ours.
We have given our hearts away.
A sordid boon”. William Wordsworth.


And now we have Young Mr Swann, the free worlds first Sorcerer’s Apprentice Treasurer. Don’t whittle those brooms, Wayne! And sadly, Kevin the Sorcerer is all magic show.

“Nothing up our sleeves! Nothing in any portfolio! Nothing in our heads! But we have more ideas than anyone! No, really! We have millions of ideas! Ideas? Unbelievable ideas. Er, you actually want to see one? You wish. A typical Opposition trick! Sure we have tri…er, ideas! Tons of ‘em! Just be satisfied with us saying fresh ideas at the drop of a hat. Think of it as our version of ‘change’. What does it mean? Damned if I know. Er, nothing”.

In Parliament Rudd was asked over three times if we “should have confidence in the abilities of the current Treasurer?” Absolutely. You can rely on Wayne Swann. Like Errol Flynn, he’ll always let you down. Wayne’s voice, curiously like Julia Ocean Child Guillard, is flat, ugly and grating. They remind me of the sometimes locally vogue thing of singing in a kind of absurdly old time Aussie goldminer’s accent, to emphasise one’s ‘with the common people’ credentials. Why not, eh, cobber? Mate? Sport? Itchy?

Actually, Rudd first answered by talking about everything but Swanny.

“Swanny? Swanny? Swanny how I love ya, my dear old Swanny. I’d walk a million hustings just to see you… ba, ba, ba, ba.”

Nope, Wayne Swann is a crap Treasurer. Treasurer is really like Supreme Commander of the Allied Forces in the Pacific Theatre. It’s not a learn on the job position really, is it? You must work up to it and be ready to er, go from day one, never mind day one 'undred Guvna! Go Swanny girl! Go!

"What's all that stuff laying over there? Oh, so that's money?! Now I get it..!" Wayne 'Junior Monopoly' Swann.

And the Rudd Government has performed nothing but illusions, fashionable tricks that elicit admiration from the Left, deluded and plain clueless. The pure baloney and massive UN backed Gravy Train of Global Warming? Er, all bunk. Hollywood, pop stars, grant chasing academics, a washed up US ex-Vice President and various Socialist fellow travellers of the mental illness of Leftism are a guarantee of quality? Er, no.

Global Warming = Global Socialism, kids. All lies.

And the creepy embarrassment of the “Stolen Generations” pantomime. Gee, ya think such a big feel good rally of the hubristic, disingenuous, plain stupid, daft and out of their depth when simply trying to think, may attract any utterly lying opportunists? Could happen...

Sure, there’s a bad side too. And er, apart from the joy of being able to play Student Union Crisis Meeting’s with a real country, what has Rudd actually er, done? A big nuttin', that's what. But as long as we all feel good and emote in the right way. I’m emoting baby! Er, how many Aboriginal children have I saved so far? None? Wait, I’ll feel more then. It’s gotta work!

Jeepers, ya think this whole “Stolen Generations” fraud will make it more likely or less likely that anyone, never mind an authority, will now act to remove children from where they have no competent adult care, are neglected, are being raped, assaulted and murdered? Gee, what ya reckon?

Hey, and now Rudd and many others think it’s just a Jim Dandy state of affairs for the Opposition to merely agree with Labour policy and other non-ideas in the spirit of er “bi-partisanship”. Er, yeah, agreeing with Labour policy. Er, no. Completely eliminating the Conservative real idea and practices of wanting accountable, empirical proof and the exercising of caution is not a good thing, miniature King Kevin. Let us agree to disagree, as it were.

Crazy man! Bob Brown wants civil unions for homosexuals because anything less would “discriminate”. Discrimination is the basis of rational thought, as opposed to mere passion. The avoidance of the rational and proven is the bedrock of Left Liberalism. The premise for gay marriage is that such unions are equal. But equal to what? Marriage, heterosexuality or decor? So two men can have children naturally? Not without some incredible contortions, kid.

‘A bit confused? You write the following: "...and the first preening metrosexual president". You are weirdly obsessed with this (real or imagined) aspect of Mr. John Edwards' personality. You seem more than a bit insecure on masculinity to me. Issues?’ William Sanford. Mark Steyn’s mailbox.

Mark Steyn: “You're right. Because of my own confusion about my sexuality, I think everybody's gay. Especially you. Are you coming on to me? And, if not, would you if I asked nicely?”

So apparently marriage can be thought of as so amorphously unimportant, as to be on the same level as something entirely different purely by ones viewpoint. So, why bother with gay marriage? Or if a gay marriage, even a gay marriage in a convenience, is equal to marriage, why bother at all with either?

Well because they are not the same at all. If the tradition of marriage has no meaning beyond what a gay man like Bobby says it is and what it’s allegedly equal to, by default, anyone can say what either is, including gay marriage. Hey, just imagine you have gay marriage! It’s just an opinion that you’re free to have, so be cool.

It’s all just an over eager and fashionable void you see, in which to place whatever is the currently pushed vacuum of values as values. Curiously, always of a Left, Liberal and Radical hue…how er, interesting.

Er, isn’t gay marriage discriminating against polygamist’s, pro-group marriage advocates, cultures where its ok to marry children and people who wish to marry a baboon or a goat? Satanist’s have rights too!

“No gay monopoly on total marriage definition freedom now!”

All Left non-ideas start off with pure emotions saying something Conservative is merely an opinion and of no intrinsic value, or oppressive and down right evil. The next step is to undermine it and then replace it with something entirely unproven and based merely on intent. The true intent being social engineering via more government power.

Every time a non-idea floating in the infinite fantasyscape of their innate moral vanity possesses a Leftard, they want to push it onto everyone else ASAP, and anyone who questions or disagrees is ipso facto, bad. There's only top gear in moon bat land.

“Hey! Let’s stage a musical with no money and no ideas! Let’s save the theatre and old Mr Greely!”

Sure, I’m hip to gay folks having all the decent and legal protection they should have, and for their relationships to have some form of legal status, even if only to ensure the Italian designer retro lamps are evenly split. But pretend it’s the same or perversely even superior to marriage? Sure, a relationship can be bitchy, claustrophobic, limiting, whining and obsessive about mundane and unimportant details, but that alone still won't make it a marriage.

Look, what the Hell do I know about gay relationships, except that the decor is usually tasteful? And that’s the point.

The unfortunately named Bobby Brown knows what a gay relationship is for sure. He’s got it down, so to speak. But by default and logic, I know what marriage is, sadly, and Bob doesn’t and never will. So the day I get elected and start saying that listening to Marvin Gaye is the same as listening to bleak sterile dance tracks and a live Streisand slash Garland slash Kylie concert, let me know. Where does Bob get off telling people what their damn marriage means anyway? This is something he could not possibly know. Er, maybe he has kids? How would I know? But I don't think he's living the lifestyle as such... So get your own format, ya freeloader!

“Walk this way! Talk this way!”

And there you have it. I don’t want to tell people how to live their life and I don’t want someone dismissing mine or the value of it's traditions. If I wanted a life of drug taking, sodomy and madness, I’d stay at home.

It just shows how Conservative many gay men are, that they'd want into the marriage gig anyway. And also that many do not want to get into it, and don't want to change the traditional definition in our culture of marriage at all. It also shows how radical and careless more than a few are if they would want to profoundly and radically alter or degrade it. Isn't married life degrading enough? End marriage as we know it and where will many gay men go to co-ordinate, decorate, cater and cry?

Traditional marriage eh? Where does Bob think all the little gay people come from? Hmmm?

Hey, and speaking of radical and careless, that about covers the platitude and cliche overload that's Bob Brown, the dumbest man in the whole damn town! Dumber than an old wood log, thicker than a London fog...

Tell me how anyone sharp and with things to do, can take such a mediocre and by the numbers Socialist Enviroloon boob seriously? The Green's preposterous manifesto is an incomprehensible hyper fantasy of sub-dullard and middle-class Leftardism. The only thing that could ever support such tax funded national suicide is the very Capitalist Democracies the Green's wish to destroy.

Look, I love the next embarrassing thing Bobby will always say. What I don't like is that he has some posiition of influence to follow it through. Bob is a shallow and twerpy guy, who stretches his meagre ration of analytic inability every time he imagines he has anything to say worth a damn. I'm still waitin' Bob.

Bob's tiny mind is a lot like the bayou swamp slime brain of the free worlds first eunich and Jew hating ex-President, Jimmy 'Mountains of Saudi Bribes' Carter. It's as if Bob has vitamised every activist pamphlet ever, and then rammed it all into the empty cavity that is his rattling skull.



Er, without getting too sickening, marriage is in the end, mostly all about those terrible other people known as children. It’s not about you. It’s about kids or it’s about entirely nothing. Tasteful dinners that have to eventually end in staring into space, drooling in a home after a lifetime of stylish narcissism just won’t cut it, I’m afraid. That’s the humbling truth of it all. Marriage sure ain’t about great sex, conversation and confidence building! I’m sorry, but I don’t want the freaky institution of marriage to give equal time to two or more sweaty men, working together in leather and oil, unless it has everything to do with motorcycle maintenance.

From my meagre observations living in Prahran, the gayest little suburb in Melbourne, the scene is often a triumph of a sometimes rather brittle and narrow style over much substance, except for illegal substances. Conversely, married with kids is a triumph of every substance over any meagre style you may have imagined you ever possessed.

In reality, marriage is all about the inevitable revealing of the incredible and actual uncoolness of most of us. Marriage for most, is eventually a style free void, I'm afraid. Thus, your own kids have something to rebel against in their own ridiculous and mass fashionable teenage way.

More than a little of the gay scene can appear sometimes as a lifestyle stuck forever in the er, concerns of ones early twenties and proudly so. In marriage, all pretensions especially of youth, are mostly ripped away and rather rudely. I imagine it happens for gay people too of course, but children speed the process up somewhat to warp speed.

Yep, many of my favourite people are gay and some of my not so favourite. At the very gay gym I went to, there were many kind and thoughtful people, but why wouldn’t there be? If my son was gay, it would make entirely no difference to how I'd feel. I still couldn't stand him! And I do become entirely hostile whenever I see oppression and violence aimed at people for being gay and simply who they are.

But kids, I haven't known any gay folks that naturally desire all or much of what married heterosexual men have. Who does, for Christ sakes?! And there’s the rub literally, for good and bad. I don’t see why they’d want a mirror image of the gig really, however ersatz. It would add to neither and subtract from both.

“The man doesn’t make the child, the child makes the man”.

That’s me, and I have entirely no interest in being allegedly progressive, open minded, hip or flexible and I don’t care what anyone thinks about it. Yep, I'm a self made man, and it took a lot of plasticine to do it. This is what makes me an authentically married man and an actual Father to a kid. That, plus the lack of dress sense, the bad decore and my Soul, R&B and Hendrix records.

Labourer discovers economic cause and effect.

Jimmy McOates, labourer and economist relaxing at home.


Dear sports, here's request of the week from Friday 06 June 2007.

'It's a miracle!' say world leaders.

A statement presented today at a hastily convened press conference by a gardener, is being hailed as possibly the greatest breakthrough in improving the standard of living for the worlds poor since the Industrial Revolution or cannibalism. A man, who until recently had been working as a labourer, claimed that he had found the actual and surprisingly single cause of world poverty.

Jimmy McOates of South Node stated that it came to him while he was watching the Academy Awards. "I had been spreading some gravel. I had just come home and had begun to watch the television. I noticed that all these so called stars were wearing expensive jewellery and quick as a flash, I put two and two together", he said in his incredibly thick accent while adding that, "I'm not a racist, and wouldn't even know how to spell bigot.

How can they wear expensive jewellery while there are people starving in Africa?”, said McOates with a concerned upturn of the eyebrow. "Well, once I'd said it, I realised that it was pure gold and I had to get it out to the world".

And of course, the impact of this profound revelation has been felt around the world as politicians, scientists, business people and actors, have reacted with a mixture of shock, surprise and relief that one of the great puzzles and misconceptions of the century has finally been exposed.

African Leader and Philanthropist, President Robert Zimbabwe, said that "It's a complete turn-up for the books. All this time, foreign conspirators that I cannot name for security reasons, have spread lies that our problems were caused by murderous, incompetent, corrupt, oppressive, undemocratic and non civil governments with even crazier economic systems, which shows how wrong you can be".

He was speaking at the launch of his governments 'Fifteenth Economic Conference on the Implementation of a Straw Based Economy', held at Club Med.

"I knew all along that it was something like this, but I couldn't put my finger on it. Of course we don't need any Western mumbo jumbo interfering in our country. We have our own. I know what my people want, as I have told them on many occasions", he said.

Part of President Zimbabwe's 'New Economy', has included providing shoes only to his supporters. A country that had once been the world's biggest exporter of two tones, now has an almost entirely shoeless populace, leaving only one rapidly depleting domestic footwear source. It comes from the forced takeover of the usually Hawaiian owned, 'Arthur Lyman Dance Academies'.


These schools are a legacy of Robert Zimbabwe's failed 'Non-Stop Disco Dancing to Wealth' economic experiment of the mid-eighties. He has been aided by a disgruntled group of former dance students, who according to a school spokesman, "Couldn't actually dance at all and had no interest in it, but just came to jealously eye the other students coveted Florsheims".

Jimmy McOates said that now he had discovered his financial 'wonder formula', he felt that it could be applied endlessly. Speaking at a packed conference attended by Government leaders, various dignitaries and pop musicians from across the world, he enthralled his audience when he showed how simply by never wasting money on new underwear, he could increase the GDP of New Guinea by 50%.

Mr McOates said in a final statement, "I believe that if I wear track pants all the time, even formally, in fact especially formally, I feel I can reduce the foreign debt of Belize or Macaroon". He added that the wonderful thing was he would not have to modify his lifestyle. In fact, it would most likely enhance it.

Curiously, when asked by a single reporter if according to his incredible new theory, it follows that Africans buying expensive jewellery would have a negative effect on any other economy, or upon their own, there was some hesitation. When queried on how much of his own money he was currently sending to Africa Warlord's that would otherwise be wasted on living, Mr McOates looked puzzled. Jimmy then suddenly announced that he was feeling quite ill and that he had to go to the bathroom. So far, he has not returned.

A classically trained and very serious twerp.

The celebrity Left has figured out how to make the free market "fair". It's easy! Control the free market so badly that the ordinary majority of people are impoverished, but rich celebrities keep all their cash, benefits and fabulous lifestyle all courtesy of the er, free market! It's fantastic! Stalinistic! Che the child killer Guevaristasuperduperish! It's Pol Pottadoodle doo! It's Mao and how!


“Actors are like cattle”. Alfred Hitchcock.

Round ‘em up, ship ‘em out.

Dear sports, it was ever thus with the largely unchallenged, dull, naff and usually Left mind set and views of most celebrities whether actors, musicians or the fully sedated in-patient. Yep, guess whose “educated and intelligent?” Amazingly it’s a musician apparently. Classical guitarist and “genius” John Williams is so intelligent and educated that he refuses to perform for surprise, surprise, er, Israel! Hey, maybe he is a genius though I don't really see it. And for such a smart guy, he sure says the usual bog standard rhetoric and platitudes available anywhere, of the frivolous and simply not serious Left kind.

Er, by the way John, the Jews have produced more real genius type folks as a proportion of their population and as a raw number in almost every scientific and creative field etc, than virtually anyone else, ever. If it wasn't for the Jews, our modern world could barely exist.

“Rhetoric is a poor substitute for action”. Theodore Roosevelt.

“Gaza, that’s another crime” drivelled the classically trained Leftard. Gee, what a hero, bravely standing up for the rights of Hamas, Hezbollah and the Al Aqsa Brigades to fire endless rocket’s into Israel and to kidnap, torture, murder, blow up and behead Jews. Jeepers, how can Israel be so hurtful to Arab and Muslim feelings by insisting on existing and wanting to keep on living? Maybe with the support of freaks like John Williams, Islamist loons will one day live their collective dreams…

“Ask a deeply religious Christian if he’d rather live next to a bearded Muslim that may or may not be plotting a terror attack, or an atheist that may or may not show him how to set up a wireless network in his house. On the scale of prejudice, atheists don’t seem so bad lately”. Scott Adams.


Ok, John is a very successful and skilled guitarist. I should be so lucky. But like plumbing or architecture, such a wondrous skill or talent does not naturally equate to deep and profound insights. Er, as with the skill of acting, on the contrary. And when a “genius” has the same views as the average Islamist loon and Che the child killer Guevara fan? How is this not appalling to anyone decent?

Sure, who’d care what he ever says if John Williams was actually a truck driver? No one. But he’s a world famous musician whose fashionably hideous anti-Israel and thus by default, anti-Semitic views are as per usual, ‘right on and Left!’ and perfectly in sync with Hamas and any other freak Islamist outfit.

I’m sorry. But if you deny the truth of Israel and it’s right to defend itself against over a dozen hostile neighbours, well, you are not a friend of the Jewish people, I’m afraid. The Left either can’t or don’t want to grasp this. I guarantee that the interview I sourced will generate letters to ‘The Age’ newspaper praising John as a great talent, a humanitarian, a brave hero who is standing up to BushHitler and the Zionist oppressors etc, but said in the acceptable and reasonable fashion.

Yeah, it’s very brave for rich celebrities to stand up to Democratic governments...Riiight. Er, what risk is he or any celebrity taking exactly, apart from getting uniformly lauded, congratulated, awarded and applauded? Yeah, Dick Cheney is gonna shoot him, right? Er, no. John Williams will perform, pontificate and get paid a tasty fee as usual and all courtesy of the free markets he can somehow see as flawed, unlike er, Socialism. Ha, ha!

“Iraq was simply a modern day war crime, wrong on every single count: common sense, history, justice, necessity” sayeth William’s the comfortable hypocrite and non-analyst.

Replace “Iraq” with John Williams and “war crime” with moon bat fool, and useless John is right on the money. I always wait to hear what liberation, or what actual kind of action such Leftoids would support. They never say. Nope, for the fatuous, easy, privileged and irresponsible products of Western freedom, the moral high ground of perfect inaction and the vanity of abstraction is the way to go, every time.

So according to John, an adult... the war contained nothing worthy or noble. There is nothing to be done, nothing now or at any time and anyway, it was all for some entirely evil plan, sadly hyperbolic of the frothing Kos kid kind. And there’s no place in the empty opinions of Williams and others like him, for the sacrifice and great works of the better men of the military, and indeed for any Iraqi who wishes to be free like er, John Williams.

“The reason the Intelligence Community is unable to define the nature of the Jihadi enemy, the Chairman implies, is because we have not “read what the enemy has said.” In other words, we have failed to undertake an assessment of the threat based on the Jihadi enemy’s declared strategic doctrine”. The Coughlin Report.


“I hate sophisticated hypocrites and I put that down to being Australian”. John ‘Placard Slogan’ Williams.

Er, quite, old boy. The self-loathing must be extraordinary. I prefer crude hypocrites. They’re much cheaper.

So John cancelled his tour of America. Hey, so no strangely sterile and unappealing Squaresville alleged pop and high level baroque cover versions, all played note for note pretty much exactly the same every time. Bummer. I should be so lucky.

Sydney Morning Herald’s Bruce Elder called William’s African “excursion”, ‘Magic Box’, “suburban and middle brow” and a “patronising travesty”. Look, many of my favourite things are suburban and middle brow and even a travesty. But where does Williams’s alleged geopolitical insight come from? Oh, that’s right, by default of being a genius. I hung out with a Mensa pal or two. Of course it’s better to be intelligent than dumb, but it seems like no guarantee of Quality Control, if ya know what I mean.

Yep, John has the standard and patronising travesty and old Lefty default of any handy cipher for posturing like African music, as not just being as good as, but superior to European music. Why compare two very different forms that express rather different worlds? Another gem from the genius. “There is infinitely more variation in African music than the Western pantheon”.

Last time I looked at music, there was room for everybody.

Yeah sure. What else ya gonna say? I’m sorry, but I beg to differ. It’s not a matter of one or the other. It’s what you like, know, understand, want to do, what relates to you and who you are. And er, there are many classically trained African musicians and otherwise, including jazz, rock, R&B, pop and hip hop etc. Why is Williams operating entirely in what he says is the ‘inferior’ one then? Daft as a brush, I say.

"So why don't people look there instead of searching the slender repertoire of 1823?" John W.

Er, yeah mate, so many contempory music greats are stuck in 1823. Er, no. The charts are full of it. I myself play nothing but. That's why I got a Marshall 100 watt amplifier. To relive the dream. Um, I think outside of the classical fishbowl, it may be noted that a few people have indeed "looked" into the African thang. Thus call and response, rhythm and syncopation via jazz, blues, soul, gospel, funk, rap and so on.

John thinks that African music is so superior, that he “ignored the available talents of African musicians”. Way cool, John. Funny innit, how Left ideology is left wanting in person. It’s a riot.

He says it was “heartbreaking” to cancel. Hey, I sympathise. Tough gig for a millionaire guitar player. Never mind. In Saddam’s Iraq it was not just “heartbreaking” on a scale that the average muso can only emote about, but it was leg breaking, back, eyeball, head and family breaking and really snapped economic and all other freedoms pretty much into 1.3 million smashed pieces.

John tore up his British Labour Party membership after Tony Blair apparently failed to deliver whatever he was going to er, deliver. Labour Party member, eh? Ya surprised, right? Who would ‘a thought it! And Williams says that Britain is “dreadfully unpoliticised!”

So, as Britain collapses into a sodden mass of PC Leftist Socialist engineered crime, Islamic intimidation and bombs, death and self-loathing dhimmitude, John says:

“More! More ideology! I don’t even have to live here! Definitely not in the poor mult-culti areas of the UK, that’s for sure. Bring it on the vast social experiments! Encore! Author!”

It never changes. The chances are about zero of finding many musicians, actors and celebrities in general who would ever make the same “heroic” stand in support of the Jews and Israel, or advocate the freeing of any people from any Totalitarian death state. Say enough bullshit “artists” to fill the average blasted out restaurant, destroyed bus or school room? Nope, never, ever gonna happen. Never. Ever. Nope. No.

“The end of the human race will be that it will eventually die of civilization”. Ralph Waldo Emerson.


For years I played a small game. Every time I’d look in a music magazine or any interview with a celebrity in the MSM, or even the alleged alternative press, I’d speed scan through the tedium of what they said to find the default George Bush insults, the absurd disgust with the system that supports them and all the usual celebrity guff. Two thirds of the time it seems to have always been there. It was funny for a while then it became oddly and bizarrely repetitive.

“No, they can’t all be the same? Surely? And so unchallenged and accepted as truth?”


Oh yes they can. Then it was just creepy and boring, went onto stupid and mediocre, and then moved to a disgusting and a horrible joke. Finally there was merely zero interest in knowing what the vast majority of celebrities, alleged artists and public voices had to say about anything, which is often outside of their specialty, precisely nothing.

“A healthy male adult bore consumes each year one and a half times his own weight in other people's patience”. John Updike.

Here is more pure undergraduate gold from John the Baptist, now pretty damn excited about the imminent PC Neo-Left Socialist Utopia of Kevin Rudd.

“It’s fantastic, so far anyway. Immediate policy on Kyoto and getting troops out of Iraq, the two most important issues in the world!” John again.

Let me put it this way, outside of his musical and business abilities, when John Williams gets into science and geopolitics etc, he is as dumb a plank and every other celebrity and dullard. Hey, so no war crimes involved in leaving 25 million people to their own shattered devices surrounded by Iran, Syria and other freak kingdoms, plus Al Qaeda and Pakistani Islamists? That’s ‘Leftard Moral Gymnastic Move No. 764/9B4!’ Another one of my favourites and obviously popular with John Williams.

So the most important focus for John is spending trillions of dollars to limit and damage the kind of prosperity that leads to er, I guess the kind of life John Williams has. And all based on a giant money churning scam by a failed student and failed politician, a horde of celebrities, pop stars and Gravy Train academics floating in a smug sea of conceit.

Hey. Let’s go with the absurd predictive computer modelling by people who can’t get next weeks weather right. And the end result will “maybe” be around 0.05 of a degree difference! Why not? Different to what they can’t say for sure, as its all relative, innit? I recall that between summer and winter there can be over 20 degrees difference! And it's even hotter on the equator and much colder in the Arctic! It's true! Is that what they mean? What should it be today, hotter or colder and by how much? It’s all bunk and with time, will be shown to be so.

So, displaying massive tactical and strategic incompetence, cowardice and PC Western security suicide to your far more determined enemies and the world, is the way to go if it strokes the moral vanity of a mass of lemming like celebrities? Er, no.

Are these really the things that focus John’s feeble mind? Not his music, earnings and bloated nonsense ramblings? Surely not? The “most important issues”, eh? Er, not getting real economic system’s and civil government’s to over a billion hideously oppressed people? Not the liberation of the child indoctrination, torture and murder states like North Korea, Iran and Cuba? Not global inoculation, disease control, education, clean water, ending child soldiers and slavery, helping the millions dying form malaria and diarrhoea? None of these and dozen’s more?

Nope, John is a typically deluded and an entirely fashionable ideological musician type. They mistake their emotional posturing with actual thinking skills and coherent understanding. Like virtually all Left leaning Charlies, it’s all about emotions and how they feel. And that’s as far as they can go, or ever want to and ever will. No need to, you see.

The Left are only interested in intentions, not proven results. They get around the adult responsibility to provide the hard work of empirical proof, by simply saying someone evil and Conservative is stopping them. It’s never caution, maturity or evidence. Any opposition is just being mean because they refuse to get as shrill, hysterical and passionate as they are. It’s unlikely that many folks, especially in the MSM will regularly find Left celebrity views repellent or wrong, and give them a damn good ‘Fisk’.

“I do not know which makes a man more conservative—to know nothing but the present, or nothing but the past”. John Maynard Keynes.

Gee, John and his wife travel a lot and “Iran is currently a favourite destination…” Er, quite. Oh, the hideous irony! Hey, did ya catch any public hangings of 13 year old girls for kissing? Or get to stay at any of the dozens of torture, rape and mass murder prisons? I can recommend a few places by name.

Gosh I’m confused John. Do you play in Iran? So you refuse to play in Israel but the filthy no holes barred, loudly murderous Jew hating genocidal state of Iran is OK? Check. Rapist, child murder Theocracy, OK. Check. Free Jewish Democracy not OK. Check. I get it John. You’re a classic Left fraud.

As he curiously says “I never improvise. That is a jazz thing. When I play with Dankworth, he writes out my solo pieces for me which he has improvised for me in the first place” Riight. Hence the predictable boredom. Er, improvising is a musician thing, I believe. Like the kind who actually have something to express, say or offer. I notice there’s also no improvising in his by the numbers Leftist drooling. It’s all been written out on cheap activist pamphlet’s decades ago.

As he says in ‘The Age’ Good Weekend for Saturday February 16, “We don’t think hard enough”.No argument there with what I imagine is his use of the Royal ‘we’.

“In religion and politics, people's beliefs and convictions are in almost every case gotten at second hand, and without examination”. Mark Twain.


“Labour hasn’t sorted out how to mix social justice with the free market”. John Williams: Fatuous rich musician.

Er, I bet ya don’t know what either really means. For John’s kind of guy, this means destroying the latter, by imposing failed and tax funded schemes that will enormously increase the former as injustice. The free market is social justice. Thus the vast increase of wealth, health and freedom everywhere there are Capitalist economic systems, free markets and Democratic civil governments. This is the inverse result of Left Socialism. Hey, perform for nothing John, so the flat broke can all come. Its gotta work! Er, no.

If I’m not mistaken, I believe John’s great success is due entirely to him living and performing in a free market. Could be.

For the average celebrity is usually relentlessly and utterly clueless to real world action, consequences or authentically intelligent thought. Beyond their passions there is often entirely nothing. Above the very professional, talented shoulders and ‘Cognitive Bias’ of John Williams, there is only an empty Sky.

“The very purpose of existence is to reconcile the glowing opinion we have of ourselves with the appalling things that other people think about us”. Quentin Crisp.